eX-Fest II: The Revenge in Retrospect

I'm awake.
I'm have a knock knock Neo, down the rabbit hole kind of morning, where coffee offers little solace and small gains toward awakening. I've survived eX-Fest II but not without first having my brain scooped out to marinate in a jar of the tastiest cast off juices that 70's revenge celluloid has to offer. Being the flavor of the day, vengeance belonged to whomever had the biggest balls and baddest ass, regardless of gender. Let's talk a walk , you and I, down my sequence of yesterday's events while I regale you with what whimsies struck me and wreak vengance upon the lesser members of the accompanying audience.

The No Mercy Man

• 1973. AKA: Fire in the Wind, Trained to Kill, Vietnam Soldier.
• Genre fave Sig Haig looks really good and is absolute slimy bad ass here as Pill Box, the leader of a biker gang.
• Society's condemnation of interracial relationships among carney folk leads to breaking and enter, theft, murder and a bad ass biker on soldier gun battle sequence.
• Hardened Vietnam veterans of the highest training often high five in 80's action broseph style after RPG'ing a truck rather than taking cover to avoid submachinegun ventilation.
• If your son comes back as a highly decorated veteran with PDST, the best way to help him is smug disregard, urging him to fist fight you and making him live in the shed. No harm can come of this.
• All it takes to snap a commando out of PDST is the brutal beating into unconsciousness of his father. And the near crucifixion of his mother. And the rape of his sister. Oh, and the rape of his other sister. Make it that far and it's game on for the no mercy man.

Fear is the Key

• 1973.
• Barry Newman, John Vernon and Ben Kingsley - Oh my!
• This film is absolutely boss bad ass for the first thirty minutes while Barry Newman is beating up cops, escaping from court, enjoying hard liquor on Sundays and leading Lousiana state police on a really fucking sweet 20 minute car chase.
• After that half an hour, it takes a shovel to the noggin and begins to believe that it's a second rate James Bond flick.
• I never wanted a 1972 Ford Gran Torino before the first third of this film. If I'm not mistaken, Lousiana state police have an excellent car budget; affording a good number of Pontiac GTO's to wreck at will.

The Man From Hong Kong

• 1975. AKA- The Dragon Flies (get it? With the hang gliding and- nevermind)
• An honest to goodness Ozsploitation Kung-Fu film. Kick arse!
• Relations between Austria and China were not comfortable in 1975. Inspector Fang Sing Leng looks to change all that. With his dick. One Aussie babe at a time. He's a dick-lomat.
• George Lazenby should have played Ron Burgondy by way of Tom Selleck's mustache.
• Hugh Keays-Byrne plays the aptly named police detective Grosse. You might remember him as Toe Cutter, the main antagonist from the first Mad Max film. Lucky for him his role as a police detective didn't require a more conservative haircut, just a slightly smaller dangly earring.
• Watching fat guys in spandex shirts run up Australlian mountain sides should be a god damned Olympic sport.
• I never want to watch hang gliding again. Ever.

Death Weekend

• 1976. AKA- The House by the Lake
• Under the oily thin vaneer of a rape and revenge romp lies the true heart of this film: it's really Yuppiesploitation. I hated Doctor Black the perverted peeping tom womanizer; the elitist consumerist; the purchasing power braggot; on the same level that I hated the gang of alcoholic murderous thugs (bravo film makers!)
• If wanting to add brevity to any diabolical life or death situation, just show quick cuts of the hated dead yuppie's shutgunned face as it ackwardly gets in the way whilst our heroine attempts her mad dash escape.
• Helplessly alcoholic gas station attendants are hysterical. This is especially true when their crippling addiction prevents them from coming to the rescue even when they realize something is amiss through their inebriated haze.
• There was audience appluse during the revenge killings of three of the four gang members. Incredibly strangly the most elaborate comeuppance, involving a boat house, gasoline, a flare and a well hidden valkyrie of vengance, received little fan fare.

Wipeout!

• 1973. AKA- The Boss
• I fucking love Henry Silva! He only has one facial expression, but it's a classic: Wax museum Chevy Chase. He pimps the hell out of that look, no matter the circumstance. Killing dudes with a grenade launcher? Wax Chevy Chase. Banging a girl he loathes? Wax Chevy Chase. Taking a phone call? Wax Chevy Chase but with raised eyebrows! Genius.
• The theme in this film is a hard rockin' bit of guitar and vinegar piss. I felt 13% more awesome everytime it kicked in. (if you know where I can acquire a copy of it, please contact me)
• Nick Lanzetta hates skin flicks.
• Main heavy and over all dick Cocchi heavily resembles Bruce Campbell during the second half of The Man With the Screaming Brain (which was also screened by Exhumed Films).

Vice Squad

• 1982.
• A more fitting title would have been "Inept Police Squad". Seriously: a pimp named Ramrod in a bright blue satin cowboy shirt and on the run from the law manages to be a more effective dectective then all the members of Vice Squad combined.
• I might have mistook this for the early 90's. The only excuses I can bring to bear are exhustion and failing memory.
• The Johns manage to be a slimy collection of harsh truth ground into the patina of the Hollywood prostitute lifestyle (glamorous as it must certainly be).
• If a chauffer hires you on behalf of his master and goes to elaborate pains for the fantasy's illusion, bitch don't you that ruin shit by talking when you see the old man in the pine box waiting to bang you. You're a Hollywood hoe, how much stranger can this possibly be over your normal day to day?
• I really wanted the main cop as protrayed by Emilio Estavez, especially after his star rose at the last Exhumed Films marathon event: the annual 24 hour Horrorthon.

Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS

• 1975.
• While seriously jazzed as the preemptive red backed warning made it's how-do-you-do on screen, as the film proceeded my jubilation escaped me. The situation is simply to close to reality to be entertaining overall. The sequels are much more campy and fun. I'm missing the point though, as exploitation is not always supposed to be fun, infact it rarely can be considered as such.
• This is a nessisary experience on the exploitation spectrum (which is like a much slezier autism spectrum) and anyone who left early is now substantively less whole then they otherwise could have been.

And so the second eX-Fest drew to a close. Overall I would have to say that I had more fun with last year's selections. This is not to say that I didn't enjoy what I witnessed yesterday as it was much more in line with what I'd expect from an exploitation festival. It was sleazier and the price of admission included a small part of what remains of your soul. I'd prefer a healthy mix of the exaggerated sleaze and the over the top fun, but I would by no means complain about the film selections. They were all excellent and they all fit into a day of vengenace laden fun. Yet another bill of entertainment from the fine fellows over at Exhumed Films.

Before I close the book on twelve plus hours of my life, I would be remiss in avoiding some ugly truths.

To the rectal pieces of human refuse who decided that your need to know the time, the hockey score, what your friends were up to or that anything else on your cell phone out weighed everyone else's right to not be sucked out of their movie going experience need to step into traffic. You're incosiderate to the extreme, likely irredeemably so and I respectfully request that you spend your time doing something other than burdoning the planet's population with your continued existance.

To those sitting in the middle section, most notably near the top, it is your responsibility when moving to and fro not to obstruct the projector's radiant beams. If that means you have to bend further forward while moving, by all means do so. I understand that as a sweaty neckbeard film nerd, this might classify as exertion beyond your normal means but by all means attempt to exert anyway. I can literally see you getting fatter as you obstruct the reason why everyone is tolerating being in your presence in the first place.

To the back row, center section folks (most of whom are guilty of the previous two cinematic war crimes) your taste in alcoholic beverages is fucking abismal. Everyone gets one go on this rotating rock around the sun and you're wasting yours drinking fucking Four Loko? I know that you don't know how to properly select what to pour into your mouth hole because despite numerous requests that you not do so from the fine folks of Exhumed Films, you entitled pricks left a bevy of garbage in your wake.

Which brings me to my last point: Hey you entitled nerdbodies who left your trash behind, go fuck yourselves. These guys put on a great show of rare goods to entertain you yet despite that you can't pick up your soda bottle as you exit? Your massive corinary can't arrive soon enough to remove you from our presences.

The Trailer Dump, Issue no.13

Here we find ourselves once again: me with the trailers, you with the wanting of the trailers. Have them, indulging in all their fresh squeezed delights.

Black Sunday (1960)

Bloody Pit of Horror (1965)

 

Interlude

 

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)

 

 

The Dreaded Horror Blindspot: Part II

We've all got one: a segment of our nerdly obsessions which isn't quite as thoroughly clued in as might be expected. As I discussed in part one of this series (which I suggest reading before continuing) the truth of this disability is willfully and purposefully hidden from our contemporaries. I will not lower my head in that similar shame. My area of genre emptiness is Hammer Horror and I've set about filling in my knowledge like a veracious hair club for men candidate. Though I am admittedly on a much slower path to recovery, it can't be said that I'm motionless. So I tucked up to the table, draped the cloth to my neckline, and dove in mouth first.

Today's menu begins, centers and ends on 1970's Peter Cushing-less Horrors of Frankenstein. Instead Ralph Bates steps into the familiar digs of Victor Frankenstein. Bates was also in Taste the Blood of Dracula , another Hammer Horror film released that same month staring Christopher Lee, but might be best remembered as Dr.Jekyll in Dr.Jekyll & Sister Hyde (which I'm working on tracking down a copy of). What's fascinating about this specific retelling of the Mary Shelley story is what Bates brings to the table. In one instance he's friendly, amiable and charming. Split seconds tick off the clock and in that small sequence of time, he's now conniving, cold blooded and ruthless. Absent from the proceedings is the misunderstood, driven genius that we're so commonly presented with in the innumerable spinnings of the Frankenstein yarn.

The rest of the films' trappings can be found among those commonly attributed to period Hammer: lavish recycled gothic sets, lovely busted beauties bearing some flesh (though not as much as is customary) and a fantastically epic-esk score. Topping off the tank are a lovely scheming house keeper, a charming best friend to Victor, a fun grave robbing husband-wife pair and David "Darth Vader" Prowse- the latter looking burly and scarred as "The Monster".

Prepare for a bold proclamation. Horrors of Frankenstein has become my favorite film version of the classic Mary Shelley legend. There is just so much going on behind the calculating eyes of a young Victor Frankenstein, who will not be stopped in his goal of bringing about new life. The lies he connives are brilliant, the line between his ruthlessness and his charm so razor thin and his manipulation is so very subtle. The bottom line here is that you need to see this underrated monster movie. This might not be an easy task as it seems to only be available as an out of print DVD released in 2001 but if you've got a region free player, the Hammer collection is always available to you.

Next on my Blindspot list is Vampire Circus, which (as luck and fate have procreated in my favor), is playing in 35mm as part of the Colonial Theatre's First Friday Fright Night series on May 4th. See you at the midnight movies.

 

 

eX-Fest II: Chatting with Jesse Nelson

There's an incompletion located somewhere within you. A sacrosanct sector which hasn't gotten sufficient nutritional intake. It's not your fault that the past decades haven't been kind to your ability to take in exploitation cinema with a raucous audience full of the deviant that you hide inside. Exhumed Films has your ticket though, hosting an annual exploitation marathon dubbed eX-Fest, which boasts a smorgasbord of flavors. With eX-Fest II just six days away, I asked Jesse Nelson (member of Exhumed Films and co-proprietor of Diabolik DVD) a bunch of questions which I've wanted to know the answers to.

Q: How did you get involved with Exhumed Films in the first place?

We met the guys that run GRINDHOUSE RELEASING while at Fantasia in
Montreal and decided that it would be fun to rent a few movies from
them, find a local theatre and have a halloween double feature. We
all threw in some money and resigned ourselves to the fact we might
lose it, but at least we would have a good time watching the movies.
To our surprise, people showed up and we decided to put the profits
back into a collective pool and start planning more shows. Back then
it was mostly word of mouth and handing out flyers - the internet was
a very small portion of what it is now.

Q: Since you guys primarily run horror, where did eX-Fest come from?

After the success of the 24hr fest, we decided we needed another big
show midway between the horror-thons, so we came up with a theme of 12
hours and movies we normally wouldn't show at the 24hr fest. Mainly
we wanted to watch a bunch of sleazy, non-horror movies with an
audience and we figured an "event" would bring people in and luckily
it did.

Q: What's been you absolute favorite show that Exhumed has run?

Easily Bruce Campbell at the Harwan. He was in town for a
Hercules/Xena convention and we managed to get ahold of him for a
screening of Evil Dead 2 at Midnight. He not only introduced the
movie, but did a Q&A and refused to leave until he signed something
for everyone. I think we managed to wrap it up around 5am. PLUS, he
gave us a low ball figure for the night and refused to take a penny
more. Very classy, funny and all around the most pleasant celebrity
experience despite the late night and that the AC had broken earlier
that day.


Q: How about favorite film? (that Exhumed has screened)

I love so many of the films we show, its hard to pick one out. Its
fun to show oddball things like PIECES and FAREWELL UNCLE TOM with a
crowd, but I think that THE THING is the film that I never tire of
watching with an audience.

Q: What's the film you'd most like to show but can not? (why not?)
Collectively it was DAWN OF THE DEAD, but we finally worked out that
rights issue last year. Aside from that there are some other things
that we have never been able to track down for one reason or another
such as HALLOWEEN 3 for example, but the thing I have wanted to show
from the beginning is Fulci's CONQUEST which doesn't seem to exist on
film any longer in any format.

Q: I've really enjoyed the smaller venue'd, 16mm shows at the Audubon
auction house from this past year. Where did that idea come from? (and
will there be more of them?)

The Auction house has a pretty tight weekend schedule, which is great
for them, but not great for us trying to schedule shows. We will have
more in the coming year for sure though. They actually contacted us
and wanted us to have a pop up theatre in there. They already had the
PA and the screen so all we had to do was provide the films and the
projectors - which is the great thing about 16mm.


Q: Since 1997, you guys have been housed in a number of
venues. Which do you feel was the coolest, which has the best vibe for
exhumed and which do you miss the most?

The Harwan was my favorite... It was a total dump and provided the
best vibe. You could smoke in the upstairs lounge!!! But the Hoyts
in Pennsauken was the best for us business wise. They didn't care
what we did, what we showed and how long we were there. It wasn't the
best vibe, but it had the best projection, sound and those amazing
seats! It would be great to have the 24hr fest there. To this day I
don't think the manager told corporate what he was doing and put that
money in his pocket for the rental - but that was fine by us.


Q: Who decided to end last year's eX-Fest with The Other Cinderella.
(fucking spectacular, btw)

I wanted to end this year's with a full on hardcore movie, but the
other guys were against it and I guess I was to some extent as well,
but damn it would have been fun! Harry is the exploitation guru in
the group and I don't even argue with the films he comes up with. If
he wants to show it, I want to see it!


Q: What's the most rewarding part of Exhumed for you?

Aside from the movies, which do become a bit tedious from time to time
(Evil Dead 2 again???) I really love meeting everyone and chatting
about movies and hearing the responses - which aren't always positive.
I feel like we have created a great horror community with Exhumed and
DiabolikDVD in the Philadelphia area and I love being involved with
that.

I'd like to thank Jesse for taking the time to answer my questions (and for always taking all my dollars at at the Diabolik DVD table each show!).

Check out my recap of last year's eX-Fest and then snag your tickets for this Sunday's event right here (precious few remain as of this writing). Then prepare yourself for twelve hours of mysterious mind blowing fare from all across the exploitation venue. If you waffle now, you'll be cursing yourself while you read my recap of the awesome flicks on display.

 

I'm Nuts about Fortress

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Mitchell Madness

Friends, I've contracted a deadly malady; one which erodes away the capacity for rationalizations and leaves behind in its gelatinous wake mashed Chuck brains. What affliction could this be? It's none other than Mitchell Madness. Yes Joe Don Baker has flattened my frontal cortex and left me a babbling parsnip with his super unappealing shenanigans as an alcoholic police detective named Mitchell (also the name of the film on display for mockery).

This film is at the central core vortex of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 minutia. This pivotal episode marks the departure of series creator and host Joel Hodgson and the introduction of Mike Nelson in the latter role for the remaining run of the show (Mike played many roles in his previous time on the show). For this reason alone the Mitchell episode, number 512, would warrant a regal place among the pantheon of MST. It just so happens to also present the perfect example of exactly why Mystery Science Theater 3000 is so very beloved even to this day: still receiving new DVD releases every few months.

And you too can contract the Mitchell Madness Malady with a few hundred other devoted MSTies. The Colonial Theatre (of 1958's The Blob fame) in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania is running an MST extravaganza this Friday evening. On top of a heaping helping of Mitchell, they'll also be screening episode 201 of heavy metal zombie riffing show Incognito Cinema Warriors XP as a bonus. And, as is usual with these events, there will preshow prize give aways and contests.

New for this screening is a custom show poster by artist Charles Moran. I could go about badly describing it to you but it would not be done justice.

Instead BEHOLD the badassery on display!

The show starts at 9:45pm but you should show up early to high five me and trade the fist bumps. And to get some of the awesome unrivaled Colonial popcorn. Tickets are only $8 and more details can be found HERE.

 

 

Getting Lost in The Fields

I absolutely love when a film's premise has hooks, enticing the watchers and bringing us deeper into the world as it's unspooling. Everything I'd read on The Fields had me very much looking forward to checking it out. It's a period piece (cool!), set in rural Pennsylvania (hey, that's where I'm from!) during the summer of '73. It purports to be based on true events in the aftermath of the Manson family murders. Eight year old Steven is sent to stay on a farm with his ornery, foul mouthed grandmother and her long suffering husband whilst his parents try to work through marrital issues (adultery and gun brandishing, ya know normal husband-wife stuff). We're told that Grandmom's penchant for watching late night horror movies (sweet!) is influencing Steven's world view and causing him to seek out the darkness hidden among the surrounding corn fields.

And so, armed with what seems like a bomb proof premise, The Fields then proceeds to stumble and fall right out of the gate. It's not just a pacing problem but more that plot threads seem to build to nothing. This goes doubly for suspense; there simply is very little unless you're terrified of corn. There's some promise of horrors to come when Steven stumbles across an abandoned amusement park (apparently the oldest in America - Bushkill Amusement Park) inhabited by squatting hippies. But the horror never arrives, this plot thread is quickly abandoned too. There's some nonsense about inbred cousins who kill chickens, aunts who are so rural that you can't even tell what they're mumbling and some out of place race relations exposition, all of which just seem to add an ackward flair that had me cringing.

Still, films can get a lot of mileage on charismatic characters. Unfortunately, the most likable character, Charlie, is hardly in the film at all. Joshua Ormond, who plays Steven, puts in an admirable performance and could have a bright career in his future but he's playing a young boy and so to shoulder him with carrying the film without a likable supporting cast is folly. Tara Ried, who is given top billing here, book ends the film appearing in the beginning and ending only.

Not all was disappointment and sad panda faces though- the cinematography was excellent, expertly canvassing ominous sky-scapes and rickety farm structures. It really set the table for what could have been a slow burning, tension filled horror flick. Sadly there was no meal forthcoming. The Fields ends up being a lesson in unfulfilled promise. At least the trailer is kind of spine-tingly.