The Dreaded Horror Blindspot: Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter

When mapping out my treasure hunt into Hammer's chest of riches (see part 1 and part 2 of this series), nothing could have prepared me for the sheer blinding awesome that is 1974's Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter. A quick and dirty glance over appropriate IMDB'age reveals that this is apparently the film that was Hammer Horror's iceberg; it's failure to resonate with audiences began the slow death of this storied production company. Having digested all Kronos has to offer, I can't even contemplate how this is possible.

Captain Kronos the man is a hardcore former soldier who's devoted his life to discovering vampire scourges and combating them at every turn. A master swordsman, he's a fantastic physical specimen; honed to both physical and mental edged perfection. He's a face melting metal bad ass traveling about the 1700's European country side, routing riotous villagers and bedding beautiful buxom Caroline Monroe.

He's accompanied by a faithful hunchbacked companion, who refuses to conform to normal cinematic stereotypes. Professor Hieronymus Grost is an arcane lore master of all things vampiric, musing at one point that "there are as many species of vampire as there are beasts of prey". He's a charming and charismatic personality, a master blacksmith, a stalwart companion and a great character. I absolutely loved every scene he's in, most especially the "chess scene" between him and Dr. Marcus.

It's evident from the outset that Hammer was attempting a reinvention of both vampire folklore and also themselves. Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter was designed to be a the first of a long running series staring rugged pre-Viggo Mortenson Horst Janson. He's contacted by an old war buddy, Dr.Marcus, to investigate the strange cases of young girls who are being found rapidly progressed to chronologically challenged hag status. Along the way Kronos frees a young, buxom Caroline Monroe from roadside stocks and invites her along to sexy ends. There's such a marvelous mystery presented within, that I've already said enough and will leave the baton at your feet to run with.

Sadly the film did very poorly at theaters (perhaps American audiences were worn out on Hammer by this point?) and so nothing ever came beyond this one film. Thinking back on it now in the rear view, Captain Kronos -Vampire Hunter was a decades forward thinking flick. The scientific method meets folk legend approach to reasoning out vampiric haunts and weaknesses heavily feels like best parts Hellboy and the logical explanation and methodical implementation of weapons and gadgets (all period appropriate) shows shades of these same aspects as presented in Batman Begins.

Captain Kronos- Vampire Hunter is a swashbuckling, euro-gothic, manly-fisticuffs good time. It was sadly passed over and almost forgotten but now you can check it out on Netflix streaming. Try on something new, something sheer, something that might not be your size but might feel so nice next to your skin.

 

 

Pontypool: Challenging Your Expectations

In the middle to late 90's, if you told me that we'd have a massive cultural zombie renaissance and accompanying weary-some glut, I'd have told you to fuck off and to go hide in the basement with the mouthy white guy, his abused wife and their soon to be reanimated, garden tool loving daughter. Nevertheless here we are and you've never had more choice chomps for your undead delights. Unfortunately for every new, interesting take on rotters, there's a dozen others that are just looking to cash in on the craze. Hopefully you didn't skip Pontypool.

The title, perhaps it's weakest point, is the reason that I almost passed it over. It's entirely unassuming, just like the film, and so it makes sense in the rear view but does a disservice as an initial hook. The title of the film comes from the name of the Canadian town in which it takes place. It's a small community afflicted by the bitter Ontario winters. We're following recent fired radio shock jock Grant Mazzie, who's on his way to the only gig he could get- morning news man on small town Pontypool's only station. Mazzie is brilliantly played by Stephen McHattie, whom I absolutely loved as Hollis Mason in Watchmen; especially in his last stand scene in the Extended version (arguably on of the best moments of the whole film). Grant is smooth and charismatic, which is absolutely essential in a character driven film with a single set.

That's right, outside of the opening sequence the entire film takes place in the radio studio populated by only three characters- Grant, his producer Sydney and Laural-Ann the tech. Because they are the main source of news for a small town and because they're precisely positioned to intersect the incoming information, we're introduced to the madness of an outbreak in such a unique way: without eyes or even first hand account.  It's tension times ten as all accounts of the hysteria are unconfirmable, with discomfort building on top of itself as call ins end in grotesque screams and with confusing mental hooks. The source of the outbreak might be the most unique ever attempted...but I'll stop right there.

I can't delve further into why Pontypool is such a unique entry into my favorite genre without completely spoiling what makes it so effective for you. This is a flick which zombie fans absolutely cannot afford to pass up, even if you've grown fatigued of the en vogue sugenre. It's so refreshing that it might even wipe some of that fatigue away. The atmosphere sucks you in and the story hooks dig themselves in deeper than an Alabama tick. I'd be fascinated to hear what other zombie fans think of this work. Drop me a line after you see it. It's currently available on Netflix Instant watch.

The (Vincent) Price of Admission

Vincent Price spent many decades in the business of terrifying audiences in low budget horror on the silver screen. With his unmistakable one of a kind voice and that devilishly wicked smirk, which could mean you were seconds from death or just that he found something gruesomely funny, he was a staple of my childhood horror diet.

My top three Vincent Price horror flicks in order? Easy

-The House on Haunted Hill

-The Last Man on Earth

-The Tingler

Oh sure, one of the Dr.Phibes films would be a more popular choice. And there’s room for Phibes love in my heart still, along with all the roles that Price has played. He was a rare actor who could captivate the audience and win them to his side despite the foul deeds he may committing frame by frame in the dark of the matinee.

Have grown up in the 80’s, I’ve seen a good number of Vincent Price schlock films. They were the purview of my Saturday afternoons and my USA Up All Nights. However, I won’t sit here and tell you I’ve seen even half of his films, there’s just so many. This is an excellent gift though as a fantastic number of them are available to stream from Netflix (I call out anyone who says there is nothing good to watch on Netflix instant streaming, you’re either a liar or a fool and Vincent Price does not suffer fools!).

It was thus that I stumbled upon a new Price gem to check out last night: Theater of Blood. From the description, I was expecting a little bit of Dr.Phibes meets equal parts Frederick Loren from House on Haunted Hill with a dash of Professor Jarrod from House of Wax. Oh man was I wrong and it couldn’t have been better.

Theater of Blood focuses on Edward Lionheart (Price), a renowned London Shakespearean actor, who has been unceremonious snubbed for an award by a circle of critics. A year after he supposedly takes his life, members of the critics’ circle begin to die gruesomely and in line with famous deaths from within Shakespeare’s works, spectacularly staged. If this sounds like a lot of Price’s other work, it should come as no surprise. He crafted a career in the Macabre. This is not at all what you would expect though.

There is a sense of black humor infused in Theater of Blood. Many of the murders are played for laughs and Price really gets a chance to stretch his acting chops and get outside of his normal tropes as he moves seamlessly from world renowned Shakespearean actor to sleazy masseuse, shock television show host and even an effeminate hair dresser equipped with an enormous red perm. His character does this all in the name of enacting very elaborate plans for vengeance but even so it’s too much for one man to hope to do alone.

Enter Lionheart’s loyal band of drunk homeless misfits (Every believed dead, vengeance seeking, wounded pride, Shakespearean actor needs one). In what has to be one of the oddest quirks in an already quirky story, there is a group of a dozen or so drunks who follow Lionheart’s orders and don costumes to assist in murdering these critics. They even participate in some of them. He does keep them heavily supplied with booze but it’s still quite strange that they would be complicit in these killings.

If you’re looking for more Phibes or some of Price’s earlier gothic experiences, Theater of Blood will confuse you. But look, if you can relax a bit, withstand the onslaught of outrageous puns, enjoy watching snooty critics get their comeuppance or just really like combat scenes which include fencing whist on trampolines, then you will really enjoy the madcap and irreverent Theater of Blood.

Bento Box of Schlock, order no. 1

"Welcome to the Midnight Cheese cafe` madam, what will you be having this evening? Ah the bento box, a wise decision. There's a little bit of VHS cover nostalgia for the 80's child in you, some instant gratification to get you going, a nosh-able delight to consume while getting your gratification on and a bit of knowledge dropped on you. Would you prefer that with a look back at your past horror indiscretions or the past indiscretions of others? Both? Excellent, I'll have the chef whip up your very own BENTO BOX OF SCHLOCK!"

Ah dear readers, I realize that sometimes you are in a hurry and just don't have time to read through our finely crafted ministrations. Submitted your your approval, I offer you the Midnight Cheese's newest dish: The Bento Box of Schlock. A little bit of a lot of things, which you can comsume quickly. Let me get out of your way. Tuck in and enjoy.

"Here he comes: Machine Gun Joe! Loved by thousands, hated by millions! " -Junior, Deathrace 2000

Chow
Nighttime Nachos
-Plate full of tortilla chips, spread out evenly
-Top with sliced jalapenos, kalamada olives, chili powder and splashed of tobassco sauce
-Cover all of that with shredded chedder and mozzerella cheese and nuke it until the cheese it melted
-Chow down while watching a cheesy movie
-Don't bother weighing yourself in the morning

Instant Gratification
Oh, you needed a flick to watch while enjoying those Nighttime Nachos? Well how about this then, Circle of Iron staring David Carradine?

It's the kick ass kung fu story of Cord the Seeker, who's set off on a quest to recover the book of all knowledge from the Wizard Zetan (most people call it stealing, but he's our hero, so what can you do?). Did I mention it stars david Carradine as "The Blind Man". And as "Monkeyman". Oh he's also "Death". And "Changsha" too. There's these other two guys in the film too, but you've probably never heard of them: Roddy McDowell and Christopher Lee. I know, not worth mentioning.

Circle of Iron available until the end of this week on netflix's instant streaming.

VHS Nostalgia
Check out this cover:

Did you know that this is the front cover box art for a film called The Final Sacrifice which features a husky, mulleted Canadian and a wimpy, rail thin Canadian who own no firearms? It's true. The box art was used to entice folks to pick up what they thought was a rollicking actioner. What they got instead was MST3K fodder (episode 910).

Cinema Obscuro~!
Speaking of The Final Sacrifice, we've got Christian Malcolm, who played pipsqueak Troy in said film (although his credit was incorrectly switched with the other lead, Bruce Mitchell, who played Zap Rowsdower, and there wasn't enough money in the budget to fix it). So what did Mr. Malcolm get up to after shooting this cinematic masterstroke? It seems he spent 6 months in 1999 as part of National British Tour of "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)". He had roles in Intimacy, Band of Brothers and Night Flight in the early part of the century and really hit his stride recently in the award winning short film Sex with the Finklesteins and a the role of "The Head of Ops" in the film Hanna. Not too shabby, Troy, not too shabby at all.

Cheese o'the Day
On this day in the year of our lord (Roger Corman) nineteen hundred and ninty-six, The Frighteners made it's theatrical debut. On the exact same day, the Tales from the Crypt television show premiered it's final episode.

"Well, that about wraps it up here at Rock & Roll High. Remember, if your principal ever gives *you* trouble, if you want *this* (Vince Lombardi High School is burning down) to happen at your school, you just give ol' Screamin' Steve a call. I'm in the book - under SCARRRREAMIN'!" -Screamin' Steve Stevens, Rock 'n' Roll High School