Saturday, June 11, 2011

A Match Made in a Cabin in the Woods

Allow me to take on the role of your life's screenwriter and set the scene: you've recently met a delightful young lady (or handsome dude) with whom you seem to get along very well. Sure, you've gone on a date or two, but before you really go head over heels, you'd like to be completely certain that they're the one (at least among the two or perhaps top three). But how can you be certain? How can you remove that seed of doubt?

Why, by using the Evil Dead Girlfriend Test. "What the hell?" (you say to no one in particular). It's true that in the before time, the long-long ago, we horror nerds had to resort to developing our own unique methods for weeding out the worthy from the wanting. It wasn't easy. We didn't have eHarmony and Match doing the dirty work for us with their overhyped compatibility tests. In the 90's, horror freaks needed someone to look to in this darkest hour, someone they could trust, someone like Bruce Campbell.

"Ok, sure, that's a bunch of fancy words you wrote, but what the heck is it anyway?"

Quite simply if you have someone you believe is worthy of the next of commitment, dating, it behooves you to sit down with them and watch the 1987 masterpiece, Evil Dead 2. I know you've watched like a gajillion times. I know you wore out a VHS version and that you likely own four different DVD copies. But this isn't about you, nerd face, it's about your potential beau. So fire up that entertainment center, get some popcorn and expose this lucky contestant to what Mr. Raimi has to offer. (by the way, that line begs to enter the lexicon as a dirty euphemism)

This part should come easy, since you've already seen Evil Dead 2 enough times to quote it; you need to watch and observe your potential partner's reactions (and not quote the movie back verbatim. Believe it or not, that makes you really annoying. That was an extra nickel's worth of free advice from Mr. Strickland). There are two things to look for at this point. The first is disgust. If Evil Dead 2 makes your date disgusted or bored, you might be better off as friends with benefits, because you probably won't make it in the long run, but that shouldn't stop two sweaty nerds from having a good time in the sack. Tell tale signs of not enjoying one of the most enjoyable films of all time include but are not limited to "What the hell is this?" "That's not funny!" or "This is fucking stupid". If he/she says the latter, you're allowed to punch them in kidneys (in every state but Utah; Bruce Campbell could give two shits about Utah).

How do you know you're in the gold? Laughter is a good sign. So are smiles and smirks. They might even tell you it was awesome or thank you for exposing them to it. In any of these cases, you can now be certain that it's safe to move on to the next level of dating with complete certainty. It is recommended that you conduct further testing if the relationship is likely to go further.

I subjected tested my wife with a successive series of films prior to even dating her. If I recall correctly, the sequence was Evil Dead 2-The Beyond-shots of vodka-Riki Oh.

"I can find "shots of vodka" on IMDB" you say. Thanks jerk. The point to be had here is that my wife and I have been together 10 years and it's clearly thanks to Bruce Campbell. 'Cheese contributor Noel suggested I add testimonials to strengthen my writing. So I approached my wife about it. She rolled her eyes and went back to what she was doing. Oh yeah nerds, it totally works.

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