The 31Days of Halloween: Day 12

Halloween is the best time of the year. It's a wonderfully indulgent time, where your inner ghoul is given societal license to be put on display. To celebrate it to it's wicked fullest, the Midnight Cheese will be posting every day in October with excellent ways to enjoy the season. Whether it's horror films, video games, books or activities, check back every day for some new Halloween fun.

How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith

Some of you might wonder why I waited this far into October to present the one book which might increase the survival rate of those who have unfortunately become trapped within a horror film. "Don't you want everyone to survive this Halloween season, Chuck?" No. What sort of horror film would this be if everyone made it? Survival of the fittest, which in this case is the horror nerds.



How to Survive a Horror Movie came at the tail end of the "How to Survive ______" crazy of pocket sized books. You might recall every subjected imaginable had one, from college, to marriage, to action movies and more. They were good for a laugh but none of them were important and meaningful in the way this book is. You see, if you've accidentally stepped into the terrorverse (The universe all horror films reside in) your chance to survive is approaching nil.

That's where Seth Grahame-Smith comes in. You might have seen his name attached to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies or Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, the latter of which should be required reading for all horror and vampire-o-files. Here he takes you step by step, explaining the rules of the Terrorverse and how to identify if you've become trapped in it. Once you ascertain that, the individual sub-genres are divided into separate chapters. So we get into detail on slasher killers, inanimately evil objects of death, ghosts/zombies/reanimated denizens, out of this world aliens and monstrous beasts(vampires, mummies, wolfmen, Oprah) then we finish up with demons, satanic rituals and the devil.

Each of these topics are handled with such excellent wit, tongue firmly planted in cheek. The situational examples are all from very famous horror films, without calling them out by name. Much of the fun I have is quizzing my wife to see if she can figure out which reference comes from which film. It's blatantly obvious that Mr. Grahame-Smith is an enormous horror nerd himself and he takes great pains to craft a book which we would all love.

Illustrations are peppered throughout, they're fantastic and stylish- contributing to the built in camp factor. If you're looking for an inexpensive Halloween present or a fun book on horror with a lot of mileage, you really need How to Survive a Horror Movie. It's compulsory reading in my household, except for my cats. If they could read it, I'd have to reference chapter 3 and we'd have a problem.

The 31 Days of Halloween: Day 2

Halloween is the best time of the year. It's a wonderfully indulgent time, where your inner ghoul is given societal license to be put on display. To celebrate it to it's wicked fullest, the Midnight Cheese will be posting every day in October with excellent ways to enjoy the season. Whether it's horror films, video games, books or activities, check back every day for some new Halloween fun.

Book: The Zombie Survival Guide

By Max Brooks

This book lives right next to my official U.S. Army Survival Manual in my library. It's that important. There's an interesting and quite telling story about the placement of this book at retailers, which I'd heard years ago: Max Brooks (son of Mel) heard the booksellers placed his work in the comedy sections of their stores. He immediately contacted his publisher and demanded it be moved to the self help/non-fiction section, as surviving the zombie apocalypse is no laughing matter. I love this guy.

True to his stance in this story, Brooks considers everything from a realistic point of view. What weapons are best due to ease of use, availability and durability, what mode of transportation should you use (noise attracts the undead and cars require fuel), even where you should flee to depending on what size classification of outbreak you are stuck in. It's all here, all of those nerd-case-scenarios that you and your friends discuss ad nauseam, here and scientifically dissected for reliability and survivability.

Brooks came to the idea of writing this guide after touring colleges as a public speaker, with real weapons as examples. And his book even follows the expected guide formula. There is an outbreak journal in the back, where you can record all the historically important details for posterity, in case you don't make it (you probably won't). There's also a fantastic appendix which details all suspected recorded outbreaks throughout history. As you might have expected, a Roman Legion had the most success in putting down a larger scale outbreak, due to their extreme regimental training and tactics. You'll see this again if you read his followup book World War Z. In it, the most effective tactic for armies is to form into outward facing squares, with replacements behind for breaks.

With Halloween being the most likely time for the dead to walk the earth, I figured you deserved a chance to live. Pick this up, zombie hunters, and live to fight another day.

Don't Neglect Christine

Mention the name John Carpenter around horror nerds and you're libel to be subjected to their top ten list of his films in short order. This shouldn't come as a shock, the man's been a visionary staple of the horror genre for almost forty years. While the 70's play host to his largest hit (Halloween), the 80's where his busiest decade. With The Fog, Escape from New York and The Thing behind him and Big Trouble in Little China, Starman, Prince of Darkness and The Live all yet to come, Carpenter brought a little 50's muscle car to silver screen in 1983 that would kill you for neglecting her.

Christine is an adaptation of the CONCEPT of a Stephen King novel (which was not yet completed at the time of filming) brought to film by by John Carpenter but sharing only characters, locations and general concepts with the source material. The long and short details Christine, a custom 1958 Plymouth Fury, with a cherry "Ford Red" paint job, who isn't even off the assembly line before managing to murder while playing 50's rock and roll. Cute concept.

And now we're pulled forward to the "modern times" of rich suburban California of the 1980's and introduced to Arnie and Dennis. The former being an awkward nerd without a ride, the later being a popular football star who drives a 70's Charger. Despite the differences Arnie and Dennis are best friends, which is pretty refreshing given how infrequently that seems to happen in movies.

During one uneventful drive home, after being beaten by shop class bullies, our duo notice a rusted out, weather worn and junk yard destined Christine, for sale on an overgrown lawn. The car has a nasty history of death, but Dennis flat out cannot talk Arnie out of purchasing her. From this point forward, Arnie becomes a progressively different person as he spends almost a month repairing her to cherry condition.

It's fascinating to watch the parasitic relationship develop, as Christine reacts to any slights to herself or Arnie with acts of violence. She reacts to Arnie's girlfriend as though she was a jilted lover. And she enacts merciless vengeance on the shop class bullies who trashed her. At the same time, Arnie transforms into a cocky, arrogant punk with a wardrobe shift to a 50's greaser aesthetic and an obsessive compulsion that would make Gollum say "damn that dude's got some issues".

The most fascinating cinematography takes place during the famous Christine self repair scene. It's a bad ass moment, kicked off by Arnie's complete admittance that Christine is sentient, phrased as such succinct punctuation to the moment. "Show me." With that Christine, who was trashed to totaled, repairs herself completely in a miraculous display that should amaze and frighten. Though, of course, Arnie isn't sane enough at this point to be afraid. I first saw this film when I was six or seven; this scene left me in awe. It's still striking, even this morning when I watched it again. No CGI folks. Without the aid of the 'net, I challenge you to figure out how they did this.

I'm not trying to tell you that this is a better film than The Thing or any other Carpenter film you have a filthy obsession with (Ghosts of Mars? Really dude?). All I'm suggesting is that, when next you whip out your Carpenter top 10 list, you give Christine some attention. If you don't, she'll find you.

Chuck's Top 10 Horror Films of the Last Decade

Marvin the Macabre from The Montana Mancave Massacre put out a Bat Signal, requesting top 10 lists from the internet's horror-sphere. Below is my personal list, not that of the Entire Midnight Cheese crew. Some of them may also post theirs, I know Noel is working on his.

Before we get started, I just want to admit that this was not easy. I picked movies on two different factors: did they scare me and/or did I have fun watching them. I'm sure you'll disagree, but I've got the floor so just sip your latte and sit there captain mocha pants.

#10 - Freddy vs Jason - 2003
Directed by Ronny Yu

I don't want to hear it, ok? I waited my entire adolescence for this film to happen and you know what? It was fucking awesome. Sure the teenage characters where generic and forgettable, but you know they aren't at all why you went to see this movie. Robert Englund is at the top of his Freddy game. The only lamentable point is the lack of Kane Hodder as Jason.

#9 - Dawn of the Dead - 2004
Directed by Zach Snyder

Yeah the remake. Does it stand up to Romero's instrumental classic? Absolutely not, it's not even in the same league. However, when you judge it on it's own merits, it's a fun zombie ride. The cast is great, the action starts nearly right away and the credits sequence is satisfying, to say the least.

#8 - Rammbock: Berlin Undead - 2010
Directed by Marvin Kren

I wrote about it here. It's very Romero inspired and it does it right. While it has a short running time, ever minute is engaged to full effect. The best zombie film of 2010.

#7 - 28 Days Later - 2002
Directed by Danny Boyle

It would have been hard to have this list without this masterpiece, as so many of my favorites are zombie flicks and this is the movie that brought the sub genre back from the dead. That's funny to consider when you realize that there aren't any zombies in 28 Days Later! (the dead do not rise in the movie, do they smart ass?)

#6 - Land of the Dead - 2005
Directed by George Romero

His first entry in the Dead series since 'Day in '85 has a social message more meaningful today, six years later, than it did on release. Here we have the absolutely filthy wealthy, living in secluded luxury, while the rest of the surviving human population all live in slums. They're all surrounded by zombies, but the rich aren't any worse off for it and could care less even though the world outside has ended. And, oh yeah, it's a great zombie movie too.

#5 - [REC] - 2007
Directed by - Jaume Balaguero

[REC] is a first person perspective demon/zombie movie from Spain. Set inside a small, old apartment building that has been sealed off by the government, we see through the eyes of a TV reporter's camera man. It's awesome, it's creepy and it scared the crap out of me. It was remade a year later as Quarantine for American audiences, who where judged too stupid to see a subtitled movie. See the real movie.

#4 - Grindhouse - 2007
Directed by - Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez

So I'm cheating a bit, but I saw this as it was meant to be: as on long experience, replete with cheesy trailers and snipes and clocking in at over 3 hours long. I refused to purchase it on home video, even though I loved every minute of it, until it was available in it's original form, last year. This is fun, this is entertainment, more than anything, this "gets it".

#3 -Paranormal Activity - 2007, released 2009
Directed by - Oren Peli

The Internet is rife with stupid man-babies in an echo chamber who think they are movie critics and all believe that they hate this film, most sight-unseen. I'll admit that it's the least technically proficient film in this list, no question. However, it scared me like no other movie this decade. It's effective, it's frightening and it does exactly what a horror film is supposed to.

#2 - Trick 'r' Treat - 2007
Directed by Michael Dougherty

Shelved for two years, then released direct to DVD, this anthology film channels the delightful macabre of the Tales from the Crypt and Creepshow series'. It revels in dishing out comeuppance and is wicked fun. Its been added to my yearly Halloween watch list as it embodies the spirit of that day more than any other film I can think of. It's a travesty what Warner Brothers did to it's release and it's robbed it from it becoming a yearly sequel release, as the director intended.

#1 - Shaun of the Dead - 2004
Directed by Edgar Wright

Where do I start on the subject of this Rom-Com-Zom? (romantic comedy with zombies). For starters, it lovingly lifts from and homages to all things Romero. It's witty, it's charming, it's hysterically funny. And its full of bloody zombies. I've watched this movie dozens of times and love it every time. It clicks on all wavelength and is, in my opinion, the best horror flick this past decade.

So there you have it, you may disagree but I want to know your list. Reply in the comments so I can check it out.

A Match Made in a Cabin in the Woods

Allow me to take on the role of your life's screenwriter and set the scene: you've recently met a delightful young lady (or handsome dude) with whom you seem to get along very well. Sure, you've gone on a date or two, but before you really go head over heels, you'd like to be completely certain that they're the one (at least among the two or perhaps top three). But how can you be certain? How can you remove that seed of doubt?

Why, by using the Evil Dead Girlfriend Test. "What the hell?" (you say to no one in particular). It's true that in the before time, the long-long ago, we horror nerds had to resort to developing our own unique methods for weeding out the worthy from the wanting. It wasn't easy. We didn't have eHarmony and Match doing the dirty work for us with their overhyped compatibility tests. In the 90's, horror freaks needed someone to look to in this darkest hour, someone they could trust, someone like Bruce Campbell.

"Ok, sure, that's a bunch of fancy words you wrote, but what the heck is it anyway?"

Quite simply if you have someone you believe is worthy of the next of commitment, dating, it behooves you to sit down with them and watch the 1987 masterpiece, Evil Dead 2. I know you've watched like a gajillion times. I know you wore out a VHS version and that you likely own four different DVD copies. But this isn't about you, nerd face, it's about your potential beau. So fire up that entertainment center, get some popcorn and expose this lucky contestant to what Mr. Raimi has to offer. (by the way, that line begs to enter the lexicon as a dirty euphemism)

This part should come easy, since you've already seen Evil Dead 2 enough times to quote it; you need to watch and observe your potential partner's reactions (and not quote the movie back verbatim. Believe it or not, that makes you really annoying. That was an extra nickel's worth of free advice from Mr. Strickland). There are two things to look for at this point. The first is disgust. If Evil Dead 2 makes your date disgusted or bored, you might be better off as friends with benefits, because you probably won't make it in the long run, but that shouldn't stop two sweaty nerds from having a good time in the sack. Tell tale signs of not enjoying one of the most enjoyable films of all time include but are not limited to "What the hell is this?" "That's not funny!" or "This is fucking stupid". If he/she says the latter, you're allowed to punch them in kidneys (in every state but Utah; Bruce Campbell could give two shits about Utah).

How do you know you're in the gold? Laughter is a good sign. So are smiles and smirks. They might even tell you it was awesome or thank you for exposing them to it. In any of these cases, you can now be certain that it's safe to move on to the next level of dating with complete certainty. It is recommended that you conduct further testing if the relationship is likely to go further.

I subjected tested my wife with a successive series of films prior to even dating her. If I recall correctly, the sequence was Evil Dead 2-The Beyond-shots of vodka-Riki Oh.

"I can find "shots of vodka" on IMDB" you say. Thanks jerk. The point to be had here is that my wife and I have been together 10 years and it's clearly thanks to Bruce Campbell. 'Cheese contributor Noel suggested I add testimonials to strengthen my writing. So I approached my wife about it. She rolled her eyes and went back to what she was doing. Oh yeah nerds, it totally works.