Friday, April 20, 2012

I'm Nuts about Fortress

Nothing screams Saturday afternoon Sci-Fi fun quite as successfully as Fortress. Yes, this early nineties Christoher Lambert vehicle contains just the delicious cross breeding of overbearing totalitarian government, a lethal penal system overseen by unchecked corporate malice, a formerly heroic soldier who's been wrongfully imprisoned and it's set in the "near future" of 2017. My tone may be implying sarcastic dislike for Fortress but nothing could be further from the truth. Here is a flick to disengage your main brain, appealing to that reptilian sector of basic good vs. evil as you try to clear the fog of a metal face Friday night while accidentally pouring Mountain Dew over your Cheeros. Fortress doesn't judge. It's ample mixture of cheese and 90's Sci-Fi that lovingly caresses your Saturday morning self until it's time to cast off your jammies and take on the day.

Still there? Ok, so here's the summation: The evil U.S. government has imposed a one child per married couple law in order to control a population spiraling wildly out of control (I'm not quite seeing a problem so far). Christopher Lambert plays John Brennick, a former spec ops soldier attempting to escape to Canada with his wife, herself pregnant with their second child (the first died at birth). At the border checkpoint, Brennick buys his wife time to escape by cleverly offering his delicious limbs up as dog treats. He's sentenced to thirty-one years at the "Fortress", a maximum security prison run my the MenTel corporation. That name inspires a lot of confidence in their genteel treatment of inmates, doesn't it.

On the way there it becomes abundantly clear that director Stuart Gordon thinks dude dongs are delightfully histerical. You'll thrill during dramatic dude delousing scene. Soon after you may swoon as Brennick has his "intestinator" prisoner control device installed via a forced blowjob oral machine. If this isn't enough to get your juices flowing, this film contains Lambert's ball sack. That's right, paying customers of Fortress will be treated to The Highlander's coin purse. I know I felt blessed.

Let's get back on track here though. Stuart Gordon regular and horror genre favorite Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator) costars as Edward Nigma from Batman Forever- the gadget man who gleefully assist Brennick on the inside. And this little flick is a gem in the rough. Yeah, it is pulpy fair but it's the kind you mill over as your're watching and decide it was worth the time invested. As luck would have it, Fortress just happened to be near the top of my Netflix disc queue when their only copy was returned. As I've just sent it back to them, your calculated timing might just net you the kind of movie that's been missing from your fragile little life.

Don't keep Lord Raiden's nuts waiting.


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