Bento Box of Schlock, order no. 1

"Welcome to the Midnight Cheese cafe` madam, what will you be having this evening? Ah the bento box, a wise decision. There's a little bit of VHS cover nostalgia for the 80's child in you, some instant gratification to get you going, a nosh-able delight to consume while getting your gratification on and a bit of knowledge dropped on you. Would you prefer that with a look back at your past horror indiscretions or the past indiscretions of others? Both? Excellent, I'll have the chef whip up your very own BENTO BOX OF SCHLOCK!"

Ah dear readers, I realize that sometimes you are in a hurry and just don't have time to read through our finely crafted ministrations. Submitted your your approval, I offer you the Midnight Cheese's newest dish: The Bento Box of Schlock. A little bit of a lot of things, which you can comsume quickly. Let me get out of your way. Tuck in and enjoy.

"Here he comes: Machine Gun Joe! Loved by thousands, hated by millions! " -Junior, Deathrace 2000

Chow
Nighttime Nachos
-Plate full of tortilla chips, spread out evenly
-Top with sliced jalapenos, kalamada olives, chili powder and splashed of tobassco sauce
-Cover all of that with shredded chedder and mozzerella cheese and nuke it until the cheese it melted
-Chow down while watching a cheesy movie
-Don't bother weighing yourself in the morning

Instant Gratification
Oh, you needed a flick to watch while enjoying those Nighttime Nachos? Well how about this then, Circle of Iron staring David Carradine?

It's the kick ass kung fu story of Cord the Seeker, who's set off on a quest to recover the book of all knowledge from the Wizard Zetan (most people call it stealing, but he's our hero, so what can you do?). Did I mention it stars david Carradine as "The Blind Man". And as "Monkeyman". Oh he's also "Death". And "Changsha" too. There's these other two guys in the film too, but you've probably never heard of them: Roddy McDowell and Christopher Lee. I know, not worth mentioning.

Circle of Iron available until the end of this week on netflix's instant streaming.

VHS Nostalgia
Check out this cover:

Did you know that this is the front cover box art for a film called The Final Sacrifice which features a husky, mulleted Canadian and a wimpy, rail thin Canadian who own no firearms? It's true. The box art was used to entice folks to pick up what they thought was a rollicking actioner. What they got instead was MST3K fodder (episode 910).

Cinema Obscuro~!
Speaking of The Final Sacrifice, we've got Christian Malcolm, who played pipsqueak Troy in said film (although his credit was incorrectly switched with the other lead, Bruce Mitchell, who played Zap Rowsdower, and there wasn't enough money in the budget to fix it). So what did Mr. Malcolm get up to after shooting this cinematic masterstroke? It seems he spent 6 months in 1999 as part of National British Tour of "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)". He had roles in Intimacy, Band of Brothers and Night Flight in the early part of the century and really hit his stride recently in the award winning short film Sex with the Finklesteins and a the role of "The Head of Ops" in the film Hanna. Not too shabby, Troy, not too shabby at all.

Cheese o'the Day
On this day in the year of our lord (Roger Corman) nineteen hundred and ninty-six, The Frighteners made it's theatrical debut. On the exact same day, the Tales from the Crypt television show premiered it's final episode.

"Well, that about wraps it up here at Rock & Roll High. Remember, if your principal ever gives *you* trouble, if you want *this* (Vince Lombardi High School is burning down) to happen at your school, you just give ol' Screamin' Steve a call. I'm in the book - under SCARRRREAMIN'!" -Screamin' Steve Stevens, Rock 'n' Roll High School

The Trailer Dump, Issue no. 6

We're going to try a slightly different format for you on the trailer dump. There will be fewer trailers but I'm going to share some interesting tidbits on each one. Let me know what you think of the format. Without further ado and with no more guilding the lilly.

Scalps - 1983

• Written AND Directed by Fred Olen Ray, who also directed the absurd Evil Toons, so you know this will be awesome (and likely full of nudity).
• Was released as a double feature on VHS with The Slayer and also on DVD in the early 2000's but it is currently out of print.
• This was shot on a ranch that is now owned by Alice Cooper. Perhaps he's a massive Scalps fan?
• The director claims that the reason this film makes no sense is because the distributor took his finished product and reedited it, disrupting the continuity and adding overlaid shots of a Native American chanting. Yeah right Fred, the distributor did it.

Savage Streets - 1984

• This is a who's who of 80's cult films: John Vernon, Linnea Quigley and Linda Blair!
• That killer 80's jam, which is queued by Linda Blair's cleavage, is called "Justice for One". I believe all cleavage should come equipped with an awesome 80's soundtrack. Sadly the soundtrack for this film and that awesome song, where never released.
• The special edition DVD, released in 2008, is out of print and currently selling for $100 on Amazon. Arrow releasing just put out a UK only release with a boat load of special features.
• The tagline on the poster reads: "They killer her sister and raper her best friend. An eye for an eye." What? Does that mean Linda Blair is supposed to go on a vigilante rape spree?

The Forrest - 1983

• Man oh man. Prism home video. Anyone else remember Prism? Anyway, this trailer has my absolutely my absolute favorite thing: a manly, brooding narrator advising on what to bring and what to watch out for. Love it.
• The poster has two tag lines. "If you go into the woods today...you might not get out alive" and "Daddy's gone hunting". I suggest you wait until tomorrow to go into the woods.
• This was directed by Donald Jones, who went on to direct Project Nightmare in '87 and not much else.
• This DID get a recent (2009) DVD release as a double feature with Don't go in the Woods.

Happy hunting.
Don't forget your backpack, sleeping bag and knife.

Blobfest 2011 Recap

My apologies, noble readers, I have been so wrapped up in the awesomeness of this year's Blobfest, that I've neglected my writing. I spent the near entirety of this past weekend in slowly revitalizing hamlet of Phoenixville, Pennsylvania. For me the trip is just a ten minute drive, but Blob fanatics come from all across the county to immerse themselves in everything gooey, alien monster related. I spoke with a couple from California who make the trip east every year as part of their vacation. Indeed the push pin map set up outside the theatre noted fest goers from thirty different states.

So what brings these folks to this famous town? Well, for starters, there's the kitschy 1958 Steve McQueen film, The Blob, which was shot at locations around Phoenixville, Downingtown and Royersford, including The Colonial Theatre, setting for famous scene of panicked movie goers fleeing from our gelatinous movie monster. Among the various activities at Blobfest, there is a reenactment of this famous scene, where lucky participants get to harness their inner 50's creature feature extra. Check it out:

Really though, the Run Out is just the tip of the iceberg. It's proceeded by a variety show, a scream competition, a short form horror film competition and it is the traditional kick off to Blobfest. Hosted by an honest to goodness horror host imported from the west coast, Mr.Lobo, Blobfest brings together a motley crew of horror entertainers and luminaries with a wink and a nudge to the darkside within all of us. And we're cordially invited to let our inhibitions ooze around the neighborhood like that all consuming blob of murderous alien slime.

Right after the Run Out finishes, the annual Blob Ball begins. It's a 50's themed dance party with a live band. This year Atomic Age rocked the downstairs of PJ Ryan's, a local pub, till all hours. Greasers mixed with Betties mixed with swingers while Elvis and Buddy Holly shared the mic.

Ah but the heart of Blobfest has always been the Street fair on Saturday. The picturesque revitalized small town main street is closed off, to allow gussied up classic cars and one of the actual fire trucks used in The Blob to be exhibited. Vendors up and down the street hawk wares that normally wouldn't garner much attention, but to attendees are better than a night with a young Jamie Lee(maybe). Rare, out of print VHS and DVD horror films, iconic geek chic t-shirts, monster movie magazines from yesteryear and collectables of all sorts. Personally, I cleaned up, picking up both a DVD copy of the very out of print Silent Night, Deadly Night and a very old MST3K VHS release. The rock ability band provides your afternoon soundtrack and there are themed events galore.

The morning kicks off with a fire extinguisher parade, Phoenixville's way to warn off any young, brash, up and coming Blob monsters. The fantastically macabre Ghoul-a-Go-Go bring their brand of 50's children show dance party to the delight of everyone with some modicum of taste. They're based out of New York City and are an extremely popular public access show. It brings back my memories of childhood television and while that's awesome, it's also saddening that there isn't anything like that around in most markets now. I get my dose of it each year in Phoenixville.

Double features run throughout the day inside the Healthfully Air-conditioned Colonial Theatre. During the day, The Blob was billed with the fantastic Invaders from Mars, which got the 'Cheese treatment HERE. The late night spooky show is a double bill of The Blob and It Conquered the World, a fantastic Roger Corman classic staring Lee Van Cleef and Peter Graves. And if you need a break from the movies, the 3rd floor of the theatre is open for you to meet Wes Shank, the keeper of the actual blob, still in it's five gallon pail. You could even take a gander into the actual projection booth, where the monster we all know and love consumed an oblivious projectionist.

Even the stores and restaurants up and down Bridge Street get in on the act, offering Blob themed specials or treats. Particularly awesome were the offerings from Iron Hill Brewery, two delicious Blob beers, and from the Artisan Gallery & Cafe who had this amazing custom pastry. Even the sign is edible white chocolate.

We love The Blob(as we discussed HERE). If you do too, or if you love reveling in the nostalgia of things now lost to us, start making your plans to attending next year's Blobfest. You seriously don't want to be left out again.

The Case for Rock 'n Roll Nightmare

Jon Mikl Thor pioneered Muscle-Rock in 70's Canada. As a body builder and metal musician, it was clearly the career of choice and with a name like Thor, band names are super easy to come by. Check this out: Thor and the Imps, Thor, Tritonz, Thor and the Ass-boys. Yeah, those are all band names. I know what you're thinking: "Tritonz? What the blue blazes?". I can't really explain it either.

I've had what some would call an unhealthy obsession with Mr.Thor ever since MST3K lampooned one of his flicks, Zombie Nightmare, in season 6 of the show (Thanks a lot, Mike Nelson!). I'm not sure when I learned that JMT stared substantially in another horror film, Rock 'n Roll Nightmare, but my life would never be the same again.

Haven't seen the movie? It follows the adventures of Thor and his band, The Tritonz, as they stay at a secluded farm house in order to record tracks for their new record. The trouble is that the farm house has a tragic history, the former family having been mysteriously killed (by demons). The killings, wacky as they are, begin anew with the band members and their groupies as delightful fodder. The film's conclusion, which I absolutely will not spoil, is phenomenal in a way only 80's films can be.

Rock 'n Roll Nightmare is not a award winning film, it's not overly technically proficient or mainstream popular. Most people would say it isn't a good film. Perhaps it isn't. It is, however, a shit-load of fun to watch. In a world where the internets are serious business and everyone is down on "bad" films because it's the cool thing to do, be a trendsetter by introducing Rock 'n Roll Nightmare to your friends. I also highly recommend the soundtrack, including such Tritonz ballads like "We Live to Rock" and "We Accept the Challenge".

Check out "We Live to Rock" from the film and the spread the good word of Jon Mikl Thor!