Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence

Noel Bartocci felt the very strong urge to contribute. As on who is often taken by strong urges, I totally endulged him. Please enjoy his review of the second Human Centipede flick.


If this movie had a face I would want to fucking punch it.


Too much? Let me explain.


This movie is offensively terrible. Not offensive because of the graphic violence. Not offensive because of the deplorable characters and the acts against humanity. Not even offensive because of the baby killing, explosive diarrhea, or sand paper masturbation scenes. No, this movie is offensive because it thinks you, the viewer, is a fucking moron.


This movie isn't just trying too hard, the opposite, in fact. It doesn't try hard enough to be more than what it is, but desperately thinks it is (are you following me). Worse yet, make it black and white, throw some disturbing images in there and call it "art." Fuck that. Substance is required and the only substance this movie deals with is shit. Literally.


Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence is the film (I use the term 'film' real loosely) in question. I probably should have lead with that, but I got ahead of myself. I get upset when I think of it, so kudos to you, writer/director Tom Six. You've succeeded in penetrating my common nomenclature. Sure. It isn't very flattering, but any press is good press, right? Thats the only reason why this flick and it's predecessor have any traction. Face it, you've made career out of "grossing people out." Worse than Jackass, though. They have a sense of humor about it and I seriously doubt their exploits stoop to extreme sexual depravity.

Much like this article, my thoughts on the movie are constantly interrupted by how much I was taken aback by it's intention. Yes, intention. Every movie has an intention. Whether it's to inform, inspire, entertain, or explain, there's always a reason. Even the most ignorantly produced flicks merely aspire to coax a smile from the viewer (like every SyFy original picture ever made). This movie's intention is debatable, I suppose. I have no idea, really what they intended to tell us.


The set up is inspiring, creating a situation where the first film doesn't have to be seen (in fact, I still haven't). HC2:FS follows a grotesquely shaped and always sweaty parking attendant with a mother that blames him for his father's sexual abuse. Our "hero" has an unnatural obsession with this movie called Human Centipede. Yes, this sequel is in the "real world" while the first film is in "movieland." Self-important move number one, but not a deal breaker. It seemed to be a very brave and bold storytelling choice, catapulted by the first film's global reception. The idea of this movie being informed by the so called despicable first film. Imagine if someone WAS sadistaically inspired by the first film. It's a great idea. One of two fun ideas that the movie has. The other is a fun inclusion of an actress featured in part one. All the good will derived from these choices is lost by the shitty that follows.


I've already written too much about this movie and getting into the actual details of plot is a losing battle. If you decide to watch this flick, go for it. Just know that you are about to embark on 100 minutes of a film-school-hack's self importance being flickered on the screen. This movie is going to talk down to you and when you point out a hole in plot, motivation, or sense, it'll claim it was intentional and mock you for not "getting it" because it's "art." Quit fucking around, Mr. Six. No one gets it because there's nothing there. Calling this a horror movie or thriller is like calling a porno romantic comedy or erotic drama (no offense to porn). Hell, at least porn knows what it is and embraces it. I can't say the same for this.

 

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The Trailer Dump, Issue No. 17

Well, holy hell! I've got some delicious fare for you this week. There's something for everyone here, including sexy 70's babes, horrific gore, delightful drive-in fare and nostalgia aplenty. Enjoy!

 

Chuck Francisco is a columnist for Mania writing Saturday Shock-O-Rama, the weekly look into classic cult, horror and sci-fi. He is a horror co-host of two monthly film series at the world famous Colonial Theatre in Phoenixville, PA (home of 1958's 'The Blob'): First Friday Fright Nights and Colonial Cult Cinema.You can delve further into his love of all things weird and campy on his blog, The Midnight Cheese or hear him occasionally guesting on eminent podcast You've Got Geek.

 

Top 3 David Carradine Characters

A lot of ideas spooled up and whipped past the front and center of my mind this past week whilst I was penning my tribute to lost actor David Carradine for my column on Mania.com (handy link). Unfortunately, many of them didn't fit the context of that article and could not be included. Luckily I've got the Midnight Cheese to catch those left over vitals, which I've chosen to sautée and serve to you in list form. On the third anniversary of his early exit, stage right, here are my top three favorite characters played by David Carradine. If you've already read this week's Shock-O-Rama, none of this will come as any great surprise (though the ordering arrangement most).

Frankenstein (Deathrace 2000 - 1975)

While I consider Deathrace 2000 the most influential of Carradine's films on me personally, the character he plays here is not my absolute favorite. What isn't to love through about a man who's supposed to have been rebuilt more than Darth Vader when really he's just the newest in a line of trained and costumed imitators? He's sort of like Elvis, if an impersonator secretly took his place each time he died. I want you to seek this film out and so I won't spoil too much here. Let me just say that Frank has the oddest hand grenade ever captured on film thus far.

The Blind Man (Circle of Iron - 1978)

This is only one of four roles played by Carradine in this cinematic instruction manual on eastern philosophy. The Blind Man is most certainly a huge inspiration for the title character of Tarantino's Kill Bill films. He plays a large bamboo flute, which doubles as an effective weapon; he speaks in the seer sing song of riddles and unknowable truthes; and he is much deadlier that he ever comes off in both appearance and conversation. I gave Circle of Iron it's own write up here. Check it out and then see the film.

Bill (Kill Bill Vol. 2 - 2004)

Being the collected embodiment of all of his cult characters who'd come before, there's no way it could be anyone else but Bill. Every monologue delivered is classic Carradine, here movement measured and ever frame showcases another of the hundred ways which he's just so fucking cool. The scene where he plays the flute while telling the bride a tale is one of my favorite committed to film.

So celebrate the legacy, watch an awesome flick and tell you friends about just how bitchin' rad David Caaradine was.

 

The Trailer Dump, Issue No. 16

Greetings and salutations my macabre minions! I bring you tidings of goodness and joy (if you derive goodness from bad ass black bikers and joy from zombie flesh eaters). I've been scouring Archive.org for all things drive-in nostalgia flavored, tossed it into a mixing bowl with some wacked out trailers and set the machine to frappe. I hope you enjoy the gore soaked hell out of it; please hit me with some feed back so I can better enhance your viewing pleasure.

 

There are a few quick notices I wanted to bring you up speed on. I'm going to be scaling back to two weekly 'Cheese updates. The reason for that is because I've been so involved in other projects that you wouldn't be getting the best from me and I love ya too much to give you the scraps, dear readers. The good news is that you can catch both writings and rumblings from me in these other projects as well as here at The Midnight Cheese.

My weekly column on Mania.com, Saturday Shock-O-Rama, should tickle your midnight fancy and is updated every Saturday morning. This past week's piece is on the gory Kung-fu slapstick flick, Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky.

Cinedelphia.com features new movie reviews from me. Here's my piece on The Woman in Black. My musings on Men in Black 3 should be up on Friday.

I'm also a sometimes personality on the excellent podcast, You've Got Geek, which is released weekly and has all your nerd needs covered.