Top 3 David Carradine Characters

A lot of ideas spooled up and whipped past the front and center of my mind this past week whilst I was penning my tribute to lost actor David Carradine for my column on Mania.com (handy link). Unfortunately, many of them didn't fit the context of that article and could not be included. Luckily I've got the Midnight Cheese to catch those left over vitals, which I've chosen to sautée and serve to you in list form. On the third anniversary of his early exit, stage right, here are my top three favorite characters played by David Carradine. If you've already read this week's Shock-O-Rama, none of this will come as any great surprise (though the ordering arrangement most).

Frankenstein (Deathrace 2000 - 1975)

While I consider Deathrace 2000 the most influential of Carradine's films on me personally, the character he plays here is not my absolute favorite. What isn't to love through about a man who's supposed to have been rebuilt more than Darth Vader when really he's just the newest in a line of trained and costumed imitators? He's sort of like Elvis, if an impersonator secretly took his place each time he died. I want you to seek this film out and so I won't spoil too much here. Let me just say that Frank has the oddest hand grenade ever captured on film thus far.

The Blind Man (Circle of Iron - 1978)

This is only one of four roles played by Carradine in this cinematic instruction manual on eastern philosophy. The Blind Man is most certainly a huge inspiration for the title character of Tarantino's Kill Bill films. He plays a large bamboo flute, which doubles as an effective weapon; he speaks in the seer sing song of riddles and unknowable truthes; and he is much deadlier that he ever comes off in both appearance and conversation. I gave Circle of Iron it's own write up here. Check it out and then see the film.

Bill (Kill Bill Vol. 2 - 2004)

Being the collected embodiment of all of his cult characters who'd come before, there's no way it could be anyone else but Bill. Every monologue delivered is classic Carradine, here movement measured and ever frame showcases another of the hundred ways which he's just so fucking cool. The scene where he plays the flute while telling the bride a tale is one of my favorite committed to film.

So celebrate the legacy, watch an awesome flick and tell you friends about just how bitchin' rad David Caaradine was.

 

You've Got Five Minutes: Slasher Edition

In the unlikeliest of circumstances, you are about to find yourself trapped in a horror film. Since we're already accepting this strange scenario, let's take it one step further and examine the anatomy of survival.  Here's the setup: you're in your home, alone. It's night time and you have no phone or computer or if you do they won't work anyway. Through the intervention of some higher power (the writer) you've gleaned knowledge of the future.  In but five minutes' time, your movie scenes begin rolling. What preparations will you make to ensure your survival?

Today's featured sub genre is Slashers; that delightful ballet of creatively crafted kills, titillating teenage tender bits and men-come unstoppable killing machines. Here's what I'd do in my five minutes.

1. Break all of the mirrors - In everyday life, we utilize mirrors to assure ourselves we've configured our look correctly. In slasher flicks, however, they're an irresistible compulsion for film makers to cram in a brutal surprise attack. So, let's remove one of the cheap ways for the screen writer to slaughter me.
   
2. Disguise the circuit breaker box and power lines - Cutting the power is another slasher film technique that puts the audience on edge and makes it easier for the killer to approach for a surprise kill. Remove that power from their iron grasp: disguise the area where power lines enter the house in a Christmas lights display. Sure, it might be the middle of July, but which is worse: neighbors calling you tacky because of a holiday taboo or neighbors calling you tacky because they're standing in your congealed blood? Also construct a false wall in front of the fuse box ala Dawn of the Dead.
3. Eat high fiber cereal - Yet another cinematographic trick, usually cheaply employed in an attempted jump scare, is setting the camera extra close to the victim. This somehow shortens their view to a mere three feet, allowing an enormous monstrosity of meat and blades to be kissably closer than is otherwise possible. With a boat load of fiber in your system, you should be ready to cloud the air around you with noxious flatulence, pushing the camera man back several feet and giving your self several more precious seconds of reaction time.
4. Separate out your car key and place it in your pocket - When making your eventual wounded flight to the car, you've no time to fumble through a keyring full of metal. That gives your nemesis more time to yank your head off like a paper towel. So take that all important car key off the ring and place it in your dominant hand side pocket. As an added bonus, you won't fall on all your keys when taking inevitable tumbles whilst being pursued.

And that's about my five minutes. It's do or die time now. How would you spend your five preparatory minutes?

Chuck's Top 10 Horror Films of the Last Decade

Marvin the Macabre from The Montana Mancave Massacre put out a Bat Signal, requesting top 10 lists from the internet's horror-sphere. Below is my personal list, not that of the Entire Midnight Cheese crew. Some of them may also post theirs, I know Noel is working on his.

Before we get started, I just want to admit that this was not easy. I picked movies on two different factors: did they scare me and/or did I have fun watching them. I'm sure you'll disagree, but I've got the floor so just sip your latte and sit there captain mocha pants.

#10 - Freddy vs Jason - 2003
Directed by Ronny Yu

I don't want to hear it, ok? I waited my entire adolescence for this film to happen and you know what? It was fucking awesome. Sure the teenage characters where generic and forgettable, but you know they aren't at all why you went to see this movie. Robert Englund is at the top of his Freddy game. The only lamentable point is the lack of Kane Hodder as Jason.

#9 - Dawn of the Dead - 2004
Directed by Zach Snyder

Yeah the remake. Does it stand up to Romero's instrumental classic? Absolutely not, it's not even in the same league. However, when you judge it on it's own merits, it's a fun zombie ride. The cast is great, the action starts nearly right away and the credits sequence is satisfying, to say the least.

#8 - Rammbock: Berlin Undead - 2010
Directed by Marvin Kren

I wrote about it here. It's very Romero inspired and it does it right. While it has a short running time, ever minute is engaged to full effect. The best zombie film of 2010.

#7 - 28 Days Later - 2002
Directed by Danny Boyle

It would have been hard to have this list without this masterpiece, as so many of my favorites are zombie flicks and this is the movie that brought the sub genre back from the dead. That's funny to consider when you realize that there aren't any zombies in 28 Days Later! (the dead do not rise in the movie, do they smart ass?)

#6 - Land of the Dead - 2005
Directed by George Romero

His first entry in the Dead series since 'Day in '85 has a social message more meaningful today, six years later, than it did on release. Here we have the absolutely filthy wealthy, living in secluded luxury, while the rest of the surviving human population all live in slums. They're all surrounded by zombies, but the rich aren't any worse off for it and could care less even though the world outside has ended. And, oh yeah, it's a great zombie movie too.

#5 - [REC] - 2007
Directed by - Jaume Balaguero

[REC] is a first person perspective demon/zombie movie from Spain. Set inside a small, old apartment building that has been sealed off by the government, we see through the eyes of a TV reporter's camera man. It's awesome, it's creepy and it scared the crap out of me. It was remade a year later as Quarantine for American audiences, who where judged too stupid to see a subtitled movie. See the real movie.

#4 - Grindhouse - 2007
Directed by - Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez

So I'm cheating a bit, but I saw this as it was meant to be: as on long experience, replete with cheesy trailers and snipes and clocking in at over 3 hours long. I refused to purchase it on home video, even though I loved every minute of it, until it was available in it's original form, last year. This is fun, this is entertainment, more than anything, this "gets it".

#3 -Paranormal Activity - 2007, released 2009
Directed by - Oren Peli

The Internet is rife with stupid man-babies in an echo chamber who think they are movie critics and all believe that they hate this film, most sight-unseen. I'll admit that it's the least technically proficient film in this list, no question. However, it scared me like no other movie this decade. It's effective, it's frightening and it does exactly what a horror film is supposed to.

#2 - Trick 'r' Treat - 2007
Directed by Michael Dougherty

Shelved for two years, then released direct to DVD, this anthology film channels the delightful macabre of the Tales from the Crypt and Creepshow series'. It revels in dishing out comeuppance and is wicked fun. Its been added to my yearly Halloween watch list as it embodies the spirit of that day more than any other film I can think of. It's a travesty what Warner Brothers did to it's release and it's robbed it from it becoming a yearly sequel release, as the director intended.

#1 - Shaun of the Dead - 2004
Directed by Edgar Wright

Where do I start on the subject of this Rom-Com-Zom? (romantic comedy with zombies). For starters, it lovingly lifts from and homages to all things Romero. It's witty, it's charming, it's hysterically funny. And its full of bloody zombies. I've watched this movie dozens of times and love it every time. It clicks on all wavelength and is, in my opinion, the best horror flick this past decade.

So there you have it, you may disagree but I want to know your list. Reply in the comments so I can check it out.