Don't Neglect Christine

Mention the name John Carpenter around horror nerds and you're libel to be subjected to their top ten list of his films in short order. This shouldn't come as a shock, the man's been a visionary staple of the horror genre for almost forty years. While the 70's play host to his largest hit (Halloween), the 80's where his busiest decade. With The Fog, Escape from New York and The Thing behind him and Big Trouble in Little China, Starman, Prince of Darkness and The Live all yet to come, Carpenter brought a little 50's muscle car to silver screen in 1983 that would kill you for neglecting her.

Christine is an adaptation of the CONCEPT of a Stephen King novel (which was not yet completed at the time of filming) brought to film by by John Carpenter but sharing only characters, locations and general concepts with the source material. The long and short details Christine, a custom 1958 Plymouth Fury, with a cherry "Ford Red" paint job, who isn't even off the assembly line before managing to murder while playing 50's rock and roll. Cute concept.

And now we're pulled forward to the "modern times" of rich suburban California of the 1980's and introduced to Arnie and Dennis. The former being an awkward nerd without a ride, the later being a popular football star who drives a 70's Charger. Despite the differences Arnie and Dennis are best friends, which is pretty refreshing given how infrequently that seems to happen in movies.

During one uneventful drive home, after being beaten by shop class bullies, our duo notice a rusted out, weather worn and junk yard destined Christine, for sale on an overgrown lawn. The car has a nasty history of death, but Dennis flat out cannot talk Arnie out of purchasing her. From this point forward, Arnie becomes a progressively different person as he spends almost a month repairing her to cherry condition.

It's fascinating to watch the parasitic relationship develop, as Christine reacts to any slights to herself or Arnie with acts of violence. She reacts to Arnie's girlfriend as though she was a jilted lover. And she enacts merciless vengeance on the shop class bullies who trashed her. At the same time, Arnie transforms into a cocky, arrogant punk with a wardrobe shift to a 50's greaser aesthetic and an obsessive compulsion that would make Gollum say "damn that dude's got some issues".

The most fascinating cinematography takes place during the famous Christine self repair scene. It's a bad ass moment, kicked off by Arnie's complete admittance that Christine is sentient, phrased as such succinct punctuation to the moment. "Show me." With that Christine, who was trashed to totaled, repairs herself completely in a miraculous display that should amaze and frighten. Though, of course, Arnie isn't sane enough at this point to be afraid. I first saw this film when I was six or seven; this scene left me in awe. It's still striking, even this morning when I watched it again. No CGI folks. Without the aid of the 'net, I challenge you to figure out how they did this.

I'm not trying to tell you that this is a better film than The Thing or any other Carpenter film you have a filthy obsession with (Ghosts of Mars? Really dude?). All I'm suggesting is that, when next you whip out your Carpenter top 10 list, you give Christine some attention. If you don't, she'll find you.

The Trailer Dump, Issue No. 9

Friday night I attended a rare 16mm double feature of StarCrash and Yor: The Hunter from the Future. It was a fantastic night of cheese, thanks to Exhumed Films. And so, along with Yor this week's Trailer Dump includes some choice fantasy cuts. Enjoy.

Yor: The Hunter from the Future

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom

Dungeonmaster

Youtube is full of wonderfully cheesy, low budget fantasy. See what you can come up with and I'll see you next time.

Manos: The Special Edition of Fate!

The best kind of DVD delivery is the one you completely forgot you ordered (and paid for). It's a scientific law- Uma Thurman’s dynamics of consumerism. So when I came home two nights past to find the Mystery Science Theater 3000: Manos the Hands of Fate two disc special edition in my mailbox, well I thought little Samhain (of Trick 'r' Treat fame) was dropping off my Halloween gift, early.


If you're unfamiliar with MST3K or it's treatment of the cheapie film Manos: The Hands of Fate shame on you let me illuminate you. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is the award winning TV show concerning the adventures of Joel, a man trapped in space by the (marginally) evil Dr. Forrester, and forced to watch the worst films imaginable, all in an effort to see what it will take to drive a man mad. Joel constructs two robot companions(Tom Servo and Crow) and, to keep himself sane, the trio mercilessly riff their way through the dregs of celluloid. Manos is considered by many fans to be one of, if not the very best episode of the entire ten season series.

Is it any wonder then that this popular episode has gotten the home video release treatment three times before (twice on DVD and once on VHS from Rhino)? What would motivate MSTies (MST3K fans) to purchase it yet again? For starters this two disk set is loaded with enough extras to bust Big McLargeHuge's pants at the seams. Most of them are excellent.

There’s a lot to love here, as far as features that would mutate this into a full fledged “special edition”. Most enamoring for me is the Group Therapy featurette, giving us more of the people we adore discussing the love and tender kindness they hold for Manos. Mary Jo, Trace, Frank and Joel spend about twenty minutes discussing all of the elements which came together forming the MSTie perfect storm. There’s certainly some retreaded information here for longtime fans but it’s mixed well with new insights while still being highly entertaining. The Mystery Science Theater Hour wraps, giving the stage to Mike Nelson in his Jack Perkins persona, are also included to sate the lust of the fans who so desire them. They’re charming and I always love the absurdly gleeful way Mike as Perkins delights on the oddest parts of the film being riffed.


There are two, count them (I know you won’t), two segments on Henry Jamison “Jam” Handy to behold. Jam Handy was, among other things, a prolific producer of educational film reels, mostly for the U.S. armed services and Chevrolet Motor Company. Many or all of these shorts are in the public domain and that’s how they ended up on MST3K. The shorts “Hired!” parts 1&2 feature famously on the episodes Bride of the Monster and Manos: The Hands of Fate. (Coincidentally, both are collected and shown together in this special edition release. “Just because we can” is the note from Shout! Factory. Marvellous)

The first segment, titled Jam handy to the Rescue! is a documentary that combines footage from an actual interview with Jam from 1966 with newly produced footage that serves as the framing story; it’s the “why” we would be watching this footage. This is fairly funny, though it misses on a few notes where the modern day interviewer (dressed, and with footage distressed ,to appear vintage) hams it up and plays on the cultural difference of 50 years ago.

The second segment on the subject of short educational films (and Jam Handy), titled My (Educational) Short Life, is an excellent interview with Joel Hodgson, creator of MST3K. The content of the interview is excellent, with some even more cool insights to genesisal evolutionary points of my favorite cow town puppet show. However, at least with my disc, the audio for this part was horribly distorted, as though Joel was speaking through a phone when it was clear this wasn’t the case.

There’s also another feature, this one on the film being riffed itself. Hotel Torgo is probably the weakest feature in this special edition, a fragility I’m willing to accept, given the meaty bulk already packed into this set. With walk-throughs of original filming locations it’s a retrospective worth watching, at least once.

If all of this isn't enough to whet your whistle (and you are an enormous glutton for punishment) the second disc also contains the entire original, unriffed version of Manos. Honestly? I'm betting you don't have the stones to watch this beast unriffed*.

*The Midnight Cheese takes no responsibility for your fragile, broken mind; the likeliest result if you attempt to watch Manos: The Hands of Fate, without the sanity preserving armor of MST3K.


Shout! Factory really knows what the MSTie crowd wants and is doing everything they can to placate us. The large release box sets continue to come fast and furious, including episodes never thought to be possible due to rights issues, and they're supplemented with barebones rerelease of popular out of print Rhino releases, of which there are certainly many. I can comfortably say that there hasn't been a better time to be a MSTie in the home video release market. I can only hope some other out of print, well beloved episodes get this level of treatment. cough Mitchell cough

If you’re in the Philadelphia area and can’t get enough of MST3K’s treatment of Manos: The Hands of Fate, you’re in luck! The Colonial Theatre, world famous for its role in 1958’s The Blob, is hosting a showing of it on November 11th. Until then, the Master is waiting for you. *haunting Torgo theme*

Halloween Season is Almost Upon us.

Halloween has been my favorite holiday and season for as long as I can remember. I'm sure most of you dear readers are of a similar persuasion, after all it's the time of year where our kind of movies shine. Everything ghoulish and monstrous is in the spotlight, at least for a week. When I was a kid that week seemed like an entire month but now that I'm older and working, it whips on by like a Jason Voorhees machete and is clean through the other side before I get to enjoy the kill the season.

And so it's with the spirit of Halloween looming that I'd like to spend a few minutes recounting some of my favorite traditions.

Pumpkin Carving

Warding off wayward spirits is all well and good, but what if you want to do it with some style and you're hungry? Jack 'o lanterns are a tradition which originated in the British Isles, where they carved turnips and other similar sized vegetables, in which they placed a burning ember. When these folk settled in America, they adapted this ritual to the indigenous pumpkin.

Pumpkin carving has become far more intricate over the last decade but, for my part, the act is a deeply personal one. I do a quick, rough sketch of a frightening face and then carve by hand. This produces varying levels of quality, but I think it's more the character of the pumpkin asserting itself to protect my house from the evils of the night.

And of course, there are many things to make from the sacrificial pumpkin's hallowed innards: baked pumpkin seeds, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, pumpkin beer. Don't let it go to waste.

Treating the Trickers

Sure, some of them don't care, so long as they get free candy, but I enjoy adding a little something extra, of the non-razor blade variety. When I was just a child there was an old gentleman on my block who spent the year making wooden toys for all of the children; horses, cars, soldiers and the like. I'm not so handy. However I do love my horror flicks. So I project horror films into my front bay window. As you can imagine my choices are limited to older movies, so that parents don't call the cops on me for exposing little Susie to Saw.

Therein lies the fun: any trick or treated who correctly identifies the movie gets extra candy. Last year, none of them recognized Vincent Price in The House on Haunted Hill but a bunch of them got the second feature Tremors.

The Exhumed Films 24-Hour Horrorthon

Now entering it's fifth year, the Horrorthon is the ultimate showcase of classics, trailers, sequels and monsters. It's an endurance test, a tradition and an unparalleled experience all rolled into one. I don't believe that I could adequately explain what's going on in my head at 4am, having been watching films already for sixteen hours, and have something like Boarding House unspool before me. Perhaps it's something between sorrow and joy, closer to elation but mixed with confusion.

Taking place the weekend of Halloween, the Exhumed Films Horrorthon has become a must attend event for horror fans from many states, which quickly sells out months ahead of time. I snagged my tickets in July.

Starting on October 1st and running right up until the best day of the year, Halloween, The Midnight Cheese will post suggested films, videos, books, games and activities every day to help you enjoy your season.

The First 92

What scares you more than your own mind?  Nothing.  Fear itself is a product of your thoughts, and your reactions have the power to control subsequent thoughts.  Full circle?  Not without detours.  Instinct, experience, knowledge, ignorance - what's scarier?  Bliss is found in the most obscure corners, for some.  Perhaps escape is the only real way to regain your courage.  The way out can be the gold at the end of the most morbidly figured and uncomfortably colored rainbow.  To throw some more fear into the pot, there are times we don't want to find a safe haven.

"Suspiria".  It's regarded in film circles as one of the best of horror classics.  A gorefest shaped by blood, screams, and unsteady pacing.  Dario Argento's master work.  It's creepy and crawly.  It confines, irritates, shocks, and seeps into conscious with similar images from stories that are not typically associated with terror.  Snow White is not following previous conventions.  Wonderland remains colorful, yes, but with more sinister hues, and less friendly animals.  With a haunting, disturbing score by Goblin, "Suspiria" creates a supersensory tale of unfamiliarity, helplessness, and discomfort.

Fear transcends borders, irrationalizes the rational, perverts the simple.  It weakens, empowers, and burns.  School is scary.  As is the dark, unfamiliar territory, enclosure, and rejection.  Perhaps the greatest fear of all, however, is that of having to face it alone.

An Order of Video Cheese, Please!

MTV turned 30 last month. "I can remember when MTV played music videos." That's the usual quip most people my age blurt out whenever someone mentions MTV. I see things differently. I can remember when MTV played every music video.

My brothers and I found MTV on its first broadcast day. We were channel surfing. These were the days of the old push button cable box. Since I was youngest of the family, I was the remote. I remember pushing the various buttons and moving the little selector level up and down when suddenly the sight and sound of The Who singing Don't Let Go the Coat burst out of our 19" Quasar.

"Leave this on", said my brother Kevin, probably the biggest music fan in the family. "It's almost over," bitched my brother Steve. "Find something else." The video ended. I was just about to change the channel when the next video popped on - One Step Beyond by Madness. We discovered MTV. And for the next month, until school was back in session, we watched non-stop.

We were treated to videos from all our favorite bands and artists: The Who, The Cars, Cheap Trick, Billy Squier, Elvis Costello, The Pretenders and Talking Heads, just to name a few. But among all of our favorites, we were introduced to new bands, too. Next time we went to Listening Booth or Record Bar, we looked for albums and tapes from Adam & The Ants, The Specials, Psychodelic Furs, Oingo Boingo and other bands that were new to our eyes and ears.

Among all of those videos and bands, the five I've included in this article have always stayed in my memory, simply because that were bat-shit crazy. Low production values. Odd looking front men. Weird music. MTV in the early days did not care about image. They just cared if you had a video. They had 24 hours of programming to fill, so if you had a video, they were happy to play it. As much I worship videos by Devo and Talking Heads, I appreciate these videos for their unabashed weirdness.

#5 Der Kommissar by Falco

After the Fire had the top 40 hit, but Falco had rear projection, Ferrari sunglasses and a funny way of running. His version is the only version as far as I'm concerned. Falco, you left us too soon...

#4 Dog Police by Dog Police

After a couple of years on the air, MTV announced its Basement Tapes competition. Unsigned bands went the DIY route and made their own videos for submission. The winner was supposed to go on to fame and fortune. Dog Police won...that was the last Basement Tapes contest.

#3 I Wanna be a Lifeguard by Blotto
Part B-52s. Part Ventures. That was Blotto. A catchy tune. A memorabl video. A band that should have been bigger. Check out the video for their tune Metal Head. That's a classic, too.

#2 Two Triple Cheese by Commander Cody
"Out comes the waitress with the gorgeous big teeth!" This is the video for b-movie freaks. Singing food. Giant spinning burgers. French fry guitar. Hamburger spaceship. And your host borrowed his name from an old movie seriel. Plus, Bill Kirchen is one of the most underrated guitarists of all time!

#1 One Step Beyond by Madness

"Hey You! Don't watch that, watch this!" One of the coolest instrumentals of all-time. And my favorite video of all-time. Crazy dancing. Working class London settings. Fat guys. Tiny sax. If everyone walked down the street like Madness, the world would be a much better place.