In the unlikeliest of circumstances, you are about to find yourself trapped in a horror film. Since we're already accepting this strange scenario, let's take it one step further and examine the anatomy of survival. Here's the setup: you're in your home, alone. It's night time and you have no phone or computer or if you do they won't work anyway. Through the intervention of some higher power (the writer) you've gleaned knowledge of the future. In but five minutes' time, your movie scenes begin rolling. What preparations will you make to ensure your survival?
Today's featured sub genre is Slashers; that delightful ballet of creatively crafted kills, titillating teenage tender bits and men-come unstoppable killing machines. Here's what I'd do in my five minutes.
Break all of the mirrors - In everyday life, we utilize mirrors to assure ourselves we've configured our look correctly. In slasher flicks, however, they're an irresistible compulsion for film makers to cram in a brutal surprise attack. So, let's remove one of the cheap ways for the screen writer to slaughter me.
Disguise the circuit breaker box and power lines - Cutting the power is another slasher film technique that puts the audience on edge and makes it easier for the killer to approach for a surprise kill. Remove that power from their iron grasp: disguise the area where power lines enter the house in a Christmas lights display. Sure, it might be the middle of July, but which is worse: neighbors calling you tacky because of a holiday taboo or neighbors calling you tacky because they're standing in your congealed blood? Also construct a false wall in front of the fuse box ala Dawn of the Dead.
Eat high fiber cereal - Yet another cinematographic trick, usually cheaply employed in an attempted jump scare, is setting the camera extra close to the victim. This somehow shortens their view to a mere three feet, allowing an enormous monstrosity of meat and blades to be kissably closer than is otherwise possible. With a boat load of fiber in your system, you should be ready to cloud the air around you with noxious flatulence, pushing the camera man back several feet and giving your self several more precious seconds of reaction time.
Separate out your car key and place it in your pocket - When making your eventual wounded flight to the car, you've no time to fumble through a keyring full of metal. That gives your nemesis more time to yank your head off like a paper towel. So take that all important car key off the ring and place it in your dominant hand side pocket. As an added bonus, you won't fall on all your keys when taking inevitable tumbles whilst being pursued.
And that's about my five minutes. It's do or die time now. How would you spend your five preparatory minutes?
Usually, when I hear "stuffing", my mind flashes directly to any number of horrific scenes of gore filled madness. Below two trailers for Thanksgiving horror films, one which I can't believe got a budget and one that desperately needs to be made.Enjoy these and your turkey day.
Wow, let me just take a moment here before beginning. It's refreshing to not start an article with the "31 Days of Halloween" preface. You should understand that it isn't that I didn't enjoy writing that series, it's simply that it IS an endurance run. I capped off my month long celebration of all things Halloween by attending the annual Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horrorthon. This is the fifth incarnation of the 'Thon, of which I've attended all but one (I missed the 3rd year, in 2009). As a long time Exhumed Films goer, I look forward to this event all year long. (the first show I attended was the All Night Italian horrorfest at the now defunct Hoyt's on October 20th, 2000)
The truth is that the Exhumed crew always puts on an elaborate production, from the pre-show announcements and prizes, to wallet emptying horror merchandise enticement and general feel of hanging out with friends. It's a marvelous atmosphere to feel included in. I can't make every show, but I try my hardest- even when it might not features films which I necessarily love or am intimately familiar with- because it's not 100% about what you're seeing but also how you're seeing it and whom you're seeing it with.
Before I showcase the shock and awe blasted into my brain from this weekend's Horrorthon (and with which I am still working to congeal into something more linear), I'd like to discuss that last point in a little more detail. Normally, all Horrothon films are kept an absolute secret right up until the moment that they unspool on screen before hungry eyes. This year there was a break from tradition. Exhumed Films announced that the Philadelphia premier of the new, shot in Africa, zombie film The Dead would take place during their largest event of the year. During the preshow announcements, we were informed that the distributor of the film decided not to even strike ANY 35mm prints, deciding instead to go with digital distribution only. Understandably, this was met with some displeasure amongst the crowd, as to this point, Exhumed Films has only showcased film itself.
This bitter pill put some audience members in such a tizzy that fully half the audience opted to take a longer dinner break rather than sully their film print purism with the possible taint of digital projection. Guys, I get it, you disdain digital and are hardcore print-o-files. There wasn't a print-isn't a print-might never actually be a print of The Dead. You missed a really great zombie flick in the vein of early Romero with some great visuals and even better tension. Name the last zombie film with slow walkers that contained effective, slow building scares.
Now that we're through that, if you're still with me and haven't skipped right to the comments section to explain exactly why you thought dinner at Chili's was more important than a new independent zombie film's Philadelphia premier, let's take a look at exactly what we brave few had seared into our souls. It's important to note that this year's line up consisted only of films that Exhumed has never shown before (with one technical exception). This is a monumental achievement as leading up to this, they've showcased somewhere in the neighborhood of 260 films.
And I know young people today are the visual sort, so accompanying my thoughts on each film is the trailer for it. (mostly because I love trailers so much)
1. Psychomania aka The Death Wheelers - 1973
The psychedelic chic of this odd undead tale was a fantastic way to open the horrorthon's proceedings. With a strange and potent mix of biker road film, satanic pacts, zombies who are no worse for the wear and Bond'esk British styling, Psychomania put us into a hypnotic trance- opening our brain pans, offering space to what we were about to receive.
2. Rodan - 1956
Historically the horrorthon has featured a giant monster movie in the second slot. Nearly any film would face the Sisyphean task of rolling a boulder up the hill that is The Mighty Peking Man (showcased to the delight of all at last year's horrorthon). Rodan radiates 50's giant monster gratification thoughout and is replete with excellent miniature effects - the true star of the film. Slavish devotion was poured into these effects, with stand outs including the ground collapse (in the trailer below) sequence and the volcano sequence. This was an instant time portal to the Saturday afternoons of my youth, which is exactly the time which it played.
3. Frightmare aka The Horror Star - 1983 Frightmare takes the tropes of the Hammer horror subgenre and casts a delightful dance of darkness on it's bones. The resulting floor show is a cornucopia of campy entrapment designed to shake us loose from our comfort food of decades past and casts it in a newer menacing light.
4. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer - 1986
Armed with plenty more snacks still at your disposal, you're cruising through Horrothon five without a care in the world. You're high on life, for truly the greatness of all creation can be extrapolated through the medium of film and many are unspooling before your very eyes. And then...yes and then a random, senseless act of remorseless violence is cast unflinchingly across the silver screen. It locks your attention and brings you back to full focus, crashing repeatedly into your sensibilities like a sledge hammer. Maybe you chuckle during the home invasion scene, but it's an unconscious defense mechanism rather than amusement. That's Henry. Here's his trailer.
5. The Dead - 2010
As an enormous zombie fan, I've done the genre six ways from Sunday by this point. Still, gems such as this one have the ability to surprise and delight. The amazing visuals of the wilds of African mid day juxtaposed with ever present encroaching zombie horde creates a deadly beauty. The gun kills can only be described as kinetic in nature, likely a way to cope with budgetary constraints but perhaps a design choice. The Dead is smartly written enough not to have to rely on characters making stupid mistakes to be over come, which is an amazing consideration given the field of zombie material out there. This independent film is rough around the edges but there is so much to like in the bubbling cauldron that even those with a limited interest in the rotting reanimated subgenre book a vacation to Africa.
6. Trick or Treat - 1986
How does one conceptualize this film, when it contains neither tricking nor treating? It's soul has no real basis in Samahin. Instead this is rock metal voyage helmed by copious amounts of denim and Aqua Net, dragging behind its chains and wielding it's devil horns as a warning to all at map's edge: there be entertainment here. Skewing anti-metal culture and metal culture simultaneously, Trick or Treat spins the plates effortlessly and was perfectly placed to kick the tempo back up after the viciousness of Henry and the stark hopelessness of The Dead.
7. Night Warning aka Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker - 1983
I'm just going to refer to this as Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker since that is by far the superior title. What could you want in a film that this does not have? Crazy lumber beheading car crash? Check. Insane incestuous aunt face licking action? Check. Homophobic cop who invents fictitious gay love triangles on to which he can vent his hatred? Check. Pickled head in a jar? Check. My interest piqued? Check.
8. Frankenhooker - 1990
What would be your course of action if an invention of yours (radio controlled lawn mower) mulched your chubby, pretzel hungry finance into a pile of chipped beef and a head? If the film in which you star is titled Frankenhooker the obvious progression is to feed New York hookers super crack causing them to explode into a rain of diseased limbs from which you constitute a new body for your beloved. Clearly. This fantastic freakshow shares it's sense of humor with the revered Dead Alive and has more tits than you can shake your prick at.
9. Dr.Black and Mr.Hyde aka Decision for Doom - 1976
Stan Winston's transformation effects for the yin-yang flip-flop from black doctor to white murderer are nothing short of astounding. It's astounding that they honestly thought that heavily coating a black man in talcum powder and inserting contacts in his eyes would magically make him appear Caucasian. This trip through blaxploitation land is about par for the course and a welcome part of the horrorthon.
10. Legend of the Wolf Woman aka Naked Werewolf Woman - 1976
Can several erotic flashback sequences bulging with buxom nudity carry a film? They can if the film you're thinking of is Legend of the Wolf Woman, whose lead actress is compelling to look at, which is paramount, since she'll do just about anything to strip down and take fun sized bites out of dudes, almost at random. It's a confusing ride, which never delivers with an actual werewolf, except in the past- where she comes equipped with hairy big toe sized nipples. At this stage in the game, anything to get the blood flowing again is welcome, even if it's bundled with the strings of chest hair attached.
11. Blood Diner - 1987 (released 1990)
This mad cap, silly story of two brothers dedicated to reincarnating the heinous goddess Sheetar with the guidance of their disembodied uncle, who's just a brain and eyes in viscous goop yet retains the power of speech, is oft overlooked for it's silly nature. Truly you would be wasting you time trying to rationalize the finer points of Blood Diner, just trap in and enjoy the blood feast.
12. The Burning - 1981
Did you know Jason Alexander once had a full head of luscious hair? It's true; he wasn't born bald and he played the cool guy. There's lots to love in this fantastic slasher and it was excellently placed to bring back the focus of those attendees who'd gone all sleepy eyed and weak necked. This is arguably Tom Savini's best work and Cropsey is still believably hideous to look upon. I always loved the twist on the well established "last girl" trope becoming "last boy".
13. Maximum Overdrive - 1986
Trust me when I tell you: Once you've been awake for 30 plus hours, you start to see things at the edge of your vision. Things which aren't quite there and on which you can't quite focus. Dodging and leaping from sight the instant you glance at them, you know they're there. Those bastards. If you didn't doze, you're reaching a critical point and pretty much no act of god is going to help you in your quest to remain in the land of the conscious. Nothing that is, but a heaping dose of Emilio Estevez. He's like entertainment crack for your sleep deprived brainstem. Sprinkle him on your spleen. Is Maximum Overdrive a good film? Who cares? It's a shit load of fun.
14. Meet the Feebles - 1989
Power to stay awake fading...Braindrive overload...[Rebooting]...defrag complete. Loading [film recognition software]...reading input "Wingnut films"...processing...
Wait, Wingnut. Isn't that Peter Jackson? Yeah it is. Is this Bad Taste? No, they showed that already. What about Dead/Alive? No, was shown as part of a double feature with Bad Taste. So what could thi...OH MY GOD IT'S MEET THE FEEBLES!
My apologies. I couldn't help but relay exactly what went through my head at roughly 10:30am as the last film of the marathon began to hit my retinas. The way my brain went about working with low cognitive power is a recollection I won't soon forget. What a great, upbeat way to conclude the festivities. If you call muppets on drugs, fucking like bunnies (and in some cases actually fucking bunnies), singing about sodomy and killing each other upbeat. This is a film I never believed I'd see on film. Thank you Exhumed Films.
A few observances:
-This seemed to be the most consistent line up of any Horrorthon- there were no super highs but conversely there were no staggering lows in the film selection either, rather they were all good/great throughout.
-The Cafe in the lobby of the IHouse continues to rule. Biz makes sandwiches that must be some modern day, watered down form of elvish magic, but with meat in them.
-Some of you seriously aren't taking your hygiene concerns seriously. I shouldn't catch a wiff of you strong enough to nearly take me from my feet just from walking by on a trip to the bathroom. Perhaps you're adjusted to the odoriferousness. We aren't, be kind to our noses.
-I'd love to see 7 Exhumed Films 'Greatest hits' and 7 films which have never been shown before. Though I shouldn't say anything since I've loved every line up so far. So I'll just say this: Give me more of whatever you want, EF. You haven't steered me wrong yet.
Halloween is the best time of the year. It's a wonderfully indulgent time, where your inner ghoul is given societal license to be put on display. To celebrate it to it's wicked fullest, the Midnight Cheese will be posting every day in October with excellent ways to enjoy the season. Whether it's horror films, video games, books or activities, check back every day for some new Halloween fun.
Halloween
Maybe you thought this would be the film I spotlit for post 31, but while this isn't the best film about the holiday, it is one of most influential horror films of all time. This modestly budgeted film is the father of the modern slasher film and, in a rush to capitalize on a burgeoning craze, ushered in a brand new shift in the horror genre. This is thanks largely to an excellent and tight script, great camera work, a career defining performance from the well established Donald Pleasence and a fortune telling explosion by scream queen to be by Jamie Lee Curtis.
This top grossing independent film of all time is accompanied by director John Carpenter's hypnotic keyboard-synth soundtrack (which just kicked in as I'm writing this) and is the best use of a William Shatner mask ever. You guys know all this, I'm not telling you anything new here.
Halloween has become sacred yearly viewing during the season by horror nerds and has come to be a staple of AMC's Fear Fest. In fact, why are you still reading this? AMC is showing films from the series, starting with the first, all day beginning with the first at 9:30 am.
Start a new tradition or celebrate it again for the 30th time.
Halloween is the best time of the year. It's a wonderfully indulgent time, where your inner ghoul is given societal license to be put on display. To celebrate it to it's wicked fullest, the Midnight Cheese will be posting every day in October with excellent ways to enjoy the season. Whether it's horror films, video games, books or activities, check back every day for some new Halloween fun.
How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith
Some of you might wonder why I waited this far into October to present the one book which might increase the survival rate of those who have unfortunately become trapped within a horror film. "Don't you want everyone to survive this Halloween season, Chuck?" No. What sort of horror film would this be if everyone made it? Survival of the fittest, which in this case is the horror nerds.
How to Survive a Horror Movie came at the tail end of the "How to Survive ______" crazy of pocket sized books. You might recall every subjected imaginable had one, from college, to marriage, to action movies and more. They were good for a laugh but none of them were important and meaningful in the way this book is. You see, if you've accidentally stepped into the terrorverse (The universe all horror films reside in) your chance to survive is approaching nil.
That's where Seth Grahame-Smith comes in. You might have seen his name attached to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies or Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, the latter of which should be required reading for all horror and vampire-o-files. Here he takes you step by step, explaining the rules of the Terrorverse and how to identify if you've become trapped in it. Once you ascertain that, the individual sub-genres are divided into separate chapters. So we get into detail on slasher killers, inanimately evil objects of death, ghosts/zombies/reanimated denizens, out of this world aliens and monstrous beasts(vampires, mummies, wolfmen, Oprah) then we finish up with demons, satanic rituals and the devil.
Each of these topics are handled with such excellent wit, tongue firmly planted in cheek. The situational examples are all from very famous horror films, without calling them out by name. Much of the fun I have is quizzing my wife to see if she can figure out which reference comes from which film. It's blatantly obvious that Mr. Grahame-Smith is an enormous horror nerd himself and he takes great pains to craft a book which we would all love.
Illustrations are peppered throughout, they're fantastic and stylish- contributing to the built in camp factor. If you're looking for an inexpensive Halloween present or a fun book on horror with a lot of mileage, you really need How to Survive a Horror Movie. It's compulsory reading in my household, except for my cats. If they could read it, I'd have to reference chapter 3 and we'd have a problem.
Halloween is the best time of the year. It's a wonderfully indulgent time, where your inner ghoul is given societal license to be put on display. To celebrate it to it's wicked fullest, the Midnight Cheese will be posting every day in October with excellent ways to enjoy the season. Whether it's horror films, video games, books or activities, check back every day for some new Halloween fun.
Popcorn
"Saturday night at the movies, who cares what we came to see!"
1991's low budget slasher film is actually a brilliant love letter to William Castle-esk gimmickry and 50's giant monster flicks. There's so much to laude and enjoy in Popcorn that it's surprising how little known it actually is. It would help if there was a proper DVD release of it, which there isn't, but you can catch it on Netflix instant streaming. So why should you seek Popcorn out?
It's early Saturday morning so I'm gonna do this list style:
The setting is a classic, old school movie theatre
Really cool gimmicks for the fictional in film movie festival films; Mosquito in Projecto-o-Vision! Attack of the Amazing Electrified man in Shock-o-Scope! And The Stench in Aroma-Rama!
Takes place on Halloween, the Horrorthon staff and attendees are all in costumes.
The kills, while there aren't an over abundance, are all creative and gleefully evil.
Excellent cinematography, great use of the setting, good performance from all the principals.
More than anything, Popcorn takes great pains to revel in it's love of 50's horror tropes; simultaneously it lampoons, emulates and aggrandizes all that made that era great, whilst still forming a successful 80's slasher film. It's a tall task, which most filmmakers would fail at. Check out Popcorn and if you dig it, search for the Kickster program that's currently working to give it the Proper DVD release it deserves.
We're going to try a slightly different format for you on the trailer dump. There will be fewer trailers but I'm going to share some interesting tidbits on each one. Let me know what you think of the format. Without further ado and with no more guilding the lilly.
Scalps - 1983
Written AND Directed by Fred Olen Ray, who also directed the absurd Evil Toons, so you know this will be awesome (and likely full of nudity).
Was released as a double feature on VHS with The Slayer and also on DVD in the early 2000's but it is currently out of print.
This was shot on a ranch that is now owned by Alice Cooper. Perhaps he's a massive Scalps fan?
The director claims that the reason this film makes no sense is because the distributor took his finished product and reedited it, disrupting the continuity and adding overlaid shots of a Native American chanting. Yeah right Fred, the distributor did it.
Savage Streets - 1984
This is a who's who of 80's cult films: John Vernon, Linnea Quigley and Linda Blair!
That killer 80's jam, which is queued by Linda Blair's cleavage, is called "Justice for One". I believe all cleavage should come equipped with an awesome 80's soundtrack. Sadly the soundtrack for this film and that awesome song, where never released.
The special edition DVD, released in 2008, is out of print and currently selling for $100 on Amazon. Arrow releasing just put out a UK only release with a boat load of special features.
The tagline on the poster reads: "They killer her sister and raper her best friend. An eye for an eye." What? Does that mean Linda Blair is supposed to go on a vigilante rape spree?
The Forrest - 1983
Man oh man. Prism home video. Anyone else remember Prism? Anyway, this trailer has my absolutely my absolute favorite thing: a manly, brooding narrator advising on what to bring and what to watch out for. Love it.
The poster has two tag lines. "If you go into the woods today...you might not get out alive" and "Daddy's gone hunting". I suggest you wait until tomorrow to go into the woods.
This was directed by Donald Jones, who went on to direct Project Nightmare in '87 and not much else.
This DID get a recent (2009) DVD release as a double feature with Don't go in the Woods.
Happy hunting. Don't forget your backpack, sleeping bag and knife.
Aright, I've got a few grindhouse specials for you today. You'll THRILL! to blazing action sequences, CHILL! with smooth blacksploitation and FIGHT! for you life in both the post apocalypse and ancient China. Let's get this show on the road.
Chinese Hercules
Meet the super human beast of the east!
Police Women
Keep your eyes peeled for the best karate kick sequence ever.
2020: Texas Gladiators
Does not seem to be set in Texas nor does it seem to contain gladiators.
Intermission!
Let me supplicate myself to your meat eating needs, master.
Coffee
Do they any sexier or more sassy than Pam Grier?
Pieces
I love the honesty of this trailer, it doesn't fuck around.
It's that time of the week again; the time to tuck in and focus on the movie appetizer sampler that is The Trailer Dump. This week's focus is a little more early 90's cheese as recommended by Noel, with one or two surprises thrown in by me. Bon appetite!
