Oh boy do I loves me some cheesy trailers. The menacing voice over, the focus on action, one liners, scares and nudity. It's a whole 80 minute bad movie with the 50 boring minutes having been stripped out, leaving us with a bombastically edited look at the remaining awesome bits, made from concentrate. Enjoy.
Halloween is the best time of the year. It's a wonderfully indulgent time, where your inner ghoul is given societal license to be put on display. To celebrate it to it's wicked fullest, the Midnight Cheese will be posting every day in October with excellent ways to enjoy the season. Whether it's horror films, video games, books or activities, check back every day for some new Halloween fun.
Oh yes, it has begun! The temperature has finally gone from closer to summer-esk to delightful fall chill. The TV channels have begun their heavy horror film rotations. I should point out that SyFy, despite how much I hate the name and their normally terrible choice in programing, has done what most channels should have been; that is dedicate the whole month to horror flicks. Nevertheless, it's that time of year, so check your TV Guide cable menu and tag those flicks you love to your DVR.
One of those movie experiences you need to check out is The Midnight Hour, which is especially important to record since it isn't currently available to the home video market. I'd heard a rumor that dream fulfilling Shout! Factory is working on a release of it but until then my Anchor Bay VHS is apparently worth over $100 bucks on EBay. It must be the LaVar Burton star power.
This made for TV movie isn't going to make your gore-o-meter twitch from it's start position but that's no reason not to give it a fair shake. It contain zombies, ghosts, vampires and witches though I wouldn't call it a kitchen sink approach since it all makes sense in context. A group of high schoolers break into their small New England town's museum to steal historical clothing to wear as costumes to their Halloween party, which is later that night. As fate would have it, one of the teens is the great-grand daughter of a witch who cursed the town 300 years earlier. They find a strange scroll in among the possession and she then reads it, in a graveyard, unleashing both zombies and ghosts, along with the witch, who is seemingly now a vampire.
As is par for the course in these situations, no one notices there is a problem early on because it's Halloween. Before you know it, we have a vampire dance number on our hands and this shit just gets real. Built into all of this is an innocent love story and as I mentioned LaVar Burton, of Star Trek: The Next Generation and Reading Rainbow fame. The Midnight Hour is a fun, innocent, Halloween themed romp that you can share with the whole family. Make sure you DVR it if it's gracing your programming line up.
I give The Midnight Hour four LaVar Burtons....out of Five.
House II begins on a Halloween in 1961. A sweet and concerned couple hands their crying baby over to safer hands. As their baby drives off with other people (family members, strangers, hobos…I have no idea who they are and it’s irrelevant), the couple arm themselves and investigate ominous spur-like sounds coming from upstairs. What… could it be an undead cowboy, lurking in the shadows, seeking a mystical skull that can grant eternal life and youth? Hmm…. Perhaps, but telling would be spoiling.
Twenty-five years later, Jesse (Ayre Gross), a successful architect (I feel as though in the 80s, that was the cool profession to have next to rockstar or hip doctor that wears Chucks with their scrubs) drives up to his newly inherited home with girlfriend in tow. How he inherited it, where it's located or why he's never been there before now are details in which this movie is not interested. It doesn't take long before Jesse to start meddling through his great-great grandfather's mysterious possessions. You see, great-great gramps (Jesse also) was somewhat of a cowboy Indiana Jones. His prized find, a mystical crystal skull (coughcoughGeorgeLucascough). Jesse Prime had a run in with his partner, Slim Razor (I shit you not, that's the baddie's name) over the skull. Jesse killed Slim and hid the skull for safe keeping.
With the arrival of Jesse Jr. Jr.'s best bud, Charley (Jonathan Stark), they decide to dig up Jesse Prime's grave, which is conveniently on the property, in hopes the the skull is with his remains. Lucky for them, Jesse Prime (from now on known as Gramps and played by Royal Dano) isn't dead, but a 170 year old coot who's ready to tell stories and booze it up.
The rest of the movie is a madcap adventure for laughs involving prehistoric bird, caterpillar pug dogs, lots of beer, human sacrifices, pagan tribes, more old west zombies and John Ratzenberger swashbuckling. What's not to cheer about?
Writer and director Ethan Wiley leaves no genre unturned (save for Kung Fu) in his directorial debut. Having written the original House, he must've been in a jovial mood when approaching it's sequel. No slouch when it comes to his pedigree, though, acting as creative and pupeteering on 80s classics like Return of the Jedi and Gremlins. His attention to effects and composition in the more technical aspects of the movie are impressive and hold up for a twenty-five year old flick.
In summation, what's not to love about the kitchen sink mentality behind House II. Everything is in there, including Bill Maher as a sleazy music executive with
feathered hair (I love the 80s). House II is the epitome of movies that used to run at 2:00am on the USA Network in-between sorority girls and Toxic Avengers. A gem of schlock buried deep in a sea of forgotten experiments. Before direct to video was an option for these odd flicks, House II stands as a bug-nuts middle finger to rational thought and predictable plot progression.
I highly recommend this one on a sick day, stuck at home or a night after the bar as you look for something to watch that'll ease your buzz to rest. If you'll excuse me, I think I just might go watch it again.
Sweet dreams, Cheese-faces!
P.S... How's this for a slice of awesome?
Horror master Wes Craven has written and directed dozens of genre films and TV shows throughout his long career. On more than one occasion, he has arguably redefined the genre and reestablished himself as relevant every generation. He understands story and structure in such an instinctual way that he’s able to elevate even the most inane plot devices and you, noble viewer, just accept it.
With a career so vast and consistent (for a good amount of time, Mr. Craven was averaging 1.5 movies every two years), it’s easy for some of his work to slip through the cracks of mainstream and find themselves late night cable favorites. One of these little gems goes by the name of Shocker.
Written and directed by Craven and starring a young Peter Berg (who has become a solid director in his own right) and Mitch Pileggi (Deputy Director Skinner of X-Files lore), Shocker tells the story serial killing cable repairman who wreaks havoc post mortem.
Lt. Don Parker (Michael Murphy) gets so close to catching said serial killer, the deranged Horace Pinker (Pileggi), that his family is targeted. His wife and biological son are brutally murdered in retaliation. Vengeance is sworn. Parker’s older adopted son, Jonathan (Berg) is emotionally distraught over the deaths and starts experiencing vivid dreams about Pinker. Through said dreams, Jonathan tracks Pinker down. Pinker gets wind and kills Jonathan’s girlfriend. Tortured Jonathan continues having dreams, this time leading to Pinker.
Bad guy caught, all ancillary characters killed off for emotional resonance and a quick trial/death sentence given - Horace Pinker is going to die via electric chair. Good guys win (even though all their loved ones have been brutally murdered), whoo hoo! Not so fast… Pinker made a deal with the devil in the form of giant television lips (yeah) and is now pure electricity! What? He’s Jonathan’s biological father, too! Holy plot twist!
Not only can the newly disembodied Pinker travel through currents, but he can possess any person he comes in contact with, except Jonathan, or course, because he has a magic necklace that his dead lady friend gave him in a dream. The similarities to Craven’s earlier Nightmare films are abundant, tweeked ever so slightly for this lighter affair.
The 80s metal infused soundtrack and “practical” digital effects make this a movie that’s obviously dated, but visually holds up surprisingly well. I wish I could say the same for some of the plot developments, but that’s half the charm. Every cop in this movie is either an idiot or a chain smoking rogue. They also have no concept of procedure or securing a crime scene. If I had a dollar for every time our main character just walks into a crime scene to have some sort of emotional response in front of the deceased’s body… then I’d have three dollars. That’s an energy drink’s worth of poor police work. Also providing (un)intentional laughs are Jonathan's football friends and their collective eagerness to believe and help Jonathan. Not one of them questions his sanity. Perhaps that would bog down the plot too much?
The movie ramps up in its final act when Pinker transmits himself via television. If you’ve ever wanted to see two men fight it out on every channel, this is your movie. All kidding aside, it’s hard not to appreciate the ingenuity that surfaces in the last 20 minutes. The film effectively changes genres from horror/thriller to a strange mix of trippy sci-fi while still maintaining mass consumption appeal.
Put 80s horror clichés in a blender with the era’s metal music, a dash of gore and vulgarity, mix in a little science fiction, place tongue firmly in cheek and you have Shocker. Easily, one of my favorite bad Craven movies.
Spoilers... Ted Raimi is in this movie (YAHHHH), but dies off screen (BOOOO).
“Remember the good old days, when bullets used to kill people.” – Doug Bigelow
Starring Treat Williams (the poor man’s Tommy Lee Jones) and Joe Piscopo (post SNL, muscled and mulleted) are two LAPD detectives, cleaning up the mean streets with their standard issue side arms and butter knife sharp wit. During a routine bank robbery shoot-out (which is like a typical Tuesday in LA), Detectives Roger Mortis (Williams…note the name… get it) and Doug Bigelow (Piscopo, still with a mullet) realize that these bad guys aren't going down with bullet hits. Oh no, zombies!
As their pursuit of the dim bulb zombie robbers continues, they find themselves at Dante Laboratories, where something foul is afoot. Roger dies tragically and Doug decides, "Hey, why not put my partner and best friend's body in this huge machine, just to see what it does." The machine reanimates Roger and now we've got a movie!
What transpires is 90 minutes of madcap buddy cop comedy and one-liners to spare. Roger only has twelve hours before he completely decomposes. That's more than enough time to kick a little ass and get to the bottom of this zombie business.
There are more than enough things to love about this movie, many of which derive from Piscopo's Doug Bigelow. He's unnaturally buff (coughcoughsteroidscough) and rocking that Jerry curl like a pro. There's no shame in his comedic timing. So much so that you can't help but giggle even at the clunkers. The man commits. Williams is the straight guy, learning to live a little more every time he takes a bullet and doesn't go down. Whether they're fighting hulking monsters, reanimated post-butchered cows (yes) or each other, the brisk pace of this shiny turd keeps you entertained.
Directed by Mark Goldblatt, an Oscar nominated editor whose only other feature film directed endeavor was the Dolph Lundgren Punisher a year later. His fine-tuned editing chops come in handy with this mash up of genres. The make up and creature effects are fun, if not accurate and surprisingly effective when they are. With such a ridiculous premise and execution, it's hard not to love Dead Heat for what it is. I love the reckless abandon of 80s genre cinema. It's like there's a dartboard filled with contrived premises and the screenwriters landed their darts on Buddy Cop, Zombie, and Action Comedy.
Having seen the film numerous times in my youth, I was shocked how it held up by my (sometimes) unrealistic expectations today. If I'm going to commit to a movie now a days, it better be worth it. Oh, boy is Dead Heat worth it. So much in fact that I petition to you, Midnight Cheeseheads, let's get this re-made. Perhaps staring Will Smith and Ben Affleck or something, directed by someone that understands movies can be fun, even when they don't make sense. Keep the zombie butcher shop scene and it'll be box office gold!
Allow me to take on the role of your life's screenwriter and set the scene: you've recently met a delightful young lady (or handsome dude) with whom you seem to get along very well. Sure, you've gone on a date or two, but before you really go head over heels, you'd like to be completely certain that they're the one (at least among the two or perhaps top three). But how can you be certain? How can you remove that seed of doubt?
Why, by using the Evil Dead Girlfriend Test. "What the hell?" (you say to no one in particular). It's true that in the before time, the long-long ago, we horror nerds had to resort to developing our own unique methods for weeding out the worthy from the wanting. It wasn't easy. We didn't have eHarmony and Match doing the dirty work for us with their overhyped compatibility tests. In the 90's, horror freaks needed someone to look to in this darkest hour, someone they could trust, someone like Bruce Campbell.
"Ok, sure, that's a bunch of fancy words you wrote, but what the heck is it anyway?"
Quite simply if you have someone you believe is worthy of the next of commitment, dating, it behooves you to sit down with them and watch the 1987 masterpiece, Evil Dead 2. I know you've watched like a gajillion times. I know you wore out a VHS version and that you likely own four different DVD copies. But this isn't about you, nerd face, it's about your potential beau. So fire up that entertainment center, get some popcorn and expose this lucky contestant to what Mr. Raimi has to offer. (by the way, that line begs to enter the lexicon as a dirty euphemism)
This part should come easy, since you've already seen Evil Dead 2 enough times to quote it; you need to watch and observe your potential partner's reactions (and not quote the movie back verbatim. Believe it or not, that makes you really annoying. That was an extra nickel's worth of free advice from Mr. Strickland). There are two things to look for at this point. The first is disgust. If Evil Dead 2 makes your date disgusted or bored, you might be better off as friends with benefits, because you probably won't make it in the long run, but that shouldn't stop two sweaty nerds from having a good time in the sack. Tell tale signs of not enjoying one of the most enjoyable films of all time include but are not limited to "What the hell is this?" "That's not funny!" or "This is fucking stupid". If he/she says the latter, you're allowed to punch them in kidneys (in every state but Utah; Bruce Campbell could give two shits about Utah).
How do you know you're in the gold? Laughter is a good sign. So are smiles and smirks. They might even tell you it was awesome or thank you for exposing them to it. In any of these cases, you can now be certain that it's safe to move on to the next level of dating with complete certainty. It is recommended that you conduct further testing if the relationship is likely to go further.
I subjected tested my wife with a successive series of films prior to even dating her. If I recall correctly, the sequence was Evil Dead 2-The Beyond-shots of vodka-Riki Oh.
"I can find "shots of vodka" on IMDB" you say. Thanks jerk. The point to be had here is that my wife and I have been together 10 years and it's clearly thanks to Bruce Campbell. 'Cheese contributor Noel suggested I add testimonials to strengthen my writing. So I approached my wife about it. She rolled her eyes and went back to what she was doing. Oh yeah nerds, it totally works.
