Monday, December 12, 2011

You've Got Five Minutes: Slasher Edition

In the unlikeliest of circumstances, you are about to find yourself trapped in a horror film. Since we're already accepting this strange scenario, let's take it one step further and examine the anatomy of survival.  Here's the setup: you're in your home, alone. It's night time and you have no phone or computer or if you do they won't work anyway. Through the intervention of some higher power (the writer) you've gleaned knowledge of the future.  In but five minutes' time, your movie scenes begin rolling. What preparations will you make to ensure your survival?
Today's featured sub genre is Slashers; that delightful ballet of creatively crafted kills, titillating teenage tender bits and men-come unstoppable killing machines. Here's what I'd do in my five minutes.

  1. Break all of the mirrors - In everyday life, we utilize mirrors to assure ourselves we've configured our look correctly. In slasher flicks, however, they're an irresistible compulsion for film makers to cram in a brutal surprise attack. So, let's remove one of the cheap ways for the screen writer to slaughter me.
  2. Disguise the circuit breaker box and power lines - Cutting the power is another slasher film technique that puts the audience on edge and makes it easier for the killer to approach for a surprise kill. Remove that power from their iron grasp: disguise the area where power lines enter the house in a Christmas lights display. Sure, it might be the middle of July, but which is worse: neighbors calling you tacky because of a holiday taboo or neighbors calling you tacky because they're standing in your congealed blood? Also construct a false wall in front of the fuse box ala Dawn of the Dead.
  3. Eat high fiber cereal - Yet another cinematographic trick, usually cheaply employed in an attempted jump scare, is setting the camera extra close to the victim. This somehow shortens their view to a mere three feet, allowing an enormous monstrosity of meat and blades to be kissably closer than is otherwise possible. With a boat load of fiber in your system, you should be ready to cloud the air around you with noxious flatulence, pushing the camera man back several feet and giving your self several more precious seconds of reaction time.
  4. Separate out your car key and place it in your pocket - When making your eventual wounded flight to the car, you've no time to fumble through a keyring full of metal. That gives your nemesis more time to yank your head off like a paper towel. So take that all important car key off the ring and place it in your dominant hand side pocket. As an added bonus, you won't fall on all your keys when taking inevitable tumbles whilst being pursued.
And that's about my five minutes. It's do or die time now. How would you spend your five preparatory minutes?


  1. 1) Pack away all objects that look like they might be remotely capable of impaling me.

    2) Remove all shower curtains.

    3) Turn the TV off, or at least turn the volume down and make sure it’s not showing something that might seem ironic in the event of my murder.

    4) Make sure all doors are locked from the outside only.

    5) Do some basic warm up exercises.

  2. Number five is a good point, Banned. You wouldn't want to pull a hammy while running around you house. The TV though, could be a danger. If it goes to snow, you might have switched to a murderous ghst film. That might be safer than slasher though.