eX-Fest II: The Revenge in Retrospect

I'm awake.
I'm have a knock knock Neo, down the rabbit hole kind of morning, where coffee offers little solace and small gains toward awakening. I've survived eX-Fest II but not without first having my brain scooped out to marinate in a jar of the tastiest cast off juices that 70's revenge celluloid has to offer. Being the flavor of the day, vengeance belonged to whomever had the biggest balls and baddest ass, regardless of gender. Let's talk a walk , you and I, down my sequence of yesterday's events while I regale you with what whimsies struck me and wreak vengance upon the lesser members of the accompanying audience.

The No Mercy Man

• 1973. AKA: Fire in the Wind, Trained to Kill, Vietnam Soldier.
• Genre fave Sig Haig looks really good and is absolute slimy bad ass here as Pill Box, the leader of a biker gang.
• Society's condemnation of interracial relationships among carney folk leads to breaking and enter, theft, murder and a bad ass biker on soldier gun battle sequence.
• Hardened Vietnam veterans of the highest training often high five in 80's action broseph style after RPG'ing a truck rather than taking cover to avoid submachinegun ventilation.
• If your son comes back as a highly decorated veteran with PDST, the best way to help him is smug disregard, urging him to fist fight you and making him live in the shed. No harm can come of this.
• All it takes to snap a commando out of PDST is the brutal beating into unconsciousness of his father. And the near crucifixion of his mother. And the rape of his sister. Oh, and the rape of his other sister. Make it that far and it's game on for the no mercy man.

Fear is the Key

• 1973.
• Barry Newman, John Vernon and Ben Kingsley - Oh my!
• This film is absolutely boss bad ass for the first thirty minutes while Barry Newman is beating up cops, escaping from court, enjoying hard liquor on Sundays and leading Lousiana state police on a really fucking sweet 20 minute car chase.
• After that half an hour, it takes a shovel to the noggin and begins to believe that it's a second rate James Bond flick.
• I never wanted a 1972 Ford Gran Torino before the first third of this film. If I'm not mistaken, Lousiana state police have an excellent car budget; affording a good number of Pontiac GTO's to wreck at will.

The Man From Hong Kong

• 1975. AKA- The Dragon Flies (get it? With the hang gliding and- nevermind)
• An honest to goodness Ozsploitation Kung-Fu film. Kick arse!
• Relations between Austria and China were not comfortable in 1975. Inspector Fang Sing Leng looks to change all that. With his dick. One Aussie babe at a time. He's a dick-lomat.
• George Lazenby should have played Ron Burgondy by way of Tom Selleck's mustache.
• Hugh Keays-Byrne plays the aptly named police detective Grosse. You might remember him as Toe Cutter, the main antagonist from the first Mad Max film. Lucky for him his role as a police detective didn't require a more conservative haircut, just a slightly smaller dangly earring.
• Watching fat guys in spandex shirts run up Australlian mountain sides should be a god damned Olympic sport.
• I never want to watch hang gliding again. Ever.

Death Weekend

• 1976. AKA- The House by the Lake
• Under the oily thin vaneer of a rape and revenge romp lies the true heart of this film: it's really Yuppiesploitation. I hated Doctor Black the perverted peeping tom womanizer; the elitist consumerist; the purchasing power braggot; on the same level that I hated the gang of alcoholic murderous thugs (bravo film makers!)
• If wanting to add brevity to any diabolical life or death situation, just show quick cuts of the hated dead yuppie's shutgunned face as it ackwardly gets in the way whilst our heroine attempts her mad dash escape.
• Helplessly alcoholic gas station attendants are hysterical. This is especially true when their crippling addiction prevents them from coming to the rescue even when they realize something is amiss through their inebriated haze.
• There was audience appluse during the revenge killings of three of the four gang members. Incredibly strangly the most elaborate comeuppance, involving a boat house, gasoline, a flare and a well hidden valkyrie of vengance, received little fan fare.

Wipeout!

• 1973. AKA- The Boss
• I fucking love Henry Silva! He only has one facial expression, but it's a classic: Wax museum Chevy Chase. He pimps the hell out of that look, no matter the circumstance. Killing dudes with a grenade launcher? Wax Chevy Chase. Banging a girl he loathes? Wax Chevy Chase. Taking a phone call? Wax Chevy Chase but with raised eyebrows! Genius.
• The theme in this film is a hard rockin' bit of guitar and vinegar piss. I felt 13% more awesome everytime it kicked in. (if you know where I can acquire a copy of it, please contact me)
• Nick Lanzetta hates skin flicks.
• Main heavy and over all dick Cocchi heavily resembles Bruce Campbell during the second half of The Man With the Screaming Brain (which was also screened by Exhumed Films).

Vice Squad

• 1982.
• A more fitting title would have been "Inept Police Squad". Seriously: a pimp named Ramrod in a bright blue satin cowboy shirt and on the run from the law manages to be a more effective dectective then all the members of Vice Squad combined.
• I might have mistook this for the early 90's. The only excuses I can bring to bear are exhustion and failing memory.
• The Johns manage to be a slimy collection of harsh truth ground into the patina of the Hollywood prostitute lifestyle (glamorous as it must certainly be).
• If a chauffer hires you on behalf of his master and goes to elaborate pains for the fantasy's illusion, bitch don't you that ruin shit by talking when you see the old man in the pine box waiting to bang you. You're a Hollywood hoe, how much stranger can this possibly be over your normal day to day?
• I really wanted the main cop as protrayed by Emilio Estavez, especially after his star rose at the last Exhumed Films marathon event: the annual 24 hour Horrorthon.

Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS

• 1975.
• While seriously jazzed as the preemptive red backed warning made it's how-do-you-do on screen, as the film proceeded my jubilation escaped me. The situation is simply to close to reality to be entertaining overall. The sequels are much more campy and fun. I'm missing the point though, as exploitation is not always supposed to be fun, infact it rarely can be considered as such.
• This is a nessisary experience on the exploitation spectrum (which is like a much slezier autism spectrum) and anyone who left early is now substantively less whole then they otherwise could have been.

And so the second eX-Fest drew to a close. Overall I would have to say that I had more fun with last year's selections. This is not to say that I didn't enjoy what I witnessed yesterday as it was much more in line with what I'd expect from an exploitation festival. It was sleazier and the price of admission included a small part of what remains of your soul. I'd prefer a healthy mix of the exaggerated sleaze and the over the top fun, but I would by no means complain about the film selections. They were all excellent and they all fit into a day of vengenace laden fun. Yet another bill of entertainment from the fine fellows over at Exhumed Films.

Before I close the book on twelve plus hours of my life, I would be remiss in avoiding some ugly truths.

To the rectal pieces of human refuse who decided that your need to know the time, the hockey score, what your friends were up to or that anything else on your cell phone out weighed everyone else's right to not be sucked out of their movie going experience need to step into traffic. You're incosiderate to the extreme, likely irredeemably so and I respectfully request that you spend your time doing something other than burdoning the planet's population with your continued existance.

To those sitting in the middle section, most notably near the top, it is your responsibility when moving to and fro not to obstruct the projector's radiant beams. If that means you have to bend further forward while moving, by all means do so. I understand that as a sweaty neckbeard film nerd, this might classify as exertion beyond your normal means but by all means attempt to exert anyway. I can literally see you getting fatter as you obstruct the reason why everyone is tolerating being in your presence in the first place.

To the back row, center section folks (most of whom are guilty of the previous two cinematic war crimes) your taste in alcoholic beverages is fucking abismal. Everyone gets one go on this rotating rock around the sun and you're wasting yours drinking fucking Four Loko? I know that you don't know how to properly select what to pour into your mouth hole because despite numerous requests that you not do so from the fine folks of Exhumed Films, you entitled pricks left a bevy of garbage in your wake.

Which brings me to my last point: Hey you entitled nerdbodies who left your trash behind, go fuck yourselves. These guys put on a great show of rare goods to entertain you yet despite that you can't pick up your soda bottle as you exit? Your massive corinary can't arrive soon enough to remove you from our presences.

eX-Fest II: Chatting with Jesse Nelson

There's an incompletion located somewhere within you. A sacrosanct sector which hasn't gotten sufficient nutritional intake. It's not your fault that the past decades haven't been kind to your ability to take in exploitation cinema with a raucous audience full of the deviant that you hide inside. Exhumed Films has your ticket though, hosting an annual exploitation marathon dubbed eX-Fest, which boasts a smorgasbord of flavors. With eX-Fest II just six days away, I asked Jesse Nelson (member of Exhumed Films and co-proprietor of Diabolik DVD) a bunch of questions which I've wanted to know the answers to.

Q: How did you get involved with Exhumed Films in the first place?

We met the guys that run GRINDHOUSE RELEASING while at Fantasia in
Montreal and decided that it would be fun to rent a few movies from
them, find a local theatre and have a halloween double feature. We
all threw in some money and resigned ourselves to the fact we might
lose it, but at least we would have a good time watching the movies.
To our surprise, people showed up and we decided to put the profits
back into a collective pool and start planning more shows. Back then
it was mostly word of mouth and handing out flyers - the internet was
a very small portion of what it is now.

Q: Since you guys primarily run horror, where did eX-Fest come from?

After the success of the 24hr fest, we decided we needed another big
show midway between the horror-thons, so we came up with a theme of 12
hours and movies we normally wouldn't show at the 24hr fest. Mainly
we wanted to watch a bunch of sleazy, non-horror movies with an
audience and we figured an "event" would bring people in and luckily
it did.

Q: What's been you absolute favorite show that Exhumed has run?

Easily Bruce Campbell at the Harwan. He was in town for a
Hercules/Xena convention and we managed to get ahold of him for a
screening of Evil Dead 2 at Midnight. He not only introduced the
movie, but did a Q&A and refused to leave until he signed something
for everyone. I think we managed to wrap it up around 5am. PLUS, he
gave us a low ball figure for the night and refused to take a penny
more. Very classy, funny and all around the most pleasant celebrity
experience despite the late night and that the AC had broken earlier
that day.


Q: How about favorite film? (that Exhumed has screened)

I love so many of the films we show, its hard to pick one out. Its
fun to show oddball things like PIECES and FAREWELL UNCLE TOM with a
crowd, but I think that THE THING is the film that I never tire of
watching with an audience.

Q: What's the film you'd most like to show but can not? (why not?)
Collectively it was DAWN OF THE DEAD, but we finally worked out that
rights issue last year. Aside from that there are some other things
that we have never been able to track down for one reason or another
such as HALLOWEEN 3 for example, but the thing I have wanted to show
from the beginning is Fulci's CONQUEST which doesn't seem to exist on
film any longer in any format.

Q: I've really enjoyed the smaller venue'd, 16mm shows at the Audubon
auction house from this past year. Where did that idea come from? (and
will there be more of them?)

The Auction house has a pretty tight weekend schedule, which is great
for them, but not great for us trying to schedule shows. We will have
more in the coming year for sure though. They actually contacted us
and wanted us to have a pop up theatre in there. They already had the
PA and the screen so all we had to do was provide the films and the
projectors - which is the great thing about 16mm.


Q: Since 1997, you guys have been housed in a number of
venues. Which do you feel was the coolest, which has the best vibe for
exhumed and which do you miss the most?

The Harwan was my favorite... It was a total dump and provided the
best vibe. You could smoke in the upstairs lounge!!! But the Hoyts
in Pennsauken was the best for us business wise. They didn't care
what we did, what we showed and how long we were there. It wasn't the
best vibe, but it had the best projection, sound and those amazing
seats! It would be great to have the 24hr fest there. To this day I
don't think the manager told corporate what he was doing and put that
money in his pocket for the rental - but that was fine by us.


Q: Who decided to end last year's eX-Fest with The Other Cinderella.
(fucking spectacular, btw)

I wanted to end this year's with a full on hardcore movie, but the
other guys were against it and I guess I was to some extent as well,
but damn it would have been fun! Harry is the exploitation guru in
the group and I don't even argue with the films he comes up with. If
he wants to show it, I want to see it!


Q: What's the most rewarding part of Exhumed for you?

Aside from the movies, which do become a bit tedious from time to time
(Evil Dead 2 again???) I really love meeting everyone and chatting
about movies and hearing the responses - which aren't always positive.
I feel like we have created a great horror community with Exhumed and
DiabolikDVD in the Philadelphia area and I love being involved with
that.

I'd like to thank Jesse for taking the time to answer my questions (and for always taking all my dollars at at the Diabolik DVD table each show!).

Check out my recap of last year's eX-Fest and then snag your tickets for this Sunday's event right here (precious few remain as of this writing). Then prepare yourself for twelve hours of mysterious mind blowing fare from all across the exploitation venue. If you waffle now, you'll be cursing yourself while you read my recap of the awesome flicks on display.

 

Looking Back at a Year of Repertory Hosting '11 (part 2)

And so here we find ourselves, staring down the barrel of 2012 with both hammers cocked and a twitchy inebriant manning the trigger which brings about a new year. Sincerely it's my hope that you look back at the year that was with delightful fondness but I understand if you need a little reminder about why you should appreciate the machinations of 2011. Before we delve into the second half of the year in horror, cult and scifi at The Colonial Theater, if you missed part one, check it out here and get up to speed.

Picking up were we left off, July is always an exciting month at The Colonial. In addition to the monthly First Friday Fright Night (FFFN) and Colonial Cult Cinema (CCC) shows, Blobfest is always held during the second weekend of the month this year's was one for the ages. It was also a sad time, a partings of ways. Bob Trate, creator and longtime host of FFFN, relocated to the greener pastures of Los Angeles but not before hosting one last film, the classicist of films: The Planet of the Apes.

With the departure of Mr.Trate, a gap was left to be filled. Joel Rickenback, host of eminent podcast You've Got Geek and local horror cinephile extraordinaire Nick Lombardo joined me (I'd been hosting the MST3K shows to this point) to continue to bring you a steady diet of the weird and wonderful. We also took this opportunity to refocus FFFN into a horror specific endeavor, spinning off cult, scifi, action and peculiar films into a new series dubbed Colonial Cult Cinema, which would kick off in August. We also made the conscious decision to only bring you films in 35mm print, the way they're meant to be seen (accept in the case of MST3K, which as a TV show was never actually committed to film and obviously baring print shipping issues). 

With all that having been said, let's bring you fully up to speed on 2011.

July

The Planet of the Apes - If it's possible to point out a film that holds up better than this one, I haven't come across it. This highly influential cultural touchstone is a phenomenal adventure which got even more love at the end of the month from the Exhumed Films crew, who ran the entire original Apes saga on the last day of the month. Happily, I attended both screenings.

MST3K episode #509 - The Girl in Lovers' Lane - This underrated episode marks the one year anniversary of our MST3K shows. Another invention exchange took place, this time more Gizmonic hopefuls strutted their homespun inventions. The winner? Charcoal boxer shorts which you never need change. Eeewww.

August
The Fog - No, not the remake. What's your boggle? John Carpenter's original masterpiece, which instilled in me the lifelong desire to live in a retrofitted lighthouse (I still want to). An all star cast, a perfectly crafted atmosphere, superb special effects and a master of film making at the top of his game, The Fog is a personal favorite of mine.

Jaws - Our most popular screening from 2010 makes a triumphant return to help kick off our Colonial Cult Cinema series and, just as before, it rocked the house. Side note: I love the voice over gentleman on this trailer. Love it.

September
Pieces - Despite the tag line in the trailer, Pieces really isn't exactly what you think that it is as depicted there. It's wacky, it's absurd, hell it's madcap. More than what it is, this film is an appetizer of that which we plan to bring you more of: slightly off the beaten track and more rarely screened in 35mm.

MST3K episode #1011 - The Horrors of Spider Island - Mike and the 'bots shred this former German nudie flick, which had all the naughty bits stripped out and a bad English dub track added before it was released into the American market. While this isn't as well remembered of an episode as some of the more popular ones, it is a personal favorite of mine and the riffing is super tight.

October
An American Werewolf in London - John Landis' monster man classic is a fantastic blend of humor and horror and contains the absolute coolest transformation ever captured, indeed it was revolutionary at the time. It was a sad night for the Phillies, who were knocked out of the playoffs while the film was unspooling. It's a good thing we had Landis to keep our mind off it. 

Friday the 13th - originally, this night was supposed to hold a screening of Walter Hill's amazing gang actioner, The Warriors, but the print for it was accidentally shipped to the wrong theater. Luckily, local print collector (and 1/4 of Exhumed Films) Harry Guerrero stepped in and with an rarely screened, pristine 35mm print of the UK cut of Friday the 13th. (we rescheduled The Warriors once the print was again available in November)
November
Nightbreed - One of our more unusual selections was undoubtably Clive Barker's seldom run Nightbreed. Why did we run it? Because you needed to see it. Because David Cronenberg plays an incredibly creepy and intelligent serial killer. Just because. Hopefully you didn't miss it. 

The Warriors - Ah! The harrowing tale of a group of hardcore soldiers, trapped miles behind enemy lines, forced to bop their way all the way back home. The Warriors is a venerated cult classic, with a passionate following. Many attended in costume. Awesome!

MST3K episode #424 - Manos: The Hands of Fate - This is the seminal episode, one of the most popular and most peculiar. The Satellite of Love crews' take has granted Manos it's own cult following which has led to a sequel, a hand puppet play (Manos: The Hands of Felt) and, most recently, a film restoration project. Not at all shabby for a film made by a fertilizer salesman on a bet.December
Silent Night, Deadly Night - The film that taught us not to be naughty, lest Santa punish us. Or maybe the lesson was that wicked nuns breed psycho serial killers. Perhaps the best lesson is to never steal a kid's sled in the middle of the night or you'll loose your head. Santa Nick welcomed the Yule tide revellers to the Colonial in true Christmas fashion and good times were had by all! (and to all a good night!)

Die Hard - If I had to choose a favorite Christmas film, this would undoubtably be it. It clicks on so many levels, I honestly can't think of one thing I'd change. Sadly, there was a print shipping error and we didn't find out until just the day before the show that we wouldn't have one (in fact the only one) in time for the show. And while we always want to show you a 35mm print, that simply wasn't possible. Rather than cancel the show, we projected it via Blu-ray and a packed house enjoyed Christmas Bruce Willis style.

It's been a crazy and exciting year for Horror, cult and Scifi film buffs this year and we're absolutely prepared to kick butt and take names in twenty-twelve. Here's what we've got on tap for you (this is just what I can share with you so far!)

First Friday Fright Night

Friday the 13th part VII - January 13th

My Bloody Valentine - February 3rd

Night of the Creeps - March 2nd

Colonial Cult Cinema

The Big Lebowski - January 20th

MST3K: Time Chasers - February 17th

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - March 16th

MST3K: Mitchell - April 20th

The Room - May 18th

See you at the movies!

2011 Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horrorthon

Wow, let me just take a moment here before beginning. It's refreshing to not start an article with the "31 Days of Halloween" preface. You should understand that it isn't that I didn't enjoy writing that series, it's simply that it IS an endurance run. I capped off my month long celebration of all things Halloween by attending the annual Exhumed Films 24 Hour Horrorthon. This is the fifth incarnation of the 'Thon, of which I've attended all but one (I missed the 3rd year, in 2009). As a long time Exhumed Films goer, I look forward to this event all year long. (the first show I attended was the All Night Italian horrorfest at the now defunct Hoyt's on October 20th, 2000)

The truth is that the Exhumed crew always puts on an elaborate production, from the pre-show announcements and prizes, to wallet emptying horror merchandise enticement and general feel of hanging out with friends. It's a marvelous atmosphere to feel included in. I can't make every show, but I try my hardest- even when it might not features films which I necessarily love or am intimately familiar with- because it's not 100% about what you're seeing but also how you're seeing it and whom you're seeing it with.

Before I showcase the shock and awe blasted into my brain from this weekend's Horrorthon (and with which I am still working to congeal into something more linear), I'd like to discuss that last point in a little more detail. Normally, all Horrothon films are kept an absolute secret right up until the moment that they unspool on screen before hungry eyes. This year there was a break from tradition. Exhumed Films announced that the Philadelphia premier of the new, shot in Africa, zombie film The Dead would take place during their largest event of the year. During the preshow announcements, we were informed that the distributor of the film decided not to even strike ANY 35mm prints, deciding instead to go with digital distribution only. Understandably, this was met with some displeasure amongst the crowd, as to this point, Exhumed Films has only showcased film itself.

This bitter pill put some audience members in such a tizzy that fully half the audience opted to take a longer dinner break rather than sully their film print purism with the possible taint of digital projection. Guys, I get it, you disdain digital and are hardcore print-o-files. There wasn't a print-isn't a print-might never actually be a print of The Dead. You missed a really great zombie flick in the vein of early Romero with some great visuals and even better tension. Name the last zombie film with slow walkers that contained effective, slow building scares.

Now that we're through that, if you're still with me and haven't skipped right to the comments section to explain exactly why you thought dinner at Chili's was more important than a new independent zombie film's Philadelphia premier, let's take a look at exactly what we brave few had seared into our souls. It's important to note that this year's line up consisted only of films that Exhumed has never shown before (with one technical exception). This is a monumental achievement as leading up to this, they've showcased somewhere in the neighborhood of 260 films.

And I know young people today are the visual sort, so accompanying my thoughts on each film is the trailer for it. (mostly because I love trailers so much)

1. Psychomania aka The Death Wheelers - 1973
The psychedelic chic of this odd undead tale was a fantastic way to open the horrorthon's proceedings. With a strange and potent mix of biker road film, satanic pacts, zombies who are no worse for the wear and Bond'esk British styling, Psychomania put us into a hypnotic trance- opening our brain pans, offering space to what we were about to receive.

2. Rodan - 1956
Historically the horrorthon has featured a giant monster movie in the second slot. Nearly any film would face the Sisyphean task of rolling a boulder up the hill that is The Mighty Peking Man (showcased to the delight of all at last year's horrorthon). Rodan radiates 50's giant monster gratification thoughout and is replete with excellent miniature effects - the true star of the film. Slavish devotion was poured into these effects, with stand outs including the ground collapse (in the trailer below) sequence and the volcano sequence. This was an instant time portal to the Saturday afternoons of my youth, which is exactly the time which it played.

3. Frightmare aka The Horror Star - 1983
Frightmare takes the tropes of the Hammer horror subgenre and casts a delightful dance of darkness on it's bones. The resulting floor show is a cornucopia of campy entrapment designed to shake us loose from our comfort food of decades past and casts it in a newer menacing light.

4. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer - 1986
Armed with plenty more snacks still at your disposal, you're cruising through Horrothon five without a care in the world. You're high on life, for truly the greatness of all creation can be extrapolated through the medium of film and many are unspooling before your very eyes. And then...yes and then a random, senseless act of remorseless violence is cast unflinchingly across the silver screen. It locks your attention and brings you back to full focus, crashing repeatedly into your sensibilities like a sledge hammer. Maybe you chuckle during the home invasion scene, but it's an unconscious defense mechanism rather than amusement. That's Henry. Here's his trailer.

5. The Dead - 2010
As an enormous zombie fan, I've done the genre six ways from Sunday by this point. Still, gems such as this one have the ability to surprise and delight. The amazing visuals of the wilds of African mid day juxtaposed with ever present encroaching zombie horde creates a deadly beauty. The gun kills can only be described as kinetic in nature, likely a way to cope with budgetary constraints but perhaps a design choice. The Dead is smartly written enough not to have to rely on characters making stupid mistakes to be over come, which is an amazing consideration given the field of zombie material out there. This independent film is rough around the edges but there is so much to like in the bubbling cauldron that even those with a limited interest in the rotting reanimated subgenre book a vacation to Africa.

6. Trick or Treat - 1986
How does one conceptualize this film, when it contains neither tricking nor treating? It's soul has no real basis in Samahin. Instead this is rock metal voyage helmed by copious amounts of denim and Aqua Net, dragging behind its chains and wielding it's devil horns as a warning to all at map's edge: there be entertainment here. Skewing anti-metal culture and metal culture simultaneously, Trick or Treat spins the plates effortlessly and was perfectly placed to kick the tempo back up after the viciousness of Henry and the stark hopelessness of The Dead.

7. Night Warning aka Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker - 1983
I'm just going to refer to this as Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker since that is by far the superior title. What could you want in a film that this does not have? Crazy lumber beheading car crash? Check. Insane incestuous aunt face licking action? Check. Homophobic cop who invents fictitious gay love triangles on to which he can vent his hatred? Check. Pickled head in a jar? Check. My interest piqued? Check.

8. Frankenhooker - 1990
What would be your course of action if an invention of yours (radio controlled lawn mower) mulched your chubby, pretzel hungry finance into a pile of chipped beef and a head? If the film in which you star is titled Frankenhooker the obvious progression is to feed New York hookers super crack causing them to explode into a rain of diseased limbs from which you constitute a new body for your beloved. Clearly. This fantastic freakshow shares it's sense of humor with the revered Dead Alive and has more tits than you can shake your prick at.

9. Dr.Black and Mr.Hyde aka Decision for Doom - 1976
Stan Winston's transformation effects for the yin-yang flip-flop from black doctor to white murderer are nothing short of astounding. It's astounding that they honestly thought that heavily coating a black man in talcum powder and inserting contacts in his eyes would magically make him appear Caucasian. This trip through blaxploitation land is about par for the course and a welcome part of the horrorthon.

10. Legend of the Wolf Woman aka Naked Werewolf Woman - 1976
Can several erotic flashback sequences bulging with buxom nudity carry a film? They can if the film you're thinking of is Legend of the Wolf Woman, whose lead actress is compelling to look at, which is paramount, since she'll do just about anything to strip down and take fun sized bites out of dudes, almost at random. It's a confusing ride, which never delivers with an actual werewolf, except in the past- where she comes equipped with hairy big toe sized nipples. At this stage in the game, anything to get the blood flowing again is welcome, even if it's bundled with the strings of chest hair attached.

11. Blood Diner - 1987 (released 1990)
This mad cap, silly story of two brothers dedicated to reincarnating the heinous goddess Sheetar with the guidance of their disembodied uncle, who's just a brain and eyes in viscous goop yet retains the power of speech, is oft overlooked for it's silly nature. Truly you would be wasting you time trying to rationalize the finer points of Blood Diner, just trap in and enjoy the blood feast.

12. The Burning - 1981
Did you know Jason Alexander once had a full head of luscious hair? It's true; he wasn't born bald and he played the cool guy. There's lots to love in this fantastic slasher and it was excellently placed to bring back the focus of those attendees who'd gone all sleepy eyed and weak necked. This is arguably Tom Savini's best work and Cropsey is still believably hideous to look upon. I always loved the twist on the well established "last girl" trope becoming "last boy".

13. Maximum Overdrive - 1986
Trust me when I tell you: Once you've been awake for 30 plus hours, you start to see things at the edge of your vision. Things which aren't quite there and on which you can't quite focus. Dodging and leaping from sight the instant you glance at them, you know they're there. Those bastards. If you didn't doze, you're reaching a critical point and pretty much no act of god is going to help you in your quest to remain in the land of the conscious. Nothing that is, but a heaping dose of Emilio Estevez. He's like entertainment crack for your sleep deprived brainstem. Sprinkle him on your spleen. Is Maximum Overdrive a good film? Who cares? It's a shit load of fun.



14. Meet the Feebles - 1989
Power to stay awake fading...Braindrive overload...[Rebooting]...defrag complete. Loading [film recognition software]...reading input "Wingnut films"...processing...
Wait, Wingnut. Isn't that Peter Jackson? Yeah it is. Is this Bad Taste? No, they showed that already. What about Dead/Alive? No, was shown as part of a double feature with Bad Taste. So what could thi...OH MY GOD IT'S MEET THE FEEBLES!

My apologies. I couldn't help but relay exactly what went through my head at roughly 10:30am as the last film of the marathon began to hit my retinas. The way my brain went about working with low cognitive power is a recollection I won't soon forget. What a great, upbeat way to conclude the festivities. If you call muppets on drugs, fucking like bunnies (and in some cases actually fucking bunnies), singing about sodomy and killing each other upbeat. This is a film I never believed I'd see on film. Thank you Exhumed Films.



A few observances:
-This seemed to be the most consistent line up of any Horrorthon- there were no super highs but conversely there were no staggering lows in the film selection either, rather they were all good/great throughout.

-The Cafe in the lobby of the IHouse continues to rule. Biz makes sandwiches that must be some modern day, watered down form of elvish magic, but with meat in them.

-Some of you seriously aren't taking your hygiene concerns seriously. I shouldn't catch a wiff of you strong enough to nearly take me from my feet just from walking by on a trip to the bathroom. Perhaps you're adjusted to the odoriferousness. We aren't, be kind to our noses.

-I'd love to see 7 Exhumed Films 'Greatest hits' and 7 films which have never been shown before. Though I shouldn't say anything since I've loved every line up so far. So I'll just say this: Give me more of whatever you want, EF. You haven't steered me wrong yet.

The Trailer Dump, Issue No. 9

Friday night I attended a rare 16mm double feature of StarCrash and Yor: The Hunter from the Future. It was a fantastic night of cheese, thanks to Exhumed Films. And so, along with Yor this week's Trailer Dump includes some choice fantasy cuts. Enjoy.

Yor: The Hunter from the Future

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom

Dungeonmaster

Youtube is full of wonderfully cheesy, low budget fantasy. See what you can come up with and I'll see you next time.

Halloween Season is Almost Upon us.

Halloween has been my favorite holiday and season for as long as I can remember. I'm sure most of you dear readers are of a similar persuasion, after all it's the time of year where our kind of movies shine. Everything ghoulish and monstrous is in the spotlight, at least for a week. When I was a kid that week seemed like an entire month but now that I'm older and working, it whips on by like a Jason Voorhees machete and is clean through the other side before I get to enjoy the kill the season.

And so it's with the spirit of Halloween looming that I'd like to spend a few minutes recounting some of my favorite traditions.

Pumpkin Carving

Warding off wayward spirits is all well and good, but what if you want to do it with some style and you're hungry? Jack 'o lanterns are a tradition which originated in the British Isles, where they carved turnips and other similar sized vegetables, in which they placed a burning ember. When these folk settled in America, they adapted this ritual to the indigenous pumpkin.

Pumpkin carving has become far more intricate over the last decade but, for my part, the act is a deeply personal one. I do a quick, rough sketch of a frightening face and then carve by hand. This produces varying levels of quality, but I think it's more the character of the pumpkin asserting itself to protect my house from the evils of the night.

And of course, there are many things to make from the sacrificial pumpkin's hallowed innards: baked pumpkin seeds, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, pumpkin beer. Don't let it go to waste.

Treating the Trickers

Sure, some of them don't care, so long as they get free candy, but I enjoy adding a little something extra, of the non-razor blade variety. When I was just a child there was an old gentleman on my block who spent the year making wooden toys for all of the children; horses, cars, soldiers and the like. I'm not so handy. However I do love my horror flicks. So I project horror films into my front bay window. As you can imagine my choices are limited to older movies, so that parents don't call the cops on me for exposing little Susie to Saw.

Therein lies the fun: any trick or treated who correctly identifies the movie gets extra candy. Last year, none of them recognized Vincent Price in The House on Haunted Hill but a bunch of them got the second feature Tremors.

The Exhumed Films 24-Hour Horrorthon

Now entering it's fifth year, the Horrorthon is the ultimate showcase of classics, trailers, sequels and monsters. It's an endurance test, a tradition and an unparalleled experience all rolled into one. I don't believe that I could adequately explain what's going on in my head at 4am, having been watching films already for sixteen hours, and have something like Boarding House unspool before me. Perhaps it's something between sorrow and joy, closer to elation but mixed with confusion.

Taking place the weekend of Halloween, the Exhumed Films Horrorthon has become a must attend event for horror fans from many states, which quickly sells out months ahead of time. I snagged my tickets in July.

Starting on October 1st and running right up until the best day of the year, Halloween, The Midnight Cheese will post suggested films, videos, books, games and activities every day to help you enjoy your season.

How I Spent My Sunday Going Ape

Can you guess the two best things about living in and around Philadelphia (aside from Cheesesteaks, Rocky, Water Ice, M.Night Shyamalan, a Rich Baseball tradition, Ben Franklin and a little thing like founding our country) ?

Firstly, Philadelphia and it's surrounding areas are a modern day cradle of craft beer, with artisan brewers such as Victory, Sly Fox, Yards, Nodding Head, Triumph, Dogfish Head and more within striking distance and all available in most local watering holes worth dropping your dime in.

The second gets to the heart of my Sunday. Philadelphia has it going on if your goings on happen to include horror and cult film screenings. Exhumed Films has been putting on awesome horror screenings at local theaters for the past fourteen years. Their shows have run the gamut from cannibals, to zombies, to slashers and ghouls. They've shown over 250 different films to date. Additionally, the Colonial Theatre, a 100+ year old gem famous for it's role in the 1958 Steve McQueen monster flick The Blob, has a monthly late night horror series dubbed First Friday Fright Night and has recent begun an additional series dedicated to cult, sci-fi and kung-Fu called Colonial Cult Cinema. As you can see, horror nerds are really never wanting for screenings to attend in and around the town.

It was a special program from the dudes at Exhumed Films that brought me to the International House on UPenn's campus this last day of July, to see all five original Planet of the Apes films in one go. Exhumed Films wanted us to Go Ape! Now, I remember being a kid and catching these five films on television all the time in the 80's, but I was too young to have attended any of the Fox Go Ape! shows in a theater. This was clearly a very personal show for Dan Fraga of Exhumed, who spoke very passionately about his Ape experiences as a child, so it was cool to see that he brought his young son, to pass on the Ape Law.

The films themselves I hadn't seen in quite a long time, with the exception of the first, Planet of the Apes, since the Colonial Theatre also ran a showing this month for First Friday Fright Night. Why all the showings? Well, a Fox imposed moratorium goes into effect today and lasts well into the foreseeable future with the impending theatrical (and then home video) release of Rise of the Planet of the Apes. So let's discuss the films themselves.

Planet of the Apes was a seminal film on release and became the beginning of an enormous marketing behemoth. It has been selected for preservation by the library of congress as historically or culturally significant. more than that, it's an excellent film, bringing to life a topsy-turvy world where ape is the dominant species and man is a dumb animal who can't talk. Charlton Heston stars as astronaut commander Taylor. He leads a crew of four on a long range deep space mission, which is accidentally thrown two thousand years into the future and crash lands on an alien planet, all while the crew is in cryogenic slumber. After the rest of the crew perishes in the ensuing adventures, Taylor is captured and brought to the ape city. It isn't long before it's discovered he can speak and a ideological struggle emerges between the intelligent chimpanzees who want to expand knowledge and the stubborn leader orangoutangs who won't allow any discovery which disagrees with the teachings passed down by the law giver, centuries before. The iconic ending, impactful, even forty years later, still gives me goosebumps and segues directly into the next film.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes begins right where it's predecessor leaves off, where Nova loses Taylor in an illusionary wall and we are introduced to a new astronaut, Brent, who is the last of a crashed rescue party sent to find the first crew but sadly caught in the same time distortion. Interestingly, the reason for adding a new lead character is because Heston did not was to do another Apes film but the studio wouldn't green light another without him. So he agreed to a small part at the beginning and end of the film only. Beneath deals with a war between the aggressive gorilla faction of the Ape society and the hidden remnant of intelligent humans who have taken refuge among the underground ruins of New York City. Ah but these humans are hideous mutants who possess mind control powers and worship a prewar doomsday bomb. As the film ends, Taylor detonates it, destroying the whole Earth. Brent's death seemed like a side note, which didn't seem fair since we spend the majority of the film with him, only to have him brushed aside and unceremoniously killed to make way for more Heston.

Escape from the Planet of the Apes takes up the story from there. But how can that be? I said the Earth was destroyed. Ah, it was, in the year 3955. Doctors Zira and Cornelius recovered Taylor's spaceship along with the help of another scientist ape and where able to escape just as Earth's life was ended. They were thrown backward through the same time vortex that brought the humans forward in time and arrive in our 1971. For most of this film, it's very much the Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home of the series, with very light hearted humor abound as the apes become the popular talk of the world. Well enough just can't be left alone(and this IS an Apes film) however, and a scummy government agent does everything he can to have the friendly chimpanzees and Zira's pregnancy eliminated. Some friendly help from circus owner Ricardo Montelban Armando allows their baby to secret survive the dreadfully out of place tragedy ending, thus setting up our next flick.

Ah Conquest of the Planet of the Apes! Where humans really show just how despicable we are as a species. It's now the distant utopian future of far off 1991, twenty years after the death of his parents, young Caesar, played by Roddy MacDowell who played his father Cornelius in all the other films save Beneath, is still being sheltered by Armando while all other apes have been made into abused slaves by human kind. After Armando sacrifices himself to cover up a public outburst by Caesar, the only ape who can speak sets about organizing his fellows toward bloody revolt. This climactic struggle continues in our last legitimate apes outing. It is interesting to see the roots of humans and apes coexisting with the relationship between Caesar and MacDonald, which continues in the next film.

Finally we finish this tale with Battle for the Planet of the Apes. Taking place decades after the revolt of the last film, the world has ended in a nuclear apocalypse. Caesar is still the leader of the apes, in their own city, but the leader of the war mongering gorillas is planning a coup. Meanwhile, irradiated humans find out about the ape city and launch an attack. There is quite a bit of post-apocalyptic killing, but in the end, Caesar uses his knowledge of the future not to make apes dominant, but to allow man and ape to coexist. We're left with a scene 600 years in the future, where they still do so.

I can't forget that in-between Escape and Conquest, we got a chance to watch two episodes of the Hannah-Barbara produced cash-in cartoon. To say it was hilariously bad is to not do justice to other legitimately laugh out loud bad toons from the 70's. It was absurd, badly animated and made no sense...which is why I'll be seeking it out on DVD this week.

In addition to the films, a noted Apes memorabilia collector put on an impressive, and I'd have to speculate expensive, display of Apes mania, props and costumes. If that was not enough, one of the door prizes was one of the highly coveted Mondo Planet of the Apes posters from the Alamo Draft House. This was a long, primate filled day, but I really do have to reiterate that all of these films still hold up and indeed each one of them was still really fun to watch, albeit each for different reasons. And so, I can say with complete certainty, that I have "Gone Ape!"

Special thanks to Midnight Cheese contributor Nick Lombardo for sharing these the photos for today's article. Nick's photographed the title screen for nearly every single Exhumed Films show since 1998.

eX-Fest 2011 eXplored

This past Saturday, I had the amazing pleasure of attending eX-Fest, twelve hours devoted to tasting the many flavors of the exploitation genre, thanks to the dudes at Exhumed Films. If you are from the Philadelphia metropolitan area and reading this, you've probably heard of them and likely have been to a show. For the uninitiated, Exhumed Films is a group dedicated to obtaining and screening (mostly) horror films to crowds that love them, that "get it" (mostly), and that keep coming back. They must be doing something right; they've been putting together successful shows since 1997. While they have in the past held mini marathons (I miss you Fulci-Fest) and in the present have gone crazy will full blown 24 hour marathons, these have always been predominantly horror based. eX-Fest aimed to be different, it aimed to explore as many non-horror subsets of the exploration genre in one sitting that any patron could absorb. Before I delve into detailing what unspooled before us that day, I'd like to throw a hearty "thank you" to the Exhumed crew in general and to Harry Guerro specifically for searching for prints of these films and putting this rare bill together. I can't unknown know what you showed me.

Now to the meat of the day. eX-Fest served us a buffet of seven dished, each from a different style. We were given our only clues before the projectors started running, as to what we were about to see. In order, they were: Spaghetti western (that was made in Spain instead of Italy), Italian revenge, "Travolta-sploitation", black-sploitation (by way of the Philippines), Hick-spoitation, Kung-Fu and sexploitation. Some entries where stronger than others, but all of them were damned entertaining. I would be remiss not to mention the excellent vintage trailers between some of the films. As a tribute, I've included some of the trailers for the main features.

Taco-Spaghetti Western - Cut-Throats Nine - 1972
AKA: Bronson's Revenge
Fairly standard gruff fare here: a chain gang of gold mine workers being transported by a handful of army guards who are ambushed and killed, all save one. How he and his daughter, along with the convicts, escape the wintery mountains on foot is what makes up the bulk of this films. No real spoiler here: there's a metric shit ton of walking. When the convicts figure out that their binding chain is made of gold, well then things really get interesting. What should be of interest to genre fans is how the killings are handled. Each murder is close up, special effects gory beyond reason, with a knife wound to the gut including close ups of someone trying to hold guts in or bullets to the face forcing a jelly eyeball out. This is not your daddy's western where someone is shot, grabs their gut and simply falls over. While it has a lot going for it, there are some pacing issues and it runs slow in a few places. It was a good choice to lead with this though, as later in the lineup, it may have been to jarring and brought everything to a screeching halt. Cut Throats Nine was released on DVD but appears to be out of print currently. Check out the trailer below.

Italian Revenge Actioner - No Way Out - 1973
AKA: Tony Arzenta: Big Guns
The talented Alain Delon stars as Tony Arzenta in this well done entry in the brutal revenge sub genre. He's an assassin for the Italian mafia who has had enough and wants out, in order to give his son a better life. While his boss is sympathetic, it's not as though one can just walk away. So a bomb is planted in Arzenta's car. Unfortunately, his wife and son decide to borrow the family car for a jaunt to Whole Foods and Kaboom! No more better life for little Arzenta Jr. (unless he meant for his son's better life to be as a side of beef). What does a jilted assassin do in just such a situation? Goes a vengeance laden rampage, of course. The scene is thus set for thrilling car chases, slick gunplay and even a wicked surprise knifing. Delon delivers cool guy action and quippy one liners with equal skill and this flick was certainly the best made of the eX-Fest films show. Here's another one that is sadly lacking a home video release. Check out the trailer:

Travolta-sploitation - The Face with Two Left Feet - 1979
AKA: The Lonely Destiny of John Travolto
And here we have the mythical movie of the show, the film that, try as one might, you will never be able to clearly explain it to friends. They had to be there. It's an exploitation film only in the sense that it totally exploits the fact that John Travolta was totally popular in Saturday Night Fever. This is the joke around which the entire film revolves. For all ninety minutes. Seriously. Allow me to explain.
The Face with Two Left Feet concerns the adventures of a cabal of teens who all work together at a hotel in Italy. After work, they head out to the discoteca, a club named John's Fever(yup), where the shy member of their group, Gianni, has a crush on Ilona, the hottie DJ. The group finds out that their Idol (Travolta) is going to be staying at the hotel and hatch a plan. You see, it just so happens that if given some massive manscaping and a wardrobe change, Gianni is a dead ringer for Travolta (for who. Ilona pines). So much so that I had to ask a friend if I missed his name in the credits and he was lampooning himself. This flick manages to mix equal parts Scooby-Doo, Ski Patrol and Saturday Night Fever into something that shouldn't be good but is so undeniably entertaining that it is a god damned crime that it isn't available to own. Its so rare, in fact, that there's barely any mention of it on the Internet. Here, friends, is proof that I am not insane. Watch this clip on YouTube, even though it's in Spanish, and cackle with glee.

Blackspoitation - Savage! - 1973
AKA: Black Valor
Here it is folks, your chance to watch the plight of the African American as understood and told by film makers from the Philippines. While it is a Blackspoitation film, Savage! has less of the outrages tropes of the genre than a lot of it's contemporaries, which I suppose is because it isn't from an American film studio. I felt like this was the least entertaining of the eX-Fest films, but it's not fair to call it a bad film, it isn't. Savage! is a sufficient action piece with an interesting political message, but honestly, that isn't why you're watching. You want to see some jive turkey mother fuckers. And, fear not friends, you sure do. I do want to point out how awesomely righteous the poster is for this flick. Take a good look. James Iglehart as Savage never wears an outfit like that or wields either of those guns. Gotta love exploitation advertising.

Hick-sploitation - Redneck Miller -1977
Oh man Redneck Miller. This is part of a rare genre, seldom seen as far north and east as Philadelphia. It's the tale of a man and his wheels, which he prefers remain unmolested. Something which we can all sympathize with. Unfortunately, someone is seen boosting the heroin drop of local black mafia boss, Super Mack, while riding on Miller's custom motorcycle. On the surface, there might not seem to be a lot going on here, but let's dig a little deeper. You see, Miller is a local country station disc jockey who spends his days shagging the wives of all the local dudes, unfazed by pretty much anything, except having his wheels molested. Super Mack actually has insecurities when it comes to women, a vulnerability that, while hysterical given his outer behavior, is completely unheard of in cinema of the time. And it comes in a southern made hicksploitation film. Ponder that a second. Ok, enough deep shit, the following is actually uttered by Miller to one of his groupies after he drives off Super Mack (who'd threatened to rape her): "Two things baby: I can't out talk a bullet and you've got a lot of lovin' in you, I can only die once."

Kung-Fu - 5 Fingers of Death - 1972
AKA: Iron Palm
Oh man was I ever excited when this started to unspool on the screen! I haven't seen 5 Fingers of Death since I was ten. It's one of my favorites for two reasons. The first is the basic premise of two feuding schools of fighters battling it out before a big tournament allows for so much embellishment, so much interesting side action. The second is that I really wanted to be the head butting guy when I was little (what can I say, it was during my head butting phase). The fighting choreography here is excellent and it's not hard to see why this is considered the first big international Kung-Fu film. The excitement builds through many levels and I found myself cheering out loud during several battles; I felt like a little kid again. Of the movies shown at eX-Fest, this was the most well known, easily. While some might begrudge the Exhumed Films crew for choosing it, I say that it's important to balance the schedule evenly and not simply fill it completely with unknowns. The entire film is available to watch on You Tube. For now, to sate your hunger, here is the trailer:

Sexsploitation - The Other Cinderella - 1977
I'd never seen this before but I was glad to end the day on a high note, with something exciting to help keep me up after a long day. Ah puns. Before you write is off as a depraved porno (which it sort of is), you should give me a chance to explain. The Other Cinderella is a soft core, skinemax style 70s porno, sure, but it's so much more. Consider it this way: it's a soft core porno musical comedy. Emphasis on musical comedy. It's like an early Mel Brooks comedy, with musical numbers and copious amounts of nudity. It is seriously a riotous good time. Especially good is Sy Richardson as the flaming thief turned fairy godmother who grants Cinderella (I shit you not), her very own snapping pussy, which the prince must fit, along with the glass slipper, to find his queen. The audience was rolling the whole time as the campy, raunchy jokes came continuously. (bu-dum-ching!)

On top of getting to watch these rare gems of exploitation with a mass of fellow fans, the day also included many awesome genre trailers, posters and t-shirts, prizes and beer! This was a day not to miss. Keep your eye on Exhumed Fims' website or Facebook page for more crazy events, include their next show Go Ape!, which will feature all 5 real Planet of the Apes films.

Night of the Demonic Convent Nun Killers

If you're reading this then you probably agree that the recent Night of the Demons remake was about as good an idea as that time you tried to syphon gas out of your buddy's car as a joke; there was a lot of sucking and it stunk, big time. Sure it had the always luscious Jessica Alba, but it balanced the scales by parading around a slovenly, over the hill Edward Furlong as one of the protagonists. It's even more of shame because I fondly remember watching the hell out of him in the campy 90s horror flick, Brainscan (sorry, guilty pleasure). Rather than go on about how terrible the Night of the Demons remake is, I'd rather discuss a film which I feel is the spiritual successor to the original and why it succeeds (and why you should watch it).

The Convent was released in 2000 in Spain and Germany, but was never able to secure a distributor Stateside (ironic since it was made here). I was extremely lucky to catch a rare 35mm screening of it at the now defunct Hoyt's theater, in a double bill run by the crew at Exhumed Films (Featured with Night of the Comet). Directed by Mike Mendez (directed The Gravedancers and an episode of Masters of Horror), who really recognized all of the genre tropes and executed them perfectly here.



Let's do the list:
An abandoned location where bad things happened long ago?
Yes! For Night of the Demons, that place is Hull House, a former mortuary in which the whole family was mysteriously slain by one of their own. In the case of The Convent, the "bad thing" is the most excellent Nun Combat scene yet released. I say "yet" because I've not yet seen Nude Nuns with Big Guns.

Stupid teenagers who go there for a stupid reason while drinking, screwing and doing drugs?
Yes! For Night of the Demons, Angela Franklin invites Stooge and the gang up for a spooky, alcohol fueled Halloween party. For The Convent, it's some frat goons who want to paint their letters up on the abandoned building while doing drugs and each other.

Wait, are the teens killed and possessed one by one, in awesomely grotesque fashions?
Of course! I mean, why else would we be watching?

The parallels here go beyond the standard fare, which soak the genre like so much delicious gore. Throughout The Convent, there is a gleeful celebration of the genre going on. Just as is clear with Kevin Tenney's original NOTD, there's a merry sense of "Yes, we know this is a gore filled demon movie with hot teenage victims. Yes we think this is awesome too. Now watch THIS!" It pervades both films and is, frankly, why I had so damned much fun watching them.

So now you're probably asking why you should watch The Convent, since you've already seen the original Night of the Demons dozens of times. What the hell kind of cheesy horror film fan are you? Fine, I'll indulge you.

Check this out, Adrienne Barbeau as a bitter, alcoholic, terminatrix, demon killer. Bill Mosley and Coolio in supporting roles that steal the scene they're in. Ridiculously inept, sexually confused satanists, whose bumbling just makes the situation way worse. Even better? The Convent is seventy-nine minutes, clocking in a full eleven minutes shorter than Night of the Demons. This is good news because, as you might recall, there's a point near the end of the second act where NOTD really drags, slowing down the pace of the film. So a quicker pace, genre and 90s favorites, pretentiously fake hot topic goths and oh, did I mention a whole load of teenagers get horribly slaughtered by their possessed friends? Yeah that happens too.

You can rent The Convent from Netflix or pick it up from online retailers such as Amazon. The DVD from Lionsgate has a very clean transfer and offers exotic special features such as "interactive menus" and "scene access". It's an upgraded from my VHS copy, which offered hot "fast forwarding" action, but not by much. How ever you get your mitts on it, see this movie. If you have a sense of humor, you will not regret it. And for you dedicated cine-masochists out there, the 2009 Night of the Demons remake is available to watch instantly on Netflix. Don't say that I didn't warn you.