Noel Bartocci felt the very strong urge to contribute. As on who is often taken by strong urges, I totally endulged him. Please enjoy his review of the second Human Centipede flick.
If this movie had a face I would want to fucking punch it.
Too much? Let me explain.
This movie is offensively terrible. Not offensive because of the graphic violence. Not offensive because of the deplorable characters and the acts against humanity. Not even offensive because of the baby killing, explosive diarrhea, or sand paper masturbation scenes. No, this movie is offensive because it thinks you, the viewer, is a fucking moron.
This movie isn't just trying too hard, the opposite, in fact. It doesn't try hard enough to be more than what it is, but desperately thinks it is (are you following me). Worse yet, make it black and white, throw some disturbing images in there and call it "art." Fuck that. Substance is required and the only substance this movie deals with is shit. Literally.
Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence is the film (I use the term 'film' real loosely) in question. I probably should have lead with that, but I got ahead of myself. I get upset when I think of it, so kudos to you, writer/director Tom Six. You've succeeded in penetrating my common nomenclature. Sure. It isn't very flattering, but any press is good press, right? Thats the only reason why this flick and it's predecessor have any traction. Face it, you've made career out of "grossing people out." Worse than Jackass, though. They have a sense of humor about it and I seriously doubt their exploits stoop to extreme sexual depravity.
Much like this article, my thoughts on the movie are constantly interrupted by how much I was taken aback by it's intention. Yes, intention. Every movie has an intention. Whether it's to inform, inspire, entertain, or explain, there's always a reason. Even the most ignorantly produced flicks merely aspire to coax a smile from the viewer (like every SyFy original picture ever made). This movie's intention is debatable, I suppose. I have no idea, really what they intended to tell us.
The set up is inspiring, creating a situation where the first film doesn't have to be seen (in fact, I still haven't). HC2:FS follows a grotesquely shaped and always sweaty parking attendant with a mother that blames him for his father's sexual abuse. Our "hero" has an unnatural obsession with this movie called Human Centipede. Yes, this sequel is in the "real world" while the first film is in "movieland." Self-important move number one, but not a deal breaker. It seemed to be a very brave and bold storytelling choice, catapulted by the first film's global reception. The idea of this movie being informed by the so called despicable first film. Imagine if someone WAS sadistaically inspired by the first film. It's a great idea. One of two fun ideas that the movie has. The other is a fun inclusion of an actress featured in part one. All the good will derived from these choices is lost by the shitty that follows.
I've already written too much about this movie and getting into the actual details of plot is a losing battle. If you decide to watch this flick, go for it. Just know that you are about to embark on 100 minutes of a film-school-hack's self importance being flickered on the screen. This movie is going to talk down to you and when you point out a hole in plot, motivation, or sense, it'll claim it was intentional and mock you for not "getting it" because it's "art." Quit fucking around, Mr. Six. No one gets it because there's nothing there. Calling this a horror movie or thriller is like calling a porno romantic comedy or erotic drama (no offense to porn). Hell, at least porn knows what it is and embraces it. I can't say the same for this.
Well, holy hell! I've got some delicious fare for you this week. There's something for everyone here, including sexy 70's babes, horrific gore, delightful drive-in fare and nostalgia aplenty. Enjoy!
Chuck Francisco is a columnist for Mania writing Saturday Shock-O-Rama, the weekly look into classic cult, horror and sci-fi. He is a horror co-host of two monthly film series at the world famous Colonial Theatre in Phoenixville, PA (home of 1958's 'The Blob'): First Friday Fright Nights and Colonial Cult Cinema.You can delve further into his love of all things weird and campy on his blog, The Midnight Cheese or hear him occasionally guesting on eminent podcast You've Got Geek.
Greetings and salutations my macabre minions! I bring you tidings of goodness and joy (if you derive goodness from bad ass black bikers and joy from zombie flesh eaters). I've been scouring Archive.org for all things drive-in nostalgia flavored, tossed it into a mixing bowl with some wacked out trailers and set the machine to frappe. I hope you enjoy the gore soaked hell out of it; please hit me with some feed back so I can better enhance your viewing pleasure.
There are a few quick notices I wanted to bring you up speed on. I'm going to be scaling back to two weekly 'Cheese updates. The reason for that is because I've been so involved in other projects that you wouldn't be getting the best from me and I love ya too much to give you the scraps, dear readers. The good news is that you can catch both writings and rumblings from me in these other projects as well as here at The Midnight Cheese.
My weekly column on Mania.com, Saturday Shock-O-Rama, should tickle your midnight fancy and is updated every Saturday morning. This past week's piece is on the gory Kung-fu slapstick flick, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky.
Cinedelphia.com features new movie reviews from me. Here's my piece on The Woman in Black. My musings on Men in Black 3 should be up on Friday.
I'm also a sometimes personality on the excellent podcast, You've Got Geek, which is released weekly and has all your nerd needs covered.
Greetings and salutations dear readers. Like Iron Man's armor, the Trailer Dump has leveled up and taken a massive leap forward. It's now a self contained entity, encapsulating all the good that you've come to expect, including cheesy trailers, intermission bumpers and solicitations to visit the, sometimes frightening, concessions stand. I've assembled all this on one platform: my iPhone (damn I love technology). Still a work in progress, I'd appreciate feedback.
I'm also writing a new weekly series for Mania entitled Saturday Shock-O-Rama. You can find my first go around right here: Count Yorga, Vampire
I love when witty subtitles are playfully and abusively applied to the main event's moniker. Serving as a supplemental dipping sauce, they're poised to enhance your full feature flavor. And so today's unfolding is entitled: The Trailer Dump XIV: 'Sploitating the Shit Outta You Sucka! There, that's more comfortable. Let's get this show on the road jive turkeys.
I'm awake.
I'm have a knock knock Neo, down the rabbit hole kind of morning, where coffee offers little solace and small gains toward awakening. I've survived eX-Fest II but not without first having my brain scooped out to marinate in a jar of the tastiest cast off juices that 70's revenge celluloid has to offer. Being the flavor of the day, vengeance belonged to whomever had the biggest balls and baddest ass, regardless of gender. Let's talk a walk , you and I, down my sequence of yesterday's events while I regale you with what whimsies struck me and wreak vengance upon the lesser members of the accompanying audience.
The No Mercy Man
1973. AKA: Fire in the Wind, Trained to Kill, Vietnam Soldier.
Genre fave Sig Haig looks really good and is absolute slimy bad ass here as Pill Box, the leader of a biker gang.
Society's condemnation of interracial relationships among carney folk leads to breaking and enter, theft, murder and a bad ass biker on soldier gun battle sequence.
Hardened Vietnam veterans of the highest training often high five in 80's action broseph style after RPG'ing a truck rather than taking cover to avoid submachinegun ventilation.
If your son comes back as a highly decorated veteran with PDST, the best way to help him is smug disregard, urging him to fist fight you and making him live in the shed. No harm can come of this.
All it takes to snap a commando out of PDST is the brutal beating into unconsciousness of his father. And the near crucifixion of his mother. And the rape of his sister. Oh, and the rape of his other sister. Make it that far and it's game on for the no mercy man.
Fear is the Key
1973.
Barry Newman, John Vernon and Ben Kingsley - Oh my!
This film is absolutely boss bad ass for the first thirty minutes while Barry Newman is beating up cops, escaping from court, enjoying hard liquor on Sundays and leading Lousiana state police on a really fucking sweet 20 minute car chase.
After that half an hour, it takes a shovel to the noggin and begins to believe that it's a second rate James Bond flick.
I never wanted a 1972 Ford Gran Torino before the first third of this film. If I'm not mistaken, Lousiana state police have an excellent car budget; affording a good number of Pontiac GTO's to wreck at will.
The Man From Hong Kong
1975. AKA- The Dragon Flies (get it? With the hang gliding and- nevermind)
An honest to goodness Ozsploitation Kung-Fu film. Kick arse!
Relations between Austria and China were not comfortable in 1975. Inspector Fang Sing Leng looks to change all that. With his dick. One Aussie babe at a time. He's a dick-lomat.
George Lazenby should have played Ron Burgondy by way of Tom Selleck's mustache.
Hugh Keays-Byrne plays the aptly named police detective Grosse. You might remember him as Toe Cutter, the main antagonist from the first Mad Max film. Lucky for him his role as a police detective didn't require a more conservative haircut, just a slightly smaller dangly earring.
Watching fat guys in spandex shirts run up Australlian mountain sides should be a god damned Olympic sport.
I never want to watch hang gliding again. Ever.
Death Weekend
1976. AKA- The House by the Lake
Under the oily thin vaneer of a rape and revenge romp lies the true heart of this film: it's really Yuppiesploitation. I hated Doctor Black the perverted peeping tom womanizer; the elitist consumerist; the purchasing power braggot; on the same level that I hated the gang of alcoholic murderous thugs (bravo film makers!)
If wanting to add brevity to any diabolical life or death situation, just show quick cuts of the hated dead yuppie's shutgunned face as it ackwardly gets in the way whilst our heroine attempts her mad dash escape.
Helplessly alcoholic gas station attendants are hysterical. This is especially true when their crippling addiction prevents them from coming to the rescue even when they realize something is amiss through their inebriated haze.
There was audience appluse during the revenge killings of three of the four gang members. Incredibly strangly the most elaborate comeuppance, involving a boat house, gasoline, a flare and a well hidden valkyrie of vengance, received little fan fare.
Wipeout!
1973. AKA- The Boss
I fucking love Henry Silva! He only has one facial expression, but it's a classic: Wax museum Chevy Chase. He pimps the hell out of that look, no matter the circumstance. Killing dudes with a grenade launcher? Wax Chevy Chase. Banging a girl he loathes? Wax Chevy Chase. Taking a phone call? Wax Chevy Chase but with raised eyebrows! Genius.
The theme in this film is a hard rockin' bit of guitar and vinegar piss. I felt 13% more awesome everytime it kicked in. (if you know where I can acquire a copy of it, please contact me)
Nick Lanzetta hates skin flicks.
Main heavy and over all dick Cocchi heavily resembles Bruce Campbell during the second half of The Man With the Screaming Brain (which was also screened by Exhumed Films).
Vice Squad
1982.
A more fitting title would have been "Inept Police Squad". Seriously: a pimp named Ramrod in a bright blue satin cowboy shirt and on the run from the law manages to be a more effective dectective then all the members of Vice Squad combined.
I might have mistook this for the early 90's. The only excuses I can bring to bear are exhustion and failing memory.
The Johns manage to be a slimy collection of harsh truth ground into the patina of the Hollywood prostitute lifestyle (glamorous as it must certainly be).
If a chauffer hires you on behalf of his master and goes to elaborate pains for the fantasy's illusion, bitch don't you that ruin shit by talking when you see the old man in the pine box waiting to bang you. You're a Hollywood hoe, how much stranger can this possibly be over your normal day to day?
I really wanted the main cop as protrayed by Emilio Estavez, especially after his star rose at the last Exhumed Films marathon event: the annual 24 hour Horrorthon.
Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS
1975.
While seriously jazzed as the preemptive red backed warning made it's how-do-you-do on screen, as the film proceeded my jubilation escaped me. The situation is simply to close to reality to be entertaining overall. The sequels are much more campy and fun. I'm missing the point though, as exploitation is not always supposed to be fun, infact it rarely can be considered as such.
This is a nessisary experience on the exploitation spectrum (which is like a much slezier autism spectrum) and anyone who left early is now substantively less whole then they otherwise could have been.
And so the second eX-Fest drew to a close. Overall I would have to say that I had more fun with last year's selections. This is not to say that I didn't enjoy what I witnessed yesterday as it was much more in line with what I'd expect from an exploitation festival. It was sleazier and the price of admission included a small part of what remains of your soul. I'd prefer a healthy mix of the exaggerated sleaze and the over the top fun, but I would by no means complain about the film selections. They were all excellent and they all fit into a day of vengenace laden fun. Yet another bill of entertainment from the fine fellows over at Exhumed Films.
Before I close the book on twelve plus hours of my life, I would be remiss in avoiding some ugly truths.
To the rectal pieces of human refuse who decided that your need to know the time, the hockey score, what your friends were up to or that anything else on your cell phone out weighed everyone else's right to not be sucked out of their movie going experience need to step into traffic. You're incosiderate to the extreme, likely irredeemably so and I respectfully request that you spend your time doing something other than burdoning the planet's population with your continued existance.
To those sitting in the middle section, most notably near the top, it is your responsibility when moving to and fro not to obstruct the projector's radiant beams. If that means you have to bend further forward while moving, by all means do so. I understand that as a sweaty neckbeard film nerd, this might classify as exertion beyond your normal means but by all means attempt to exert anyway. I can literally see you getting fatter as you obstruct the reason why everyone is tolerating being in your presence in the first place.
To the back row, center section folks (most of whom are guilty of the previous two cinematic war crimes) your taste in alcoholic beverages is fucking abismal. Everyone gets one go on this rotating rock around the sun and you're wasting yours drinking fucking Four Loko? I know that you don't know how to properly select what to pour into your mouth hole because despite numerous requests that you not do so from the fine folks of Exhumed Films, you entitled pricks left a bevy of garbage in your wake.
Which brings me to my last point: Hey you entitled nerdbodies who left your trash behind, go fuck yourselves. These guys put on a great show of rare goods to entertain you yet despite that you can't pick up your soda bottle as you exit? Your massive corinary can't arrive soon enough to remove you from our presences.
There's an incompletion located somewhere within you. A sacrosanct sector which hasn't gotten sufficient nutritional intake. It's not your fault that the past decades haven't been kind to your ability to take in exploitation cinema with a raucous audience full of the deviant that you hide inside. Exhumed Films has your ticket though, hosting an annual exploitation marathon dubbed eX-Fest, which boasts a smorgasbord of flavors. With eX-Fest II just six days away, I asked Jesse Nelson (member of Exhumed Films and co-proprietor of Diabolik DVD) a bunch of questions which I've wanted to know the answers to.
Q: How did you get involved with Exhumed Films in the first place?
We met the guys that run GRINDHOUSE RELEASING while at Fantasia in Montreal and decided that it would be fun to rent a few movies from them, find a local theatre and have a halloween double feature. We all threw in some money and resigned ourselves to the fact we might lose it, but at least we would have a good time watching the movies. To our surprise, people showed up and we decided to put the profits back into a collective pool and start planning more shows. Back then it was mostly word of mouth and handing out flyers - the internet was a very small portion of what it is now.
Q: Since you guys primarily run horror, where did eX-Fest come from?
After the success of the 24hr fest, we decided we needed another big show midway between the horror-thons, so we came up with a theme of 12 hours and movies we normally wouldn't show at the 24hr fest. Mainly we wanted to watch a bunch of sleazy, non-horror movies with an audience and we figured an "event" would bring people in and luckily it did.
Q: What's been you absolute favorite show that Exhumed has run?
Easily Bruce Campbell at the Harwan. He was in town for a Hercules/Xena convention and we managed to get ahold of him for a screening of Evil Dead 2 at Midnight. He not only introduced the movie, but did a Q&A and refused to leave until he signed something for everyone. I think we managed to wrap it up around 5am. PLUS, he gave us a low ball figure for the night and refused to take a penny more. Very classy, funny and all around the most pleasant celebrity experience despite the late night and that the AC had broken earlier that day.
Q: How about favorite film? (that Exhumed has screened)
I love so many of the films we show, its hard to pick one out. Its fun to show oddball things like PIECES and FAREWELL UNCLE TOM with a crowd, but I think that THE THING is the film that I never tire of watching with an audience.
Q: What's the film you'd most like to show but can not? (why not?) Collectively it was DAWN OF THE DEAD, but we finally worked out that rights issue last year. Aside from that there are some other things that we have never been able to track down for one reason or another such as HALLOWEEN 3 for example, but the thing I have wanted to show from the beginning is Fulci's CONQUEST which doesn't seem to exist on film any longer in any format.
Q: I've really enjoyed the smaller venue'd, 16mm shows at the Audubon auction house from this past year. Where did that idea come from? (and will there be more of them?)
The Auction house has a pretty tight weekend schedule, which is great for them, but not great for us trying to schedule shows. We will have more in the coming year for sure though. They actually contacted us and wanted us to have a pop up theatre in there. They already had the PA and the screen so all we had to do was provide the films and the projectors - which is the great thing about 16mm.
Q: Since 1997, you guys have been housed in a number of venues. Which do you feel was the coolest, which has the best vibe for exhumed and which do you miss the most?
The Harwan was my favorite... It was a total dump and provided the best vibe. You could smoke in the upstairs lounge!!! But the Hoyts in Pennsauken was the best for us business wise. They didn't care what we did, what we showed and how long we were there. It wasn't the best vibe, but it had the best projection, sound and those amazing seats! It would be great to have the 24hr fest there. To this day I don't think the manager told corporate what he was doing and put that money in his pocket for the rental - but that was fine by us.
Q: Who decided to end last year's eX-Fest with The Other Cinderella. (fucking spectacular, btw)
I wanted to end this year's with a full on hardcore movie, but the other guys were against it and I guess I was to some extent as well, but damn it would have been fun! Harry is the exploitation guru in the group and I don't even argue with the films he comes up with. If he wants to show it, I want to see it!
Q: What's the most rewarding part of Exhumed for you?
Aside from the movies, which do become a bit tedious from time to time (Evil Dead 2 again???) I really love meeting everyone and chatting about movies and hearing the responses - which aren't always positive. I feel like we have created a great horror community with Exhumed and DiabolikDVD in the Philadelphia area and I love being involved with that.
I'd like to thank Jesse for taking the time to answer my questions (and for always taking all my dollars at at the Diabolik DVD table each show!).
Check out my recap of last year's eX-Fest and then snag your tickets for this Sunday's event right here (precious few remain as of this writing). Then prepare yourself for twelve hours of mysterious mind blowing fare from all across the exploitation venue. If you waffle now, you'll be cursing yourself while you read my recap of the awesome flicks on display.
As I settled in to watch my new copy of 1973's 'The Cheerleaders', an excellent double disc release from Arrow, a few things became abundantly clear. Firstly, this silly teenage sex comedy toes the thin line between softcore and hardcore in it's depiction of how we all imagine real cheerleaders actually behave (still got my fingers crossed there) and secondly it's also from quite another place and time entirely. Likely made for the drive-in market ("daddy, what's a drive-in?"), this delightfully campy, low budget, raunchy comedy doesn't quite click like I can tell it should. Perhaps I shouldn't have watched it by myself; it does seem like the kind of flick which is best enjoyed with company. This, of course, led my brain to the following train of thought: What would someone walking in on me watching this by my lonesome think?
And there are plenty of activities which you could participate in that would amplify the potential embarrassment you may experience. I've cataloged a few for you; consider this both a warning as well as a dare.
Five Things you shouldn't be caught doing while watching The Cheerleaders
Don't Eat Hot Dogs - This should be pretty obvious. Wrapping your sweaty, mustachioed maw around a cylindrical meat stick whist watching softcore 70's sex comedies just might garner you some funny looks.
Don't Fish Around in your Pocket for Loose Change - because that really isn't watch you're doing. Besides, what the hell are you carrying hard currency for? That's so the 00's.
Don't Polish your Glass Rod Collection - Look, I know that they've been gathering dust but resist all impulses to stroke your glass shafts with impunity, Gandalf Greyhame.
Don't Pet your Pussy - As enjoyable and warming as it would be to have a puring pussy in your lap whist viewing The Cheerleaders, think about how startled that kitty will be when your littler horror fan is aroused by the on screen antics.
Don't Rub One Out - My god! Are you even paying attention to the plot?
Marvin the Macabre from The Montana Mancave Massacre put out a Bat Signal, requesting top 10 lists from the internet's horror-sphere. Below is my personal list, not that of the Entire Midnight Cheese crew. Some of them may also post theirs, I know Noel is working on his.
Before we get started, I just want to admit that this was not easy. I picked movies on two different factors: did they scare me and/or did I have fun watching them. I'm sure you'll disagree, but I've got the floor so just sip your latte and sit there captain mocha pants.
#10 - Freddy vs Jason - 2003
Directed by Ronny Yu
I don't want to hear it, ok? I waited my entire adolescence for this film to happen and you know what? It was fucking awesome. Sure the teenage characters where generic and forgettable, but you know they aren't at all why you went to see this movie. Robert Englund is at the top of his Freddy game. The only lamentable point is the lack of Kane Hodder as Jason.
#9 - Dawn of the Dead - 2004
Directed by Zach Snyder
Yeah the remake. Does it stand up to Romero's instrumental classic? Absolutely not, it's not even in the same league. However, when you judge it on it's own merits, it's a fun zombie ride. The cast is great, the action starts nearly right away and the credits sequence is satisfying, to say the least.
#8 - Rammbock: Berlin Undead - 2010
Directed by Marvin Kren
I wrote about it here. It's very Romero inspired and it does it right. While it has a short running time, ever minute is engaged to full effect. The best zombie film of 2010.
#7 - 28 Days Later - 2002
Directed by Danny Boyle
It would have been hard to have this list without this masterpiece, as so many of my favorites are zombie flicks and this is the movie that brought the sub genre back from the dead. That's funny to consider when you realize that there aren't any zombies in 28 Days Later! (the dead do not rise in the movie, do they smart ass?)
#6 - Land of the Dead - 2005
Directed by George Romero
His first entry in the Dead series since 'Day in '85 has a social message more meaningful today, six years later, than it did on release. Here we have the absolutely filthy wealthy, living in secluded luxury, while the rest of the surviving human population all live in slums. They're all surrounded by zombies, but the rich aren't any worse off for it and could care less even though the world outside has ended. And, oh yeah, it's a great zombie movie too.
#5 - [REC] - 2007
Directed by - Jaume Balaguero
[REC] is a first person perspective demon/zombie movie from Spain. Set inside a small, old apartment building that has been sealed off by the government, we see through the eyes of a TV reporter's camera man. It's awesome, it's creepy and it scared the crap out of me. It was remade a year later as Quarantine for American audiences, who where judged too stupid to see a subtitled movie. See the real movie.
#4 - Grindhouse - 2007
Directed by - Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez
So I'm cheating a bit, but I saw this as it was meant to be: as on long experience, replete with cheesy trailers and snipes and clocking in at over 3 hours long. I refused to purchase it on home video, even though I loved every minute of it, until it was available in it's original form, last year. This is fun, this is entertainment, more than anything, this "gets it".
#3 -Paranormal Activity - 2007, released 2009
Directed by - Oren Peli
The Internet is rife with stupid man-babies in an echo chamber who think they are movie critics and all believe that they hate this film, most sight-unseen. I'll admit that it's the least technically proficient film in this list, no question. However, it scared me like no other movie this decade. It's effective, it's frightening and it does exactly what a horror film is supposed to.
#2 - Trick 'r' Treat - 2007
Directed by Michael Dougherty
Shelved for two years, then released direct to DVD, this anthology film channels the delightful macabre of the Tales from the Crypt and Creepshow series'. It revels in dishing out comeuppance and is wicked fun. Its been added to my yearly Halloween watch list as it embodies the spirit of that day more than any other film I can think of. It's a travesty what Warner Brothers did to it's release and it's robbed it from it becoming a yearly sequel release, as the director intended.
#1 - Shaun of the Dead - 2004
Directed by Edgar Wright
Where do I start on the subject of this Rom-Com-Zom? (romantic comedy with zombies). For starters, it lovingly lifts from and homages to all things Romero. It's witty, it's charming, it's hysterically funny. And its full of bloody zombies. I've watched this movie dozens of times and love it every time. It clicks on all wavelength and is, in my opinion, the best horror flick this past decade.
So there you have it, you may disagree but I want to know your list. Reply in the comments so I can check it out.
We're going to try a slightly different format for you on the trailer dump. There will be fewer trailers but I'm going to share some interesting tidbits on each one. Let me know what you think of the format. Without further ado and with no more guilding the lilly.
Scalps - 1983
Written AND Directed by Fred Olen Ray, who also directed the absurd Evil Toons, so you know this will be awesome (and likely full of nudity).
Was released as a double feature on VHS with The Slayer and also on DVD in the early 2000's but it is currently out of print.
This was shot on a ranch that is now owned by Alice Cooper. Perhaps he's a massive Scalps fan?
The director claims that the reason this film makes no sense is because the distributor took his finished product and reedited it, disrupting the continuity and adding overlaid shots of a Native American chanting. Yeah right Fred, the distributor did it.
Savage Streets - 1984
This is a who's who of 80's cult films: John Vernon, Linnea Quigley and Linda Blair!
That killer 80's jam, which is queued by Linda Blair's cleavage, is called "Justice for One". I believe all cleavage should come equipped with an awesome 80's soundtrack. Sadly the soundtrack for this film and that awesome song, where never released.
The special edition DVD, released in 2008, is out of print and currently selling for $100 on Amazon. Arrow releasing just put out a UK only release with a boat load of special features.
The tagline on the poster reads: "They killer her sister and raper her best friend. An eye for an eye." What? Does that mean Linda Blair is supposed to go on a vigilante rape spree?
The Forrest - 1983
Man oh man. Prism home video. Anyone else remember Prism? Anyway, this trailer has my absolutely my absolute favorite thing: a manly, brooding narrator advising on what to bring and what to watch out for. Love it.
The poster has two tag lines. "If you go into the woods today...you might not get out alive" and "Daddy's gone hunting". I suggest you wait until tomorrow to go into the woods.
This was directed by Donald Jones, who went on to direct Project Nightmare in '87 and not much else.
This DID get a recent (2009) DVD release as a double feature with Don't go in the Woods.
Happy hunting. Don't forget your backpack, sleeping bag and knife.
This past Saturday, I had the amazing pleasure of attending eX-Fest, twelve hours devoted to tasting the many flavors of the exploitation genre, thanks to the dudes at Exhumed Films. If you are from the Philadelphia metropolitan area and reading this, you've probably heard of them and likely have been to a show. For the uninitiated, Exhumed Films is a group dedicated to obtaining and screening (mostly) horror films to crowds that love them, that "get it" (mostly), and that keep coming back. They must be doing something right; they've been putting together successful shows since 1997. While they have in the past held mini marathons (I miss you Fulci-Fest) and in the present have gone crazy will full blown 24 hour marathons, these have always been predominantly horror based. eX-Fest aimed to be different, it aimed to explore as many non-horror subsets of the exploration genre in one sitting that any patron could absorb. Before I delve into detailing what unspooled before us that day, I'd like to throw a hearty "thank you" to the Exhumed crew in general and to Harry Guerro specifically for searching for prints of these films and putting this rare bill together. I can't unknown know what you showed me.
Now to the meat of the day. eX-Fest served us a buffet of seven dished, each from a different style. We were given our only clues before the projectors started running, as to what we were about to see. In order, they were: Spaghetti western (that was made in Spain instead of Italy), Italian revenge, "Travolta-sploitation", black-sploitation (by way of the Philippines), Hick-spoitation, Kung-Fu and sexploitation. Some entries where stronger than others, but all of them were damned entertaining. I would be remiss not to mention the excellent vintage trailers between some of the films. As a tribute, I've included some of the trailers for the main features.
Taco-Spaghetti Western - Cut-Throats Nine - 1972 AKA: Bronson's Revenge Fairly standard gruff fare here: a chain gang of gold mine workers being transported by a handful of army guards who are ambushed and killed, all save one. How he and his daughter, along with the convicts, escape the wintery mountains on foot is what makes up the bulk of this films. No real spoiler here: there's a metric shit ton of walking. When the convicts figure out that their binding chain is made of gold, well then things really get interesting. What should be of interest to genre fans is how the killings are handled. Each murder is close up, special effects gory beyond reason, with a knife wound to the gut including close ups of someone trying to hold guts in or bullets to the face forcing a jelly eyeball out. This is not your daddy's western where someone is shot, grabs their gut and simply falls over. While it has a lot going for it, there are some pacing issues and it runs slow in a few places. It was a good choice to lead with this though, as later in the lineup, it may have been to jarring and brought everything to a screeching halt. Cut Throats Nine was released on DVD but appears to be out of print currently. Check out the trailer below.
Italian Revenge Actioner - No Way Out - 1973 AKA: Tony Arzenta: Big Guns The talented Alain Delon stars as Tony Arzenta in this well done entry in the brutal revenge sub genre. He's an assassin for the Italian mafia who has had enough and wants out, in order to give his son a better life. While his boss is sympathetic, it's not as though one can just walk away. So a bomb is planted in Arzenta's car. Unfortunately, his wife and son decide to borrow the family car for a jaunt to Whole Foods and Kaboom! No more better life for little Arzenta Jr. (unless he meant for his son's better life to be as a side of beef). What does a jilted assassin do in just such a situation? Goes a vengeance laden rampage, of course. The scene is thus set for thrilling car chases, slick gunplay and even a wicked surprise knifing. Delon delivers cool guy action and quippy one liners with equal skill and this flick was certainly the best made of the eX-Fest films show. Here's another one that is sadly lacking a home video release. Check out the trailer:
Travolta-sploitation - The Face with Two Left Feet - 1979 AKA: The Lonely Destiny of John Travolto And here we have the mythical movie of the show, the film that, try as one might, you will never be able to clearly explain it to friends. They had to be there. It's an exploitation film only in the sense that it totally exploits the fact that John Travolta was totally popular in Saturday Night Fever. This is the joke around which the entire film revolves. For all ninety minutes. Seriously. Allow me to explain. The Face with Two Left Feet concerns the adventures of a cabal of teens who all work together at a hotel in Italy. After work, they head out to the discoteca, a club named John's Fever(yup), where the shy member of their group, Gianni, has a crush on Ilona, the hottie DJ. The group finds out that their Idol (Travolta) is going to be staying at the hotel and hatch a plan. You see, it just so happens that if given some massive manscaping and a wardrobe change, Gianni is a dead ringer for Travolta (for who. Ilona pines). So much so that I had to ask a friend if I missed his name in the credits and he was lampooning himself. This flick manages to mix equal parts Scooby-Doo, Ski Patrol and Saturday Night Fever into something that shouldn't be good but is so undeniably entertaining that it is a god damned crime that it isn't available to own. Its so rare, in fact, that there's barely any mention of it on the Internet. Here, friends, is proof that I am not insane. Watch this clip on YouTube, even though it's in Spanish, and cackle with glee.
Blackspoitation - Savage! - 1973 AKA: Black Valor Here it is folks, your chance to watch the plight of the African American as understood and told by film makers from the Philippines. While it is a Blackspoitation film, Savage! has less of the outrages tropes of the genre than a lot of it's contemporaries, which I suppose is because it isn't from an American film studio. I felt like this was the least entertaining of the eX-Fest films, but it's not fair to call it a bad film, it isn't. Savage! is a sufficient action piece with an interesting political message, but honestly, that isn't why you're watching. You want to see some jive turkey mother fuckers. And, fear not friends, you sure do. I do want to point out how awesomely righteous the poster is for this flick. Take a good look. James Iglehart as Savage never wears an outfit like that or wields either of those guns. Gotta love exploitation advertising.
Hick-sploitation - Redneck Miller -1977 Oh man Redneck Miller. This is part of a rare genre, seldom seen as far north and east as Philadelphia. It's the tale of a man and his wheels, which he prefers remain unmolested. Something which we can all sympathize with. Unfortunately, someone is seen boosting the heroin drop of local black mafia boss, Super Mack, while riding on Miller's custom motorcycle. On the surface, there might not seem to be a lot going on here, but let's dig a little deeper. You see, Miller is a local country station disc jockey who spends his days shagging the wives of all the local dudes, unfazed by pretty much anything, except having his wheels molested. Super Mack actually has insecurities when it comes to women, a vulnerability that, while hysterical given his outer behavior, is completely unheard of in cinema of the time. And it comes in a southern made hicksploitation film. Ponder that a second. Ok, enough deep shit, the following is actually uttered by Miller to one of his groupies after he drives off Super Mack (who'd threatened to rape her): "Two things baby: I can't out talk a bullet and you've got a lot of lovin' in you, I can only die once."
Kung-Fu - 5 Fingers of Death - 1972 AKA: Iron Palm Oh man was I ever excited when this started to unspool on the screen! I haven't seen 5 Fingers of Death since I was ten. It's one of my favorites for two reasons. The first is the basic premise of two feuding schools of fighters battling it out before a big tournament allows for so much embellishment, so much interesting side action. The second is that I really wanted to be the head butting guy when I was little (what can I say, it was during my head butting phase). The fighting choreography here is excellent and it's not hard to see why this is considered the first big international Kung-Fu film. The excitement builds through many levels and I found myself cheering out loud during several battles; I felt like a little kid again. Of the movies shown at eX-Fest, this was the most well known, easily. While some might begrudge the Exhumed Films crew for choosing it, I say that it's important to balance the schedule evenly and not simply fill it completely with unknowns. The entire film is available to watch on You Tube. For now, to sate your hunger, here is the trailer:
Sexsploitation - The Other Cinderella - 1977 I'd never seen this before but I was glad to end the day on a high note, with something exciting to help keep me up after a long day. Ah puns. Before you write is off as a depraved porno (which it sort of is), you should give me a chance to explain. The Other Cinderella is a soft core, skinemax style 70s porno, sure, but it's so much more. Consider it this way: it's a soft core porno musical comedy. Emphasis on musical comedy. It's like an early Mel Brooks comedy, with musical numbers and copious amounts of nudity. It is seriously a riotous good time. Especially good is Sy Richardson as the flaming thief turned fairy godmother who grants Cinderella (I shit you not), her very own snapping pussy, which the prince must fit, along with the glass slipper, to find his queen. The audience was rolling the whole time as the campy, raunchy jokes came continuously. (bu-dum-ching!)
On top of getting to watch these rare gems of exploitation with a mass of fellow fans, the day also included many awesome genre trailers, posters and t-shirts, prizes and beer! This was a day not to miss. Keep your eye on Exhumed Fims' website or Facebook page for more crazy events, include their next show Go Ape!, which will feature all 5 real Planet of the Apes films.
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