Sunday, August 7, 2011

It'll bug you out!

We all know how terrifying ants are.  Those beady eyes!  Those stem-crushing claws!  That unimaginable strength!  The balls to invade your privacy and eat your sugar crumbs!  Allow yourself a few moments to shudder....

All your worst fears come true (on film) in Warner Bros.' "Them!", the best movie ever about giant killer ants and the brave men who slay them.  Blame this film for that irrational urge you get on 80-degree summer nights to take out your lighter and fry the buggers.  When your parents went to see this in theaters, radiation from the first atomic bomb seeped into their DNA from the film reel, mutated their brain cells, and now you carry that instinct in your neurons.  Sound farfetched?  Hah!  So did the VCR.

But it's up to us to not be ruled by our DNA!  View this film with the intent of getting to know these majestic, trillion-year-old creatures.  You can really see the fuzz on these insects a lot better when they're as big as two Pontiac Aztecs put together.  Use that image to nourish a fondness for the beasts.  Next time you see one of these little anties, pet it.  But gently; don't kill it.  If you do, its family will know, and come after you.  You want to be in good with these beings, in case they do start to grow and infest the globe on a much larger scale.

You see, these six-legged creatures are like the mafia.  They'll hide underground, plotting their next move.  You can shoot them, burn them, fumigate them; there will be vengeance taken on you by their next of kin.  It's been scientifically proven.

Entomologists everywhere regard "Them!" as the "Citizen Kane" of bug blockbusters.  You will too.  But don't take my word for it...

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