The Pink Scare

Remember the Cold War?  Sure, we all do!  Who could forget the drills during elementary school where pupils were told to stop, drop, rock, and roll whenever a bright poison Mario mushroom would appear in the sky?  I'll tell you who - the British.

"Invaders From Mars" is the re-telling of the incredible true story about the time I woke up at 4 a.m. by a thunderstorm only to find an alien craft slowly crashing into the homemade beach on top of the hill outside of my bedroom window.  Of course, director William Cameron Menzies took some creative license here and there, but what he delivers is a harrowing, surreal, and originally fairly accurate depiction of what went on during those few terrifying summer days back in the early 1950s.  When I say "originally", I'm referring to the initial U.S. release of the film.  A later, recut version was released by the same country who stole french fries, lost to Bret "The Hitman" Hart, and gave us the Spice Girls - "Great" Britain.

Let's focus on the vastly superior U.S. version, since, like all American media, is the most accurate.  The movie wastes no time in letting you know what's going on.  A sexy green spaceship's GPS leads it to Earth and digs itself into the crust, marinating the soil around it to create a camaflouged hideout.  The landing site seduces humans to its location and sucks them underground only to drill mind-controlling little thingies from Radio Shack into their brains and control their every thought.

The first real shock comes when the possessed father, played so elegantly by the founder of Canada's great great grand nephew, Leif Erickson, smacks little mister main character right in the schnoz.  What ensues is a brooding, psychologically blending narrative that doesn't let up; not even after the end credits roll.  In fact, I'm being affected by it right now.

There are lessons abound in this film, but perhaps the most important one is that we should not let foreigners inject their poisonous ideas into our fragile and easily manipulated minds.  Be sure to catch the more philosophical and "confusing" original version of this film, as it is a much more satisfying and gut wrenching experience. 

The Trailer Dump, Issue no.2

Welcome back to The Trailer Dump, honoring all that is glorious about the corny coming attractions of yesteryear. I've dug around the 'net for some of the choicest cuts of meaty cheese, just for you. I've also included the classic intermission bumper, please don't be ashamed if you find yourself singing along with it (I did). One quick warning, the trailer for The Arena is slightly NSFW, with a couple quick nipple slips. I saved it for last, Pam Grier in a Roger Corman sexploitation combat flick.

So without further ado allow me to present:

The Mercenary

What won't he light a match off of?

The Warriors

Can you dig it?

Hands of the Ripper

A Hammer classic.

Intermission!

Why don't you get yourself a car-bon-ated so-da?

The Story of Ricky

Ya got a lotta guts, Oscar!

The Arena

Pam Grier, defiant and untamed!

Check back next week for more schlocky trailers at the Midnight Cheese!

The Disturbing Lack of Nazi Zombies

Zombies, ya know I hate 'em; always coming around trying to eat my flesh and tear my friends limb from limb. Do you know what I hate more though? Nazis, the only other indefensible group that it's always ok to kill. They make a natural pairing, two parts despicable and always threatening. And who doesn't enjoy watching nazi zombies get slaughtered, bashed in and blown to bits? So if the equation makes so much sense, why are there so few films that fit this bill? You've probably seen a few, most likely Shock Waves and Dead Snow. But I'd bet that you'd be hard pressed to name 4 more. The fact is that there are, sadly less than a dozen and many of them take the awesome potential offered by the nazi zombie concept then let it fizzle with a wet whimper; like a fire cracker under water. So let's take a look back to see what went wrong and what's worth watching.

The Pre-Show: A Different Sort of Zombie
These two flicks are pre-Romero and are only loosely zombie films as we define them today, but are worth mentioning as having planted the seeds of what was to come.

Revenge of the Zombies - 1943
John Carradine, father of genre fave David Carradine, plays an evil Nazi scientist named Max, who is resurrecting zombies to serve as warriors for the Third Reich. Everything is honky-dory until his wife dies and he uses his voodoo science magic on her. Unlike the rest of the zombies, she exhibits signs of free will and battles Max for control of the thralls. Glenn Kay interestingly remarks in his book Zombie Movies: The Ultimate Guide that the studios didn't feel, at this point, that the walking dead were interesting enough to carry a movie on their own and so zany subplots about nazis and mad scientists were added. This one is interesting as the prototype nazi zombie flick and for the climactic scene, but outside that it's slow and hasn't aged well. And of course, it doesn't have any of the gore genre fans so demand.

The Frozen Dead - 1967
20 years after the fall of the Third Reich, nazi scientists keep the heads of prominent war leaders frozen until such time as they can reattach them to bodies and take over the world (I hate it when that happens). Of interest here are the science experiments, hapless victims with glass domed heads and wires hooked directly to nerve endings. The zombie makeup is comprised of the standard grey pallor with mussed hair, which is cool as it's clear we've mostly moved on from voodoo zombies. Still the zombies are not what we've become accustomed to, but the torture is ratcheted up from earlier 60s horror films so you might want to check it out. I found the disconnected body parts attempting to be controlled by a severed, electroded head, to be an interesting concept, at least.

First Wave: 80's Zombie Dance Party
Zombies were all the rage by the late 70's and early 80's, so it should come as little surprise that it's this time period that produced the first wave of undead fascists. Sadly, a lot of that wasted potential I mentioned comes from this group. Yup, wasted potential, sounds like the 80's to me.

Shock Waves - 1977
The progenitor of the Nazi Zombie sub genre is also the only good entry in it for over 30 years! A groups of 20-somethings take up pleasure cruising on the yacht of John Carradine. Off the coast of a beautiful tropical island, the ship runs into a strange submerged wreck and the passengers have to take refuge on the seemingly abandoned piece of paradise. In a brilliant piece of location scouting, the mysterious ship that serves as the nazi transport is the real life S.S. Sapona; a concrete transport ship from WWII that had run aground. The group runs into a wickedly scarred Peter Cushing, the nazi commander in charge of an aqua division of zombie shock troopers. Interestingly, once they're unleashed, the zombies act with a purpose and somewhat intelligently. Folks connected with this film (mainly the makeup artist, writer and director) took the lessons they learned in this low budget guilty pleasure and went on to help create Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, Deathdream and Return of the Living Dead part II. Clearly they had a soft, rotting spot for zombies. I won't spoil their secret weakness, but it's not your standard headshot. Shock Waves does everything right and of the films listed here, this is one of the two you should rush right out and see.

Oasis of the Zombies - 1981
The first of the pale imitators hoping to cash in on the relative success of Shock Waves. A group of SS troopers are tasked with moving a large amount of gold across northern Africa. The allies ambush them and between the sides, only one man survives to escape. After he's killed, his son sets out to find the lost treasure. The action here is tepid and the pacing couldn't be any slower. Perhaps director Jess Franco actually discovered time travel after a fashion, because he clearly found a way to make an eighty-two minute film feel as though it was three hours overlong. What passes for action sequences here do nothing to break up the tedium. We watch as teenagers just mill around and talk. We watch as badly made up zombies finally get about their business. We watch this one with friends...over drinks, if at all.

Zombie Lake - 1981
Nubile flesh fans take note: if you've searched high and low for your fill of early 80's tits and ass coupled with undead fascist assholes, this is your film. Here's the plot, such as it is: The French resistance kill a nazi patrol and hide their bodies in a nearby lake. Years later, nubile young girls from the nearby town skinny dip in the lake. This, of course, causes the ghastly Germans to rise from the dead and seek vengeance(and booty). I'm convinced that the setting and title were chosen just as an excuse to shoot the swimming ladies from directly below as they tread water, which is the only pulse pounding action in Zombie Lake. I suppose that might be a little disingenuous of me, there are a few explosions, of the combustion variety. Enjoy it, won't you?

Revenge of the Zombies - 1981
I watched this for you people. Damn you. Ok, here goes. Investigators stumble upon records for the USA's WWII chemical corps. Along the way, they hear rumors regarding left over nazi zombies, in this case, actors with a bad case of blue make-up syndrome. This one isn't even worth watching, not even in the "so bad it's good" vien. The titular zombies only appear in the film for a total of five minutes. This has been a public service announcement, you have been warned.

Revival: Back from the Dead...Again
Zombies fans have had much to rejoice about over the past decade, for never have we had such an unprecedented amount of zombie content released over all forms of media. We've had some great(and bad) comics, video games, movies, tv shows, wall calendars, dolls and way more. So it was only a matter of time before zombies of the WWII variety got the come back treatment. Perhaps after the bad taste left by Oasis of the Zombies, Zombie Lake and Revenge of the Zombies, the world needed a vacation from the Nazi Zombie sub genre. Let's hope that this new round gives a few more choice, meaty selections.

Outpost - 2008
I heard about Outpost from a friend, who assured me it wasn't your standard zombie fare. He wasn't wrong. Outpost is an interesting film which combines uneven parts mercenary action, nazi zombie, occult sci-fi and alternate reality shifting. I owe you an explanation for all that. This British production see a corporate scientist hiring a team of paramilitary mercenaries tasked with escorting him to and from an abandoned WWII Nazi bunker; itself the site of German experiments on their own soldiers. However, things are rarely never as easy as they seem in these films, and the mercs are beset by mysterious enemys, who appear as shadows in the forest. As it turns out, the nazis were working on a generator which would allow their soldiers to shift into alternate dimensions (interestingly, this is something that they really where alleged to have been trying to do). The experiment went wrong, creating dimension shifting, unkillable, vengeful nazi zombies. Perhaps taking a queue from Shock Waves, the rotting meat sacks here aren't slow, mindless gibbering idiots. They're coordinated, fast, stealthy and very lethal. Here's where I'm not so thrilled: while the practical gore effects are really awesome and excellent done, this film falls into the modern trap of using too much CGI gore effects, which I've yet to see really done well in this sort of film. It doesn't ruin the film, but it certainly doesn't make it any better. I recommend giving this one a look, just understand it isn't your standard zombie flick.

Dead Snow - 2009
I'll come right out and say it, this movie is god damned fun. Coming right out of left field (Norway), Dead Snow was clearly made with care by folks who absolutely love the genre. Director Tommy Wirkola and writer Stig Frode Henriksen (who costars in the film as Roy) have crafted a loving homage to the gory, sleazy 80's zombie movie in much the same way Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg did for the Romero zombie style film with Shawn of the Dead. In a nutshell the film involved the cabin vacation hijinx of a cohort of medical students in the frosty mountains of Norway. Little do they know that an evil brigade of nazis had abused and tortured the locals here during World War II for three years, until the villagers rose up and drove them off to die in said freezing mountains. And die they did, but they didn't stay dead, much to our delight. These nazi zombies stay hidden in the snow until a zombie fodder character happens by to stir them. Make no mistake though, this is a zombie gore comedy, with many scenes being played for laughs. There's so much to enjoy here, including a head ripped in half causing a brain to shoot out, an Army of Darkness tool shed arming montage, a Rambo homage, a character so bad ass that he applies duct tape around his neck to stop the bleeding from a chewed up artery and a Norwegian film nerd who does a really spot on Harrison Ford impression. The practical gore effects are artful to behold, truly, nearly everyone ends up with Dead Alive levels of caked on gore. The digital effects, including a man being torn into quarters looks pretty bad though and I really wish they would stick to practical gore effects for these films. So far, Dead Snow is the class of the modern Nazi Zombie film. You need to see this. You need to show this to your friends. This film could become the new Evil Dead Girlfriend Test.

The 4th Reich - in post production
As of this publication, The 4th Reich is slated to come out later this year. It's interesting in two ways. First, it's a period piece, actually set during WWII. It follows a group of G.I.'s during Operation Overlord. Secondly, its got a fairly decently sized budget. That could either be excellent, if the right creative juices are behind it or it could be terrible, as with the Star Wars prequels: where lack of financial constraint allowed George Lucas cartblanche, to disastrous effect. Speaking of dictators, Hitler has charged his scientists and doctors with creating a new race of soldiers who can't be stopped by the Allies and will usher in the titular successive Reich. It sounds like our G.I. chums will have to combat the undead, stop the project and save the world. Keep an eye out for this one later this year.

So there you have it, over fourty years of zombie films since Romero revolutionized them and only nine Nazi Zombie flicks (seven since then, two before). Somehow, I can't help feeling we've been loosing out. Hopefully, before this wave of zombie love tapers off, we'll get a little more love for these fascist brain munchers.

Did I miss any? Let me know!

The Trailer Dump, Issue no.1

If you're like me, then the preview of coming attractions is an integral part of any movie screening. It's something that would be missed if absent. And in the case of cheesy movies of yesteryear, it's usually hysterically funny. I'm not going to wax philosophical regarding the history or story of movie trailers (at least not right now). I'm just going to get out of your way and let the trailers fly. Enjoy.

Don't Look In The Basement - 1973

Let's Scare Jessica to Death - 1971

1990:The Bronx Warriors - 1982

Intermission!

Starcrash- 1978

Don't Go in the House - 1980

What's your favorite retro trailer?

You've Got Redneck on You - An Exploitative Review!!

Redneck Miller (1977)

Directed by: John Clayton

Ex-Fest 2011, film #5 (Rednexsploitation)

There are two distinct facts I learned from DJ Miller - the ass kicking, Schlitz sipping, record spinning good ole boy who can make any woman’s panties drop with his cocksure swagger. One – You can’t argue with a bullet. And two - The forced and nonconsensual sex of your partner by her captors is not an effective tool for bargaining or torture. Simply put by this Down South Confucius, “You can take a lot of lovin’, but I can only get killed once.”

In those few words, DJ has successfully rationalized rape. Not only does she accept it… but so do you!

Redneck Miller (1977) stars Geoffrey Land as the titular DJ. He’s an early morning radio host, playing requests and easing the morning traffic with his scratchy, baritone voice. His love for the ladies is only matched by his affection for his “wheels.” When his chopper gets used in a theft of narcotics, he’s wrongfully accused and held responsible for the missing “stuff.” Why it’s always referred to as stuff, with huge emphasis on all the fricatives is anyone’s guess.

What follows are a string of random encounters, coincidences and empty beer cans that lead to DJ’s truck and chopper being held until he comes up with the missing stuff. Shoot at him, chase him down, kidnap him…hell, you can even threaten to rape his concubine- none of that fazes him. But if you steal his ride(s), his field of vision narrows like a sniper’s sight on the target.

What makes all of this special for the viewer is that this turn doesn’t happen until the very end of the second act, which means the audience is treated to over an hour of aimless and clichéd awesome before a secondary inciting incident is even established. If the idea of no plot development for nearly an hour bother’s you, you’re stupid, because DJ Miller is the most entertaining redneck this side of the Mason-Dixon.

Director John Clayton has brought us the “reverse racism” equivalent to 1970s blaxploitation era of cinema. Redneck-sploitation, if you will. Miller is an unapologetic male slut who doesn't discriminate who gets his fist or wiener (some circumstance may call for both). He's an equal opportunity asshole, caring deeply only for his pick-up and chopper. It's a simple existence, but it's his "un-mol-ested" one.

The audience is torn on Miller for the majority of the picture. He's clearly a terrible human being, but you can't help but get carried away in his utterly selfish exploits. All in all, this film is lightning in a bottle. If you put exploitation cinema in the grinder with racial stereotypes, country music, They Live style fist fights, a convoluted plot and a shit load of pull tab Shlitz beer cans, you've got the masterpiece that is Redneck Miller.

So remember, next time some jive talking turkeys with names like Super Mack and Preacher (just try to guess their ethnicities) have you dead to rights and feeling up on your lady... She can take a lot of lovin,' but you can only get killed once. It's the least she can do, right?

eX-Fest 2011 eXplored

This past Saturday, I had the amazing pleasure of attending eX-Fest, twelve hours devoted to tasting the many flavors of the exploitation genre, thanks to the dudes at Exhumed Films. If you are from the Philadelphia metropolitan area and reading this, you've probably heard of them and likely have been to a show. For the uninitiated, Exhumed Films is a group dedicated to obtaining and screening (mostly) horror films to crowds that love them, that "get it" (mostly), and that keep coming back. They must be doing something right; they've been putting together successful shows since 1997. While they have in the past held mini marathons (I miss you Fulci-Fest) and in the present have gone crazy will full blown 24 hour marathons, these have always been predominantly horror based. eX-Fest aimed to be different, it aimed to explore as many non-horror subsets of the exploration genre in one sitting that any patron could absorb. Before I delve into detailing what unspooled before us that day, I'd like to throw a hearty "thank you" to the Exhumed crew in general and to Harry Guerro specifically for searching for prints of these films and putting this rare bill together. I can't unknown know what you showed me.

Now to the meat of the day. eX-Fest served us a buffet of seven dished, each from a different style. We were given our only clues before the projectors started running, as to what we were about to see. In order, they were: Spaghetti western (that was made in Spain instead of Italy), Italian revenge, "Travolta-sploitation", black-sploitation (by way of the Philippines), Hick-spoitation, Kung-Fu and sexploitation. Some entries where stronger than others, but all of them were damned entertaining. I would be remiss not to mention the excellent vintage trailers between some of the films. As a tribute, I've included some of the trailers for the main features.

Taco-Spaghetti Western - Cut-Throats Nine - 1972
AKA: Bronson's Revenge
Fairly standard gruff fare here: a chain gang of gold mine workers being transported by a handful of army guards who are ambushed and killed, all save one. How he and his daughter, along with the convicts, escape the wintery mountains on foot is what makes up the bulk of this films. No real spoiler here: there's a metric shit ton of walking. When the convicts figure out that their binding chain is made of gold, well then things really get interesting. What should be of interest to genre fans is how the killings are handled. Each murder is close up, special effects gory beyond reason, with a knife wound to the gut including close ups of someone trying to hold guts in or bullets to the face forcing a jelly eyeball out. This is not your daddy's western where someone is shot, grabs their gut and simply falls over. While it has a lot going for it, there are some pacing issues and it runs slow in a few places. It was a good choice to lead with this though, as later in the lineup, it may have been to jarring and brought everything to a screeching halt. Cut Throats Nine was released on DVD but appears to be out of print currently. Check out the trailer below.

Italian Revenge Actioner - No Way Out - 1973
AKA: Tony Arzenta: Big Guns
The talented Alain Delon stars as Tony Arzenta in this well done entry in the brutal revenge sub genre. He's an assassin for the Italian mafia who has had enough and wants out, in order to give his son a better life. While his boss is sympathetic, it's not as though one can just walk away. So a bomb is planted in Arzenta's car. Unfortunately, his wife and son decide to borrow the family car for a jaunt to Whole Foods and Kaboom! No more better life for little Arzenta Jr. (unless he meant for his son's better life to be as a side of beef). What does a jilted assassin do in just such a situation? Goes a vengeance laden rampage, of course. The scene is thus set for thrilling car chases, slick gunplay and even a wicked surprise knifing. Delon delivers cool guy action and quippy one liners with equal skill and this flick was certainly the best made of the eX-Fest films show. Here's another one that is sadly lacking a home video release. Check out the trailer:

Travolta-sploitation - The Face with Two Left Feet - 1979
AKA: The Lonely Destiny of John Travolto
And here we have the mythical movie of the show, the film that, try as one might, you will never be able to clearly explain it to friends. They had to be there. It's an exploitation film only in the sense that it totally exploits the fact that John Travolta was totally popular in Saturday Night Fever. This is the joke around which the entire film revolves. For all ninety minutes. Seriously. Allow me to explain.
The Face with Two Left Feet concerns the adventures of a cabal of teens who all work together at a hotel in Italy. After work, they head out to the discoteca, a club named John's Fever(yup), where the shy member of their group, Gianni, has a crush on Ilona, the hottie DJ. The group finds out that their Idol (Travolta) is going to be staying at the hotel and hatch a plan. You see, it just so happens that if given some massive manscaping and a wardrobe change, Gianni is a dead ringer for Travolta (for who. Ilona pines). So much so that I had to ask a friend if I missed his name in the credits and he was lampooning himself. This flick manages to mix equal parts Scooby-Doo, Ski Patrol and Saturday Night Fever into something that shouldn't be good but is so undeniably entertaining that it is a god damned crime that it isn't available to own. Its so rare, in fact, that there's barely any mention of it on the Internet. Here, friends, is proof that I am not insane. Watch this clip on YouTube, even though it's in Spanish, and cackle with glee.

Blackspoitation - Savage! - 1973
AKA: Black Valor
Here it is folks, your chance to watch the plight of the African American as understood and told by film makers from the Philippines. While it is a Blackspoitation film, Savage! has less of the outrages tropes of the genre than a lot of it's contemporaries, which I suppose is because it isn't from an American film studio. I felt like this was the least entertaining of the eX-Fest films, but it's not fair to call it a bad film, it isn't. Savage! is a sufficient action piece with an interesting political message, but honestly, that isn't why you're watching. You want to see some jive turkey mother fuckers. And, fear not friends, you sure do. I do want to point out how awesomely righteous the poster is for this flick. Take a good look. James Iglehart as Savage never wears an outfit like that or wields either of those guns. Gotta love exploitation advertising.

Hick-sploitation - Redneck Miller -1977
Oh man Redneck Miller. This is part of a rare genre, seldom seen as far north and east as Philadelphia. It's the tale of a man and his wheels, which he prefers remain unmolested. Something which we can all sympathize with. Unfortunately, someone is seen boosting the heroin drop of local black mafia boss, Super Mack, while riding on Miller's custom motorcycle. On the surface, there might not seem to be a lot going on here, but let's dig a little deeper. You see, Miller is a local country station disc jockey who spends his days shagging the wives of all the local dudes, unfazed by pretty much anything, except having his wheels molested. Super Mack actually has insecurities when it comes to women, a vulnerability that, while hysterical given his outer behavior, is completely unheard of in cinema of the time. And it comes in a southern made hicksploitation film. Ponder that a second. Ok, enough deep shit, the following is actually uttered by Miller to one of his groupies after he drives off Super Mack (who'd threatened to rape her): "Two things baby: I can't out talk a bullet and you've got a lot of lovin' in you, I can only die once."

Kung-Fu - 5 Fingers of Death - 1972
AKA: Iron Palm
Oh man was I ever excited when this started to unspool on the screen! I haven't seen 5 Fingers of Death since I was ten. It's one of my favorites for two reasons. The first is the basic premise of two feuding schools of fighters battling it out before a big tournament allows for so much embellishment, so much interesting side action. The second is that I really wanted to be the head butting guy when I was little (what can I say, it was during my head butting phase). The fighting choreography here is excellent and it's not hard to see why this is considered the first big international Kung-Fu film. The excitement builds through many levels and I found myself cheering out loud during several battles; I felt like a little kid again. Of the movies shown at eX-Fest, this was the most well known, easily. While some might begrudge the Exhumed Films crew for choosing it, I say that it's important to balance the schedule evenly and not simply fill it completely with unknowns. The entire film is available to watch on You Tube. For now, to sate your hunger, here is the trailer:

Sexsploitation - The Other Cinderella - 1977
I'd never seen this before but I was glad to end the day on a high note, with something exciting to help keep me up after a long day. Ah puns. Before you write is off as a depraved porno (which it sort of is), you should give me a chance to explain. The Other Cinderella is a soft core, skinemax style 70s porno, sure, but it's so much more. Consider it this way: it's a soft core porno musical comedy. Emphasis on musical comedy. It's like an early Mel Brooks comedy, with musical numbers and copious amounts of nudity. It is seriously a riotous good time. Especially good is Sy Richardson as the flaming thief turned fairy godmother who grants Cinderella (I shit you not), her very own snapping pussy, which the prince must fit, along with the glass slipper, to find his queen. The audience was rolling the whole time as the campy, raunchy jokes came continuously. (bu-dum-ching!)

On top of getting to watch these rare gems of exploitation with a mass of fellow fans, the day also included many awesome genre trailers, posters and t-shirts, prizes and beer! This was a day not to miss. Keep your eye on Exhumed Fims' website or Facebook page for more crazy events, include their next show Go Ape!, which will feature all 5 real Planet of the Apes films.