Welcome to (another) FRIGHT NIGHT!

Much to the chagrin of purists all over the country, Fright Night, the beloved 1986 horror comedy has been remade. Much to the pleasure of this reviewer, it wasn’t half bad. Actually, it was pretty good.

We live in an odd time, a time of rehashes, retreads and remakes. It’s especially an odd time for me because this current influx of projects effects my childhood directly. Tron, Conan, Apes, comic book adaptations, Indiana Jones, Star Wars Special Editions… it doesn’t end. It’s like some cosmic power is slowly updating, and in many cases degrading, all the things I found entertaining in my most formative years.

Now comes a remake of one of those hidden gems of the 80s, Fright Night. It’s the story of a precocious teen, Charley Brewster, and a sudden obstacle of a vampire, Jerry Dandridge, moving next door to him and his single mother. Charley enlists the help of a television horror host, Peter Vincent (think Elvira without breasts), a relic of what he once was. Together they have to save the whole neighborhood and Charley’s girl from Jerry’s evil clutches.

Most people reading are familiar with the charm of the first film, a horror first and comedy within the characters reactions and interactions. What transcends it’s dated sensibilities and production values are the strong performances and tight scripting. These are genuinely believable people in a genuinely fantastic situation. The viewer begins to believe them in earnest, which makes this journey into the supernatural all the more harrowing. In this new iteration, will all those qualities that lie beyond the basic vampire presence that makes this film a classic remain intact?

I’m happy to report that it hits the mark more than it misses. This is a fun retread of past events that, for the most part, remains true in form and spirit to its predecessor. Having recently re-watched the original did not diminish any enjoyment of this one. The broad strokes remain the same, save for a few tweaks to some characters’ motivations.

In the 2011 edition, Charley Brewster is relatively unlikeable at the start. He is charming and witty, but we know early on that he ostracized himself from his childhood best friends in a

n effort to fit in. It’s a dick move, but one that is oddly understandable when you start to think of the cruelty of modern teenagers. It’s ‘adapt to survive,’ and Charley is choosing to do so regardless of the bonds he breaks.

Jerry Dandridge is a vampire that in a way is the extreme example of the lifestyle that Charley has recently adopted. He moves in, builds a hive, feeds and refills his ranks. He is a creature driven by survival and basic id needs that just happens to know how to pull off acting like a man. The animalistic and sexy Collin Farrell replaces the regal and passionate Chris Sarandon. Farrell’s Dandridge is not “better,” but it serves this version’s purpose so successfully, it’s acceptable. Sarandon excited and enticed his prey, Ferrell intrigues and stalks it. Both methods effective and ultimately are a joy to watch.

Perhaps the biggest change comes in the characterization of Peter Vincent, here a Criss Angel-like illusionist with his own Vegas act and television show. Touted as an expert in the occult, Vincent is cited as a source of knowledge long before he is even introduced in the film. When he finally is, Charley gets something a little different than what he bargained for.

Vincent is a washed out drunkard at the top of his game career wise, but has hit rock bottom personally. He loathes his existence and masks it with bravado and trinkets. Once a believer, he’s now jaded. David Tenant chews on the scenery with ease. Charley inadvertently brings Jerry & company directly to Vincent’s doorstep, which leads to one of the more clever action sequences of the film. It’s fight or flight for this Peter and some will be surprised by his initial response.

Director Craig Gillespie and writer Marti Noxton have preserved the emotional resonance and character driven appeal of the original. The changes are mostly cosmetic and products of the time period, but tonally and pacing-wise, the remake and its predecessor are eerily similar.

Fright Night 2011 is not the abomination on your childhood like Darth Vader screaming “NO” obviously seems to be. Independently of the 1986 flick, it’s a throwback vampire movie set in our time. The rules remain the same such as - sunlight, stakes, no reflections, etc. No sparkling marble or mind readers. These vampires are old school and a lot less lovey dovey.

When compared to the still fun original, I can see how some would find this version unnecessary. I, however, disagree. I thoroughly enjoyed it, like a fresh coat of paint on the wooden roller coaster. It’s still a classy thrill ride it just looks shinier now. Some people will gravitate towards the nostalgia, while others will be drawn to the glossy. Either way, they’re both getting their moneys worth.

The Trailer Dump, Issue No. 8

During the Rainpocalypse of Hurricane Irene, I over indulged in the deliciously over the top trailers of yesteryear. Here are a few choice cuts for your consumption and, of course, a bit sized vintage drive-in intermission bumper. Enjoy.

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - 1973

Schizoid -1980

Beyond the Door - 1974

Intermission!

Misbehaving in The Basement

I sat down on the couch, suppressing a delighted squeal of joy. With hands slightly shaking, my eyes took in over the top zaniness depicted on the large cardboard packaging. I know that the painted poster cover is lying to my face. They all do. It’s a game and we’ve played it hundreds of times. I love the game. Elements of exciting horror depicted on the outer shell will be completely absent from the product about to unspool over silvered tape heads and onto my television. I don’t care, the lie is part of joy.

The enormous cardboard box is just a larger canvas to convince me to rent or purchase what is likely a crappy Z grade movie. As the glossy, colorful paper packaging gives way to my ravenous touch, I spy the prize inside. Measuring just about seven and a half inches long, with a width of just a hair over four, it’s most interesting feature is that it’s bright red where many of it’s kind only come in black. I can barely contain my self as I slot the plastic purveyor of joy into the VCR and listen for the characteristic sound of the heads engaging as the front flap swings closed. It’s show time.

The most interesting thing about my introduction above is that it isn't from my childhood (it isn’t). No, it happened this morning. I swear. Over the weekend, I attended Monster Mania Con 19 in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. While perusing the vender tables, my vision was grabbed by the balls and diverted to the table for Alternative Cinema. They had the, as yet, unreleased The Basement. And when I say unreleased, I really mean it. Filmed in 1989 and put on a shelf for over 20 years, The Basement was restored and is about to be released on September 13th. It’s a Super 8 feature film from Tim O’Rawe of Ghoul School fame. With all of the wares on display, it would have been easy to pass this by, but I would have been a damned fool to do so. You see, this is a DVD and VHS release!

Inside the overlarge box is a tray. If you where to pick up and then pitch the DVD over your nerdy shoulder, you would behold a brand new, bright red, plastic wafer of the geek gods. I fired up my VIDEO HOME SYSTEM player, slotted the tape and was whisked back to the video rental days of my youth. I was a rainy day kid, on a mission to drink fully the dregs of the horror section.

There is something you must understand. There are levels of “bad” films; circular rings that descend downward to unimaginable horrors that many would feign to plumb. Your misunderstanding is that downward always equals worse; less worthy of viewership. It does not. As anyone who enjoys Boardinghouse or Troll 2 must understand, there are morsels of enjoyment to be had in most bad cinema, so long as heart is there, so long as desire is there.The Basement has that. It’s a Super 8 anthology collection, a poor man’s Tales from the Crypt or Creepshow, replete with a ghastly creature whose job it is to warn sinners that their monstrous actions to come will lead to their damnation. The tales are ghoulishly macabre and they revel in black humor, just as the 50’s EC comics, which they’re surely based on, did. At the end of 70 minutes, many questions where answered for me:

What happens to zombie film directors who say “Fuck you and Fuck George Romero”?
Bad things.
What happens to cheating wives who kill their husbands?
Bad things.
What happens to demon possessed murdereds?
Bad things.
Most interestingly: What happens to mean old bastards who refused to celebrate the spirit of Halloween?
Vacation to Disney? No! bad things, with delightful shades of Trick 'R' Treat.

You want the honest truth? I haven’t even taken the cellophane off of the DVD. I don’t know that I ever will. Then again, maybe I should. There's four more schlocky films to be spitted, cooked over flame and devoured.

I'll Take My Fish Pan-Seared, Please

The reason a bomb explodes with such outward force is due to rapidly expanding gases being confined to a much smaller than required space. In the blink of an eye, what was once an explosive substance the side of a deck of cards now requires the volume to contain outward rushing force the size of a dump truck. It’s this combination of confining space and raging force which creates a devastating blast.

These concepts can be applied in practice to other biological and chemical situations. Take the human being for instance. I’m not suggesting that we fill one fine specimen with C4 and measure the result (something I’m sure will make it into a Saw film at some point). Instead, take the example presented us in the Japanese physiological horror film, Cold Fish. This is the perfect proof of concept to demonstrate what happens when a person’s mind endures more than it can reasonably be expected to contain, much too quickly.

From Midnight Cheese

Have you heard of Cold Fish? It’s the new crazy Japanese thriller from Shion Sono who, among other things, directed the strange and indulgent Suicide Club. It’s billed as based on the real life events, the strange case of dog store owner slash husband and wife serial killers. In the film’s case, we’ve switched out dog store owners and substituted fish store owners. I’m jumping a head into this slow burning sizzler though.

As Cold Fish begins to unfold, we’re brought directly into the plodding and expectations-failing lives of the Syamoto family. Our protagonist, widower Nobuyuki, owns a middling tropical fish store which seems to exist somewhere between totally failing and teeth scrapping by. Taeko is his second (younger, bustier) wife, not adjusting well to her new life as a domestic, cooking dinner in their meager accommodations at the back of the store. Mitsuko is Nobuyuki’s daughter. She resents her stepmom, who is closer in age to her than her father, and completely resents the meager life which her parents are providing for her.

From Midnight Cheese

After setting the table, for our story as well as dinner, Mitsuko is caught robbing a store. Her parents are incredibly shamed when they arrive to pick her up. Seriously, I’ve never seen two people bowing and asking for forgiveness as many times as the Syamotos do. They are depicted as the honor driven, upstanding Japanese couple who would do anything to avoid shame and dishonor. They’re very tightly bound people, keeping everything under control, including how miserable that are. It’s very opposite to western sensibilities. They couldn’t be any more down on their luck and miserable.

Enter Murata, a very boisterous, friendly, talkative and ultimately pushy person. He always gets his way. Observing the shame of the Syamotos, Murata steps in to talk them out of trouble with store security. By a very strange coincidence, he also owns a tropical fish store. Ah but his store is very large, very successful, very extravagant…very western. He insists that Mitsuko should come work and live at his store, giving her purpose, getting her away from a stepmom she hates and a mediocre life at her parent’s store.

From Midnight Cheese

But Murata’s intentions aren’t altruistic; else this would probably be a completely different genre of film. The nature of he and his wife’s mental damage is for you, the viewer, to discover on your own. I will tell you that the gore is spread around in the film, doled out in meal sized assaults to your senses. It never lasts over long and it’s more absurd than disgusting. It does reach Evil Dead 2 levels of comedic gold, but it’s not meant to. It unsettles us, just as it unsettles Syamoto. Reverence for the dead is not a thing to be found here.

Even though this is 144 minutes, it never feels over long. Rather, Cold Fish feels like an arduous journey to the breaking point; to madness but not back. A resolution IS reached, but for whom? Cold Fish hits DVD shelves tomorrow thanks to Bloody Disgusting Selects.

From Midnight Cheese

(Noel's) Top 10 Horror Films of the Last Decade

In absolutely no particular order (because it was hard enough to narrow the twenty I had in mind to just ten), here’s my list. It’s different in parts and I use the word horror a little looser than some. Hope you enjoy and at the very least, look up a flick you may have never seen/heard of before. I guarantee you, all of these are winners in their own, special way.

Shaun of the Dead (2004) – Technically it’s a comedy, but so adept with its treatment of the horror genre that it earns a spot on this list. Hell, every/any list for “Best of…” compiled concerning 2001 to present. Best Musical- It’s on the list (DUB A DUBBA DUB A DA DA…AUUUGHHHHH). Best Animated- On the list (Have you seen Nick Frost)! Best Foreign Film - Done and done. Smart-ass comments aside, Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost pull off one the most balanced films to hit screens in decades. Endlessly watchable, undeniably clever and strikingly honest. This one belongs on every list and in every collection.

Slither (2006) – A slimy return to drive-in horror movies, plopped right in the middle of a decade more concerned with masked slashers, creepy children ghosts and Rube Goldberg instruments of torture. Humor, horror, alien creatures, flesh eating zombies and a well rounded cast of character actors makes this a (not so guilty) pleasure of the genre.

Dog Soldiers (2002) – A military training exercise goes horribly wrong in the wilderness of Scotland in this modern, practical effects take on werewolves. Director Neil Marshall (who later directed The Decent and Doomsday) makes one the most crowd pleasing and action packed low budget horror flicks of the 2000s. It's a shame so few have seen it for it's a shining example of creature effects still being...well, effective.

28 Days Later (2002) – Arguably, this generation’s zombie movie… or is it an outbreak movie… discuss amongst yourselves, because I don’t really care what you classify it under. Regardless of your silly titles, this movie is haunting, fast paced, creepy as hell and perfectly constructed to achieve maximum ass clenching in your seat.

The Host (2006) – The best monster movie in years just happens to come out of Korea. A mutated creature stumbles onto the crowded shores of Seoul and goes on a rampage. Before departing, it captures a young girl. What makes this flick so effective is the focus on a dysfunctional family attempting to rescuing their little princess. How things play out isn't your typical Hollywood fare and this gem is all the more better for it.

Drag Me to Hell (2009) – Sam Raimi's return to bat-shit crazy horror, this film could easily take place in the Evil Dead Universe (calm down, I'm not comparing, just setting the tone). In it, a meager loan specialist takes a hard line on a gypsy woman's claim. Before you know it, she's cursed to be dragged to hell (literally) for her cruelty. Raimi's wacky antics balanced with genuine creepiness and a disturbing ending cut this film above the recent rest.

Primer (2004) – Not exactly horror, but down right creepy and effective. This 77 minute, tiny budget mind bender about the intricacies of time travel is downright horrific. Two friends inadvertently discover a way to travel back in time. It isn't long before they start to one up each other using their newly learned trick. The damage to themselves and their psyches is the kind of locked door tension you can't fabricate easily in film.

Cloverfield (2008) – Enough with your “shakey-cam” bitching, this movie is beautifully shot. Director Matt Reeves and writer Drew Goddard set out to make a monster movie with scale as big as the sun, but told in the most intimate of ways. They literally placed themselves in a box and then invented new ways to think outside of it. The tension is high, the plot progression is exciting and the monster (what you get to see of it) is original and frightening. Haters want to hate, but this movie is nostalgic, original and effective all at the same time.

The Mist (2007) – God bless Frank Darabont and his ongoing battle to push the limits of mainstream horror. Based on a Stephen King novella, The Mist is about a fog that engulfs a northeastern town, bringing with it giant, tentacle-ridden, inter-dimensional creatures concerned only with destruction. That’s just the set up, the real horror resides in a grocery store in which our heroes are stuck. Darabont shows us the decline of civilization in the face of fear, depicted through the microcosm of this small town store. Whether the real horror is inside or outside is up to the viewer to decide, but even with stakes this bleak, it's hard to imagine how the story can close peacefully (hint: It doesn't. It really doesn't). If you’ve never seen this, I highly recommend seeking out the black and white version (how it was originally intended to be released), available on the 2 disc DVD and Bluray. It’s just creepier that way.

Hostel (2005) – Of all the torture flicks of the last decade, I possess a soft spot for Eli Roth's addition to the sub-genre. Not because of the violence or premise, per say, but because of Roth's handle on the material. In it, we're introduced to two disrespectful and decadent American dipshits as they back pack through Europe (with an equally idiotic German man in tow). For an hour, we're treated to their hedonistic ways, just waiting for them to receive their comeuppance in grisly fashion. The magic of Hostel is that when they’re finally in danger, Roth makes it so terrifying and surreal that all that happened before doesn't matter. He makes us worry, care and fear for these delinquents so effectively that the horrific things happening are truly scary. That alone elevates what could’ve been an easily disposable movie.

Chuck's Top 10 Horror Films of the Last Decade

Marvin the Macabre from The Montana Mancave Massacre put out a Bat Signal, requesting top 10 lists from the internet's horror-sphere. Below is my personal list, not that of the Entire Midnight Cheese crew. Some of them may also post theirs, I know Noel is working on his.

Before we get started, I just want to admit that this was not easy. I picked movies on two different factors: did they scare me and/or did I have fun watching them. I'm sure you'll disagree, but I've got the floor so just sip your latte and sit there captain mocha pants.

#10 - Freddy vs Jason - 2003
Directed by Ronny Yu

I don't want to hear it, ok? I waited my entire adolescence for this film to happen and you know what? It was fucking awesome. Sure the teenage characters where generic and forgettable, but you know they aren't at all why you went to see this movie. Robert Englund is at the top of his Freddy game. The only lamentable point is the lack of Kane Hodder as Jason.

#9 - Dawn of the Dead - 2004
Directed by Zach Snyder

Yeah the remake. Does it stand up to Romero's instrumental classic? Absolutely not, it's not even in the same league. However, when you judge it on it's own merits, it's a fun zombie ride. The cast is great, the action starts nearly right away and the credits sequence is satisfying, to say the least.

#8 - Rammbock: Berlin Undead - 2010
Directed by Marvin Kren

I wrote about it here. It's very Romero inspired and it does it right. While it has a short running time, ever minute is engaged to full effect. The best zombie film of 2010.

#7 - 28 Days Later - 2002
Directed by Danny Boyle

It would have been hard to have this list without this masterpiece, as so many of my favorites are zombie flicks and this is the movie that brought the sub genre back from the dead. That's funny to consider when you realize that there aren't any zombies in 28 Days Later! (the dead do not rise in the movie, do they smart ass?)

#6 - Land of the Dead - 2005
Directed by George Romero

His first entry in the Dead series since 'Day in '85 has a social message more meaningful today, six years later, than it did on release. Here we have the absolutely filthy wealthy, living in secluded luxury, while the rest of the surviving human population all live in slums. They're all surrounded by zombies, but the rich aren't any worse off for it and could care less even though the world outside has ended. And, oh yeah, it's a great zombie movie too.

#5 - [REC] - 2007
Directed by - Jaume Balaguero

[REC] is a first person perspective demon/zombie movie from Spain. Set inside a small, old apartment building that has been sealed off by the government, we see through the eyes of a TV reporter's camera man. It's awesome, it's creepy and it scared the crap out of me. It was remade a year later as Quarantine for American audiences, who where judged too stupid to see a subtitled movie. See the real movie.

#4 - Grindhouse - 2007
Directed by - Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez

So I'm cheating a bit, but I saw this as it was meant to be: as on long experience, replete with cheesy trailers and snipes and clocking in at over 3 hours long. I refused to purchase it on home video, even though I loved every minute of it, until it was available in it's original form, last year. This is fun, this is entertainment, more than anything, this "gets it".

#3 -Paranormal Activity - 2007, released 2009
Directed by - Oren Peli

The Internet is rife with stupid man-babies in an echo chamber who think they are movie critics and all believe that they hate this film, most sight-unseen. I'll admit that it's the least technically proficient film in this list, no question. However, it scared me like no other movie this decade. It's effective, it's frightening and it does exactly what a horror film is supposed to.

#2 - Trick 'r' Treat - 2007
Directed by Michael Dougherty

Shelved for two years, then released direct to DVD, this anthology film channels the delightful macabre of the Tales from the Crypt and Creepshow series'. It revels in dishing out comeuppance and is wicked fun. Its been added to my yearly Halloween watch list as it embodies the spirit of that day more than any other film I can think of. It's a travesty what Warner Brothers did to it's release and it's robbed it from it becoming a yearly sequel release, as the director intended.

#1 - Shaun of the Dead - 2004
Directed by Edgar Wright

Where do I start on the subject of this Rom-Com-Zom? (romantic comedy with zombies). For starters, it lovingly lifts from and homages to all things Romero. It's witty, it's charming, it's hysterically funny. And its full of bloody zombies. I've watched this movie dozens of times and love it every time. It clicks on all wavelength and is, in my opinion, the best horror flick this past decade.

So there you have it, you may disagree but I want to know your list. Reply in the comments so I can check it out.

Teenage Manners are Atrocious

Last night, I learned a good number of things about the creature society has come to call "teenagers". For instance, did you know that all teenagers feel the irresistible compulsion to film absolutely every single moment of their, usually boring, lives? I thought this was a tendency rampant only among Americans, but I came across evidence to contradict that. Yes, if the film Atrocious is to be believed, adolescents in Spain have nothing better to do than film their hum-drum daily goings on using what appear to be expensive digital video cameras too. Who gives expensive cameras to kids anyway?

Yes, friends, we've come across some found footage, left among the bodies of an entire murdered family. So, that's fun. The authorities find and review 37 hours of footage, taken by brother an sister duo Cristian and July over five days of vacation at an old family estate. That's right, 37 hours filmed in just five days. With all that filming, how are they going to find time to drink and smoke pot? I mean honestly, it's as if they don't want to be graphically killed by a machete wielding killer.

Luckily for us, the police were kind enough to cut all this footage into Atrocious, an 80 minute horror film. While it was awesome of them to do that for us, it would have been nice if they had left out some of the more boring teenage antics from the early film. The first half hour of the film drags because viewers, on the whole, don't want to watch teenagers pack the car and go on a road trip, argue with their siblings, talk back to their parents, complete chores and generally dick around. I've got YouTube at my finger tips if I wanted that.

The real meat of the film takes place in the adjacent hedge labyrinth. It is a very interesting local, which is good because the bulk of our footage is shot there. There is a local legend of a woman in a red dress who helps lost travelers in the maze after nightfall, but c'mon folks, this is very much the wrong genre for kindly spirits. This time spent in the overgrown labyrinth is fairly divisive, as the first person camera work includes lots of running and turning in circles to look at hedges and paths that all look the same. If found footage movies make you nauseas, this one's got to be the carnival ride puke-a-thon of them. If that doesn't bother you, though, it's a great tension builder as you, along with the characters, are completely lost in the hedge maze.

The climactic 10 minutes are frenetic and the conclusion is really satisfying. In this respect, the pay off makes Arocious' premise work and is genuinely scary. If you're a huge found footage fan, this is a better than average entry in the genre with a great ending and is worth checking out. Atrocious is receiving a domestic DVD release on October 25th, just in time for your Halloween viewing pleasure.

It'll bug you out!

We all know how terrifying ants are.  Those beady eyes!  Those stem-crushing claws!  That unimaginable strength!  The balls to invade your privacy and eat your sugar crumbs!  Allow yourself a few moments to shudder....

All your worst fears come true (on film) in Warner Bros.' "Them!", the best movie ever about giant killer ants and the brave men who slay them.  Blame this film for that irrational urge you get on 80-degree summer nights to take out your lighter and fry the buggers.  When your parents went to see this in theaters, radiation from the first atomic bomb seeped into their DNA from the film reel, mutated their brain cells, and now you carry that instinct in your neurons.  Sound farfetched?  Hah!  So did the VCR.

But it's up to us to not be ruled by our DNA!  View this film with the intent of getting to know these majestic, trillion-year-old creatures.  You can really see the fuzz on these insects a lot better when they're as big as two Pontiac Aztecs put together.  Use that image to nourish a fondness for the beasts.  Next time you see one of these little anties, pet it.  But gently; don't kill it.  If you do, its family will know, and come after you.  You want to be in good with these beings, in case they do start to grow and infest the globe on a much larger scale.

You see, these six-legged creatures are like the mafia.  They'll hide underground, plotting their next move.  You can shoot them, burn them, fumigate them; there will be vengeance taken on you by their next of kin.  It's been scientifically proven.

Entomologists everywhere regard "Them!" as the "Citizen Kane" of bug blockbusters.  You will too.  But don't take my word for it...

Freaky Deaky

In your demented mind, how do you define
a "freak"?

Is your soul, so bold
to accept the few rest
and join them on this quest
to survive,
perhaps even to thrive?

You want to stare;
you have to.

Her body is bare,
he wants to share.
Will you?

Take her hand she's missing.
It's still possible to be kissing.
You may think you know
and she may seem below
but he won't go;
he can't.

You'll never experience a tale
of lust and dust,
of minds in jail,
of bubbles waiting to bust
on such a horrible scale.

Embrace the horror,
the sorrow.
It'll exist tomorrow.

They can accomplish more than you can imagine.
You may become the monster.
Scary to fathom
you may even want her.

There are no smaller worlds
and no bigger words
than those of a human,
than those of a freak.

Second Verse, Weirder Than The First! - HOUSE II: The Second Story

House II: The Second Story is a sequel by name only. Capitalizing on the moderate success of the original less than a year prior, it carries none of the same characters, circumstances, plot and tone or even freaking house. I always considered this movie a poor man’s Evil Dead II (without the brilliance, ingenuity or continuity of characters) in the fact that it’s a sequel that exists on its own and breaks wildly from the tone or intentions of its predecessor.

House II begins on a Halloween in 1961. A sweet and concerned couple hands their crying baby over to safer hands. As their baby drives off with other people (family members, strangers, hobos…I have no idea who they are and it’s irrelevant), the couple arm themselves and investigate ominous spur-like sounds coming from upstairs. What… could it be an undead cowboy, lurking in the shadows, seeking a mystical skull that can grant eternal life and youth? Hmm…. Perhaps, but telling would be spoiling.

Twenty-five years later, Jesse (Ayre Gross), a successful architect (I feel as though in the 80s, that was the cool profession to have next to rockstar or hip doctor that wears Chucks with their scrubs) drives up to his newly inherited home with girlfriend in tow. How he inherited it, where it's located or why he's never been there before now are details in which this movie is not interested. It doesn't take long before Jesse to start meddling through his great-great grandfather's mysterious possessions. You see, great-great gramps (Jesse also) was somewhat of a cowboy Indiana Jones. His prized find, a mystical crystal skull (coughcoughGeorgeLucascough). Jesse Prime had a run in with his partner, Slim Razor (I shit you not, that's the baddie's name) over the skull. Jesse killed Slim and hid the skull for safe keeping.

With the arrival of Jesse Jr. Jr.'s best bud, Charley (Jonathan Stark), they decide to dig up Jesse Prime's grave, which is conveniently on the property, in hopes the the skull is with his remains. Lucky for them, Jesse Prime (from now on known as Gramps and played by Royal Dano) isn't dead, but a 170 year old coot who's ready to tell stories and booze it up.

The rest of the movie is a madcap adventure for laughs involving prehistoric bird, caterpillar pug dogs, lots of beer, human sacrifices, pagan tribes, more old west zombies and John Ratzenberger swashbuckling. What's not to cheer about?

Writer and director Ethan Wiley leaves no genre unturned (save for Kung Fu) in his directorial debut. Having written the original House, he must've been in a jovial mood when approaching it's sequel. No slouch when it comes to his pedigree, though, acting as creative and pupeteering on 80s classics like Return of the Jedi and Gremlins. His attention to effects and composition in the more technical aspects of the movie are impressive and hold up for a twenty-five year old flick.

In summation, what's not to love about the kitchen sink mentality behind House II. Everything is in there, including Bill Maher as a sleazy music executive with

feathered hair (I love the 80s). House II is the epitome of movies that used to run at 2:00am on the USA Network in-between sorority girls and Toxic Avengers. A gem of schlock buried deep in a sea of forgotten experiments. Before direct to video was an option for these odd flicks, House II stands as a bug-nuts middle finger to rational thought and predictable plot progression.

I highly recommend this one on a sick day, stuck at home or a night after the bar as you look for something to watch that'll ease your buzz to rest. If you'll excuse me, I think I just might go watch it again.

Sweet dreams, Cheese-faces!

P.S... How's this for a slice of awesome?

You're welcome.

The (Vincent) Price of Admission

Vincent Price spent many decades in the business of terrifying audiences in low budget horror on the silver screen. With his unmistakable one of a kind voice and that devilishly wicked smirk, which could mean you were seconds from death or just that he found something gruesomely funny, he was a staple of my childhood horror diet.

My top three Vincent Price horror flicks in order? Easy

-The House on Haunted Hill

-The Last Man on Earth

-The Tingler

Oh sure, one of the Dr.Phibes films would be a more popular choice. And there’s room for Phibes love in my heart still, along with all the roles that Price has played. He was a rare actor who could captivate the audience and win them to his side despite the foul deeds he may committing frame by frame in the dark of the matinee.

Have grown up in the 80’s, I’ve seen a good number of Vincent Price schlock films. They were the purview of my Saturday afternoons and my USA Up All Nights. However, I won’t sit here and tell you I’ve seen even half of his films, there’s just so many. This is an excellent gift though as a fantastic number of them are available to stream from Netflix (I call out anyone who says there is nothing good to watch on Netflix instant streaming, you’re either a liar or a fool and Vincent Price does not suffer fools!).

It was thus that I stumbled upon a new Price gem to check out last night: Theater of Blood. From the description, I was expecting a little bit of Dr.Phibes meets equal parts Frederick Loren from House on Haunted Hill with a dash of Professor Jarrod from House of Wax. Oh man was I wrong and it couldn’t have been better.

Theater of Blood focuses on Edward Lionheart (Price), a renowned London Shakespearean actor, who has been unceremonious snubbed for an award by a circle of critics. A year after he supposedly takes his life, members of the critics’ circle begin to die gruesomely and in line with famous deaths from within Shakespeare’s works, spectacularly staged. If this sounds like a lot of Price’s other work, it should come as no surprise. He crafted a career in the Macabre. This is not at all what you would expect though.

There is a sense of black humor infused in Theater of Blood. Many of the murders are played for laughs and Price really gets a chance to stretch his acting chops and get outside of his normal tropes as he moves seamlessly from world renowned Shakespearean actor to sleazy masseuse, shock television show host and even an effeminate hair dresser equipped with an enormous red perm. His character does this all in the name of enacting very elaborate plans for vengeance but even so it’s too much for one man to hope to do alone.

Enter Lionheart’s loyal band of drunk homeless misfits (Every believed dead, vengeance seeking, wounded pride, Shakespearean actor needs one). In what has to be one of the oddest quirks in an already quirky story, there is a group of a dozen or so drunks who follow Lionheart’s orders and don costumes to assist in murdering these critics. They even participate in some of them. He does keep them heavily supplied with booze but it’s still quite strange that they would be complicit in these killings.

If you’re looking for more Phibes or some of Price’s earlier gothic experiences, Theater of Blood will confuse you. But look, if you can relax a bit, withstand the onslaught of outrageous puns, enjoy watching snooty critics get their comeuppance or just really like combat scenes which include fencing whist on trampolines, then you will really enjoy the madcap and irreverent Theater of Blood.

Yellowbrickroad, a Rare Specimen

People watch horror films for a myriad of reasons. For most folks', the desire to be scared and discover the depths of their fear is that goal. I remember that feeling from when I was little, but as I grew up and into more of a genre fan, the fear faded to a background element, something rarely taken out of the closet and tried on. It's actually kind of humorous that most horror films today are actually just exploitation films with a budget. Here, though, comes something fresh made on a meager budget of half a million dollars that manages to bring suspense and fear in spades.

Yellowbrickroad is the curious story surrounding the small New Hampshire town of Friar. The opening sequence tells the tragic tale of this town, which in 1940 saw all of it's residents follow a hiking trail into the wilderness, through a series of period photographs. It's very evocative of Ken Burns' documentary style. More importantly, it brings the creepy right from the outset; it's unsettling.We're told about an army recon team that was sent in to find the townsfolk, discovering that many had frozen to death but still more of them were murdered brutally. This information and the location of the hiking trail are classified for decades, causing the stories to become myth to become legend. It's declassified in present day, in time for our group of stalwart protagonists to attempt to write book on the subject and dare to venture the same route into the wilderness. I have to admit that beyond the initial setup sequence, the first twenty minutes of the film were a bit slow, as we're introduced to each member of the group.

Let's be fair though, you aren't watching this film to become tenderly attached to a cast of characters. Solely based on the type of movie this is, you have to know, somewhere in the deepest recesses of the lizard part of your brain, that bad things are very likely to happen. Before long, the musical siren call begins it's slow assault on the party's sanity. And my sanity as well. I found myself being bothered by it almost a day later when I tried to go to sleep and that's just downright creepy.

That's the trick here, Yellowbrickroad gets under your skin achingly slowly. The build up is the meat of the film. In this way, it recalls The Shining, very specifically. It isn't as technically sound as Kubrick's take on King's story, but the effect is the same. The tension is there underlying every scene in the film from the halfway point through to the end. Unrelenting, the film doesn't show it all off like the gaudy horror of today, but rather forces the viewer to fill in the blanks. I don't know about you, but being weaned on the tit of 80's horror, my mind fills the blank in pretty graphically. If you're looking for an old school horror fix set to the tempo of today, check out Yellowbrickroad. It releases today on DVD via Bloody Disgusting's Selects label.

How I Spent My Sunday Going Ape

Can you guess the two best things about living in and around Philadelphia (aside from Cheesesteaks, Rocky, Water Ice, M.Night Shyamalan, a Rich Baseball tradition, Ben Franklin and a little thing like founding our country) ?

Firstly, Philadelphia and it's surrounding areas are a modern day cradle of craft beer, with artisan brewers such as Victory, Sly Fox, Yards, Nodding Head, Triumph, Dogfish Head and more within striking distance and all available in most local watering holes worth dropping your dime in.

The second gets to the heart of my Sunday. Philadelphia has it going on if your goings on happen to include horror and cult film screenings. Exhumed Films has been putting on awesome horror screenings at local theaters for the past fourteen years. Their shows have run the gamut from cannibals, to zombies, to slashers and ghouls. They've shown over 250 different films to date. Additionally, the Colonial Theatre, a 100+ year old gem famous for it's role in the 1958 Steve McQueen monster flick The Blob, has a monthly late night horror series dubbed First Friday Fright Night and has recent begun an additional series dedicated to cult, sci-fi and kung-Fu called Colonial Cult Cinema. As you can see, horror nerds are really never wanting for screenings to attend in and around the town.

It was a special program from the dudes at Exhumed Films that brought me to the International House on UPenn's campus this last day of July, to see all five original Planet of the Apes films in one go. Exhumed Films wanted us to Go Ape! Now, I remember being a kid and catching these five films on television all the time in the 80's, but I was too young to have attended any of the Fox Go Ape! shows in a theater. This was clearly a very personal show for Dan Fraga of Exhumed, who spoke very passionately about his Ape experiences as a child, so it was cool to see that he brought his young son, to pass on the Ape Law.

The films themselves I hadn't seen in quite a long time, with the exception of the first, Planet of the Apes, since the Colonial Theatre also ran a showing this month for First Friday Fright Night. Why all the showings? Well, a Fox imposed moratorium goes into effect today and lasts well into the foreseeable future with the impending theatrical (and then home video) release of Rise of the Planet of the Apes. So let's discuss the films themselves.

Planet of the Apes was a seminal film on release and became the beginning of an enormous marketing behemoth. It has been selected for preservation by the library of congress as historically or culturally significant. more than that, it's an excellent film, bringing to life a topsy-turvy world where ape is the dominant species and man is a dumb animal who can't talk. Charlton Heston stars as astronaut commander Taylor. He leads a crew of four on a long range deep space mission, which is accidentally thrown two thousand years into the future and crash lands on an alien planet, all while the crew is in cryogenic slumber. After the rest of the crew perishes in the ensuing adventures, Taylor is captured and brought to the ape city. It isn't long before it's discovered he can speak and a ideological struggle emerges between the intelligent chimpanzees who want to expand knowledge and the stubborn leader orangoutangs who won't allow any discovery which disagrees with the teachings passed down by the law giver, centuries before. The iconic ending, impactful, even forty years later, still gives me goosebumps and segues directly into the next film.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes begins right where it's predecessor leaves off, where Nova loses Taylor in an illusionary wall and we are introduced to a new astronaut, Brent, who is the last of a crashed rescue party sent to find the first crew but sadly caught in the same time distortion. Interestingly, the reason for adding a new lead character is because Heston did not was to do another Apes film but the studio wouldn't green light another without him. So he agreed to a small part at the beginning and end of the film only. Beneath deals with a war between the aggressive gorilla faction of the Ape society and the hidden remnant of intelligent humans who have taken refuge among the underground ruins of New York City. Ah but these humans are hideous mutants who possess mind control powers and worship a prewar doomsday bomb. As the film ends, Taylor detonates it, destroying the whole Earth. Brent's death seemed like a side note, which didn't seem fair since we spend the majority of the film with him, only to have him brushed aside and unceremoniously killed to make way for more Heston.

Escape from the Planet of the Apes takes up the story from there. But how can that be? I said the Earth was destroyed. Ah, it was, in the year 3955. Doctors Zira and Cornelius recovered Taylor's spaceship along with the help of another scientist ape and where able to escape just as Earth's life was ended. They were thrown backward through the same time vortex that brought the humans forward in time and arrive in our 1971. For most of this film, it's very much the Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home of the series, with very light hearted humor abound as the apes become the popular talk of the world. Well enough just can't be left alone(and this IS an Apes film) however, and a scummy government agent does everything he can to have the friendly chimpanzees and Zira's pregnancy eliminated. Some friendly help from circus owner Ricardo Montelban Armando allows their baby to secret survive the dreadfully out of place tragedy ending, thus setting up our next flick.

Ah Conquest of the Planet of the Apes! Where humans really show just how despicable we are as a species. It's now the distant utopian future of far off 1991, twenty years after the death of his parents, young Caesar, played by Roddy MacDowell who played his father Cornelius in all the other films save Beneath, is still being sheltered by Armando while all other apes have been made into abused slaves by human kind. After Armando sacrifices himself to cover up a public outburst by Caesar, the only ape who can speak sets about organizing his fellows toward bloody revolt. This climactic struggle continues in our last legitimate apes outing. It is interesting to see the roots of humans and apes coexisting with the relationship between Caesar and MacDonald, which continues in the next film.

Finally we finish this tale with Battle for the Planet of the Apes. Taking place decades after the revolt of the last film, the world has ended in a nuclear apocalypse. Caesar is still the leader of the apes, in their own city, but the leader of the war mongering gorillas is planning a coup. Meanwhile, irradiated humans find out about the ape city and launch an attack. There is quite a bit of post-apocalyptic killing, but in the end, Caesar uses his knowledge of the future not to make apes dominant, but to allow man and ape to coexist. We're left with a scene 600 years in the future, where they still do so.

I can't forget that in-between Escape and Conquest, we got a chance to watch two episodes of the Hannah-Barbara produced cash-in cartoon. To say it was hilariously bad is to not do justice to other legitimately laugh out loud bad toons from the 70's. It was absurd, badly animated and made no sense...which is why I'll be seeking it out on DVD this week.

In addition to the films, a noted Apes memorabilia collector put on an impressive, and I'd have to speculate expensive, display of Apes mania, props and costumes. If that was not enough, one of the door prizes was one of the highly coveted Mondo Planet of the Apes posters from the Alamo Draft House. This was a long, primate filled day, but I really do have to reiterate that all of these films still hold up and indeed each one of them was still really fun to watch, albeit each for different reasons. And so, I can say with complete certainty, that I have "Gone Ape!"

Special thanks to Midnight Cheese contributor Nick Lombardo for sharing these the photos for today's article. Nick's photographed the title screen for nearly every single Exhumed Films show since 1998.